Our Wave Home
Menu

Answering your questions.

Here are some answers to questions we have received in the past from our survivor community. We hope these answers can help survivors, advocates, and the general public learn more about trauma and survivor healing.

Submit a Question

Filter Questions

Understanding Trauma & Violence
Managing Trauma Impact
Meaning Making
Sharing Your Story
Supporting Survivors
Seeking Help After Trauma
Healing Week
Understanding Trauma & Violence

I'm seeking advice about a childhood experience that's been on my mind lately. When I was around 8 years old, I had an encounter with a classmate of the same age that involved exposure of private body parts. It was presented as a 'game,' but I felt uncomfortable and initially refused. I eventually gave in to peer pressure and participated briefly. We didn't touch each other, but the memory has stayed with me. I've always tried to brush it off, but recently I've been wondering how to categorize this experience. I'm unsure if it falls under the umbrella of child-on-child harmful sexual behavior or if it was a case of inappropriate childhood curiosity. The incident made me uncomfortable then and still does now, but I'm uncertain about labeling it as 'abuse' since that seems like a very serious term. This experience may have influenced my early interest in mature online content, though I'm not sure if there's a direct connection. I'd appreciate an outside perspective on how to understand and process this childhood event. How can I differentiate between harmful behavior and normal childhood exploration? And how might I address any lingering effects from this experience?

Read Answer
Understanding Trauma & Violence

I experienced a sexual situation with my cousin when I was 8 and she was around 12. At the time, I didn't feel affected by it, but now that I'm older, it's impacting me. I'm unsure how to process this, considering our ages at the time and her possible awareness of her actions. How can I understand and cope with these complex feelings?

Read Answer
Meaning Making

When I was about eight, these two boys held me down on the playground. I think it was only one of them kissing me. Everyone kind of gathered around in a circle and laughed and egged him on. Does this count as assault? It makes me feel ill to think of years later.

Read Answer
Understanding Trauma & Violence

One of my earliest memories involves a traumatic incident with an older relative when I was very young. I'm unsure about some details, but I recognize it now as child-on-child sexual abuse (COCSA) due to the age difference and my lack of understanding at the time. However, I'm confused because I don't feel as affected by this experience as I think I should be. While I understand the act was wrong, I don't have strong emotions about it. Is it normal to feel relatively neutral about a traumatic childhood experience like this? I feel like I should have more intense feelings about the incident, but I don't.

Read Answer
Understanding Trauma & Violence

I'm struggling to categorize a childhood experience. At 4 years old in preschool, I would take a quiet boy to the girls' bathroom. I'd use the toilet while he stood there, though I covered myself. After seeing two children kiss, I attempted to kiss him, but it didn't happen - either I stopped or someone intervened. I'm unsure if this was innocent child behavior or COCSA.

Read Answer
Understanding Trauma & Violence

When I was 12/13, at a sleepover with my twin sister at our 16-year-old neighbor's house, a situation occurred involving the neighbor, her 17-year-old brother, and his friend. They suggested a sexual 'game' I didn't understand. The neighbor girl explained oral sex and made us practice with a pencil. My memory is unclear after that. I'm unsure if this was experimentation or abuse/COCSA, and I struggle with how to label this experience.

Read Answer
Understanding Trauma & Violence

I'm trying to understand an experience from my childhood. When I was about 12, a local girl who was a year or two younger initiated 'playing doctor' with me, despite my lack of interest. She touched my genitals, which I didn't mind, but then insisted I touch hers. When I refused, she threatened to claim I'd abused her if I didn't comply. Feeling pressured, I reluctantly participated. This happened in her bedroom, which she shared with her younger brother. She would lock him out, using furniture to block the door. Her brother would knock and ask to be let in, but she'd refuse. Their parents seemed mostly unconcerned, only occasionally telling her not to lock her brother out. Was this sexual abuse, or just childhood innocence gone too far? I'm confused about how to interpret this experience and its impact on me. My friend suggests my compliance was a 'fawning' response. How should I understand what happened? Was this sexual abuse or childhood innocence?

Read Answer
Understanding Trauma & Violence

If we were female cousins under the age of 10 (but she was almost two years older than me), and I didn't consent to sexual activity but also didn't actively refuse, was this COCSA (Child-on-Child Sexual Abuse)? She had seen it in porn videos and told me we were playing games, but she still touched me and used her mouth on my vagina. She also touched my other two girl cousins my age, and she used manipulation and emotional and verbal abuse. And is it okay that now I sexualize myself as a result of her actions?

Read Answer
Understanding Trauma & Violence

I want to discuss the broad use of the term COCSA (Child-on-Child Sexual Abuse). From what I've learned, both children are considered victims in these situations. However, I've noticed COCSA being used in cases where young people are aware of their actions, which seems confusing. Why isn't a new term created for these cases, like "Juvenile Sexual Assault" (JSA)? I'm confused about why COCSA is used when it's meant for situations with two victims of circumstance. Doesn't using COCSA for cases involving more awareness or intent blur the lines between different scenarios? How can we better differentiate between these situations in our terminology?

Read Answer
Understanding Trauma & Violence
Meaning Making

I'm unsure if I perpetrated COCSA in my childhood (around age 9-10) or if it was just my natural curiosity. It involved examining a younger relative's genitals (4 years younger) during play, motivated by curiosity about my own body after an injury. There was no force used or explicit sexual activity, but I'm confused about whether the age difference makes this concerning. I didn't fully understand the implications at the time. I plan to discuss this with a professional, but I'm looking for initial guidance on how to categorize and understand this childhood experience.

Read Answer
Understanding Trauma & Violence

I've been studying about child-on-child sexual abuse (COCSA) and I'm struggling with some aspects. COCSA often involves two victims, but sometimes one child uses force or coercion. Can a child who's been victimized or is replicating trauma act violently in this way? Also, is there a term that doesn't imply both children are equally victims? I feel we need a different term for cases with clear aggressors. Are there existing terms for this, or how might we create one?

Read Answer
Understanding Trauma & Violence

My sister is three years older than me and would constantly touch me inappropriately, tell me she wanted to have sex with me, and engage in other sexual behaviors that I'm not comfortable sharing. She treated me exactly like she treats her boyfriend now, but I never consented and repeatedly rejected her advances. I understand that in COCSA (child-on-child sexual abuse) situations, both children are often considered victims, but I don't want to share that label with her. Why does she seem to be let off by the system? It doesn't feel fair. I believe she would have behaved this way regardless of our age difference or power imbalance. We both had our own traumas, and I'm certain this was how she coped, but she didn't have to do that to me. Is she still just a victim? Can't she be both a victim and an aggressor? The thought of her being considered a good person disgusts me.

Read Answer
Understanding Trauma & Violence

I understand that in COCSA (child-on-child sexual abuse) situations, both children are often considered victims. However, I heard about a case involving an autistic girl whose two perpetrators continued the behavior over a long period. Since COCSA often ends after a short time, does the extended duration suggest that these children might be more aware aggressors rather than victims themselves?

Read Answer
Understanding Trauma & Violence

I've been studying violence and recently learned about COCSA (child-on-child sexual abuse). While I understand that in many cases both children involved are considered victims, I'm wondering how to differentiate situations where one child is knowingly abusive from those where both children need help. How can we tell when rehabilitation or intervention is needed for one child versus support for both? What are the key differences to look out for?

Read Answer
Supporting Survivors

I'm interested in understanding the difference between child-on-child sexual abuse (COCSA) and sexual assaults committed by young people who are deliberately seeking power over their victims. How can we distinguish between these situations, given that in COCSA both children are often considered victims?

Read Answer
Understanding Trauma & Violence

When I was very young (around 5-7 years old), my babysitter, who was also a minor but about 7 years older than me, and I engaged in inappropriate touching. I asked her to massage my vagina, and we took turns doing this to each other, with underwear on. I initiated the activity, but I'm unsure how to categorize this experience given our ages. Is this considered abuse or something else, even though I asked for it and we were both minors?

Read Answer
Understanding Trauma & Violence

When I was 6, a boy my age pressured me into oral by saying things like "it's what you'd do if you loved me" and "I'll be your friend if you do." I said no at first, but I was lonely and wanted a friend. Over time I started participating without him needing to pressure me. I'm confused about how to categorize this experience. It makes me feel ill thinking about it. Could you help me understand what this might be classified as? Is this COCSA or something else?

Read Answer
Understanding Trauma & Violence

A boy my age touched my chest without asking. He didn’t pressure or coerce me, he just put his hands on me without consent. Does this count as assault when he didn’t force me, and we were 9?

Read Answer
Meaning Making

When I was in 3rd grade, my older sister (4 years older) initiated inappropriate sexual contact between us, including touching private parts and kissing. This happened multiple times. As an adult, I now feel disgusted thinking about it. Was this sexual abuse? How should I understand and cope with this childhood experience? I want to ask her about it, but I am afraid.

Read Answer
Sharing Your Story

When I (18F) was 7, I experienced what I consider sexual abuse from a same-age friend. This led to early sexual awareness and hypersexuality throughout my childhood. Later, I engaged in some inappropriate sexual exploration with my sister when we were both children. At the time, I didn't understand the implications and thought of it as a game. Now I feel guilty and disgusted with myself. My sister remembers some of it but thinks I'm overreacting. We have a good relationship now, but I'm struggling with these feelings. I'm considering talking to my mother but I'm scared of her reaction. I feel I need therapy but can't access it without my parents knowing. Did I abuse my sister? I'm worried she'll grow to hate me. How can I cope with these feelings and move forward? I am really struggling with my mental health.

Read Answer
Understanding Trauma & Violence

As a child, I experienced a situation where a friend pressured me into exposing my genitals, blocking the door when I tried to leave. I initially refused before eventually giving in due to them persisting and feelings of guilt. This happened multiple times. The parents intervened when they found out and then things went back to normal. We remain friends to this day. These memories have resurfaced after many years, and I'm unsure how to categorize this experience. Was this a form of sexual abuse, even without physical contact? Could this childhood experience have long-term effects on me that I have noticed, such as wariness around men especially when I feel they are trying to talk me into doing something against my will? How can I understand and process this part of my past?

Read Answer
Sharing Your Story

I remember my cousin (a girl) engaging in sexual acts with me multiple times when we were children. She said she'd heard it felt good and framed it as fun. We were the same age, but I was oblivious and have autism. Our friendship ended soon after when she became mean. I'm unsure how to feel. Was she being abused? Was I taken advantage of? How should I process this?

Read Answer
Understanding Trauma & Violence

Is it sexual assault if an adult touches another adult's private parts without consent, but as a joke or to upset them rather than for sexual reasons? Also, is it considered sexual assault or COCSA (child-on-child sexual abuse) if a young child pressures another child into sexual acts to bully them, rather than for explicitly sexual reasons?

Read Answer
Understanding Trauma & Violence

My cousin, who was slightly older, pressured me into exposing myself when I was younger (around 8-12 years old). I don't remember him touching me, but I've blocked out many memories. For years, I convinced myself it was just a dream. Now that I am older, I'm facing what happened, but I'm unsure how to label my experience. Can I say I was sexually assaulted or harassed? I don't want to use a label that isn't accurate.

Read Answer
Sharing Your Story

As a child, I was exposed to a highly sexualized environment by my father and experienced sexual abuse from a peer. Later, I engaged in inappropriate sexual play with my younger brother who is on the spectrum. I had a vague understanding that it might be wrong, but I didn't fully comprehend the implications at the time. I now understand it was sexual abuse. I feel guilty and hope my brother doesn't remember. Does this make me a bad person? I still feel very guilty about this event.

Read Answer
Understanding Trauma & Violence

Can a nine-year-old unknowingly sexually assault another nine-year-old? Is it considered wrong because they were a child when they did it? Is it even assault if they didn't know what they were doing was wrong?

Read Answer
Understanding Trauma & Violence

A third-grade girl asks her fourth-grade cousin to engage in explicit behavior she saw in a video. Both children, not understanding the implications, partially undress and the older child lies on top of the younger one, mostly just looking. As adults, the younger child views it as a silly childhood incident, while the older one struggles with the memory. The same person who was the older cousin in the first scenario experiences unwanted touching from ankles to thighs by an older boy in fifth grade, despite crying and trying to refuse. Are either of these experiences COCSA? How does the individual deal with this? Is therapy necessary in such a case?

Read Answer
Understanding Trauma & Violence

When I was 7-8 years old, my friend and I engaged in a game involving clothed touching, imitating abuse that my friend had experienced from a cousin of the same age. At the time, we didn't understand the implications. I enjoyed the physical sensations, but I'm now struggling to process this experience. I'm unsure if I shared information about this game with my own cousin or asked to play it with her, though I don't think we actually did. Does this situation qualify as child-on-child sexual abuse (COCSA)? I'm concerned about how my actions might have affected my cousin. If both my friend and I were willing participants in this game, but it originated from my friend's experience of abuse, is it still considered COCSA?

Read Answer
Understanding Trauma & Violence

I was nine when I was first abused. Can a nine-year-old assault another nine-year-old?

Read Answer
Seeking Help After Trauma
Sharing Your Story

When I was younger, I was sexually abused by my best friend. I was really young, only nine years old, and didn't know it was wrong until years later. We were both nine at the time. Then it happened again two years ago. How do I handle all of this? I'm doing things I shouldn't be doing to cope with all of this. This is my first time sharing my full story. I need help.

Read Answer
Understanding Trauma & Violence

Is it considered child-on-child sexual abuse (COCSA) when a 13-year-old pressures an 11-year-old friend into a romantic relationship by threatening the loss of friendship? The older child then engages in unwanted touching (including hands, face, hair, thighs, stomach, and chest), makes explicit sexual comments, and sends sexually explicit messages. The younger child repeatedly expresses discomfort and does not consent to the touching. The situation persists for months, culminating in the older child pressuring for future sexual activity. Both children are minors, and the younger child is trans. Does this scenario constitute child-on-child sexual abuse (COCSA)?

Read Answer
Meaning Making

When I was a child, between the ages of 7-9, I remember an instance where I made my sister engage in a sexual act with me. Although I don't believe I was sexually abused by any adults, I did have cousins around my age who did sexual things to me, such as pulling down my pants while playing and repeatedly exposing their genitals to me. Additionally, my mother would share detailed stories of her own sexual abuse from a young age. I feel guilty about what I did to my sister and wonder if she remembers it and if it caused her any harm. I did not have bad intentions, but I experience anxiety and OCD, which makes me question if I am a deeply immoral person. I know my relationship with myself and my sexuality was skewed at a young age due to my mother's stories. I became hypersexual as a child, and it persists to this day. I don't remember how many times it happened with my sister, but I think I stopped because it felt wrong, and I knew our mother would be upset if she found out. I never spoke to my mother about it because she is abusive, and I didn't want to aggravate her trauma. I'm wondering if I am an abuser or perpetrator. I don't have any inappropriate feelings towards children now that I'm 19, and I constantly question myself to ensure I am not an abuser. I'm concerned that I may be the reason for my sister's temper issues and acting out, but that could also be a result of our abusive parents. I'm not sure how much I should blame myself.

Read Answer
Managing Trauma Impact

I believe I was sexually abused by a friend when I was a child. She was a classmate of my brother and 5-6 years older than me. Our families were close, which led to us becoming friends despite the age difference. When I was around 6-8 years old, she made us 'play' in a way that involved oral sex. I hated it and tried to avoid doing it 'properly' without her noticing. I tried to forget about the experience, but I think it has taken a toll on me, especially when I started dating. As a lesbian, I struggled with setting boundaries and expressing my needs during sexual encounters. When I tried to perform oral sex on my then-partner, I didn't enjoy it and forced myself to continue even though I wanted it to stop. I believe that what happened to me as a child has affected me as an adult, and I'm seeking validation and information on how childhood sexual abuse can impact a person later in life.

Read Answer
Understanding Trauma & Violence

When I was 9 or 10 years old, my sister (who was 5 or 6 at the time) and I played an imaginary game where our characters would 'date.' The game involved a quick peck on the lips, and on one occasion, I asked her to lay on top of me. However, I quickly stopped the game because it felt wrong, and we never played it again. Now, as an adult, I feel intense guilt and shame, and I'm afraid that I may have sexually abused her. I have discussed this with my therapist and friends who have experienced abuse, and they all reassured me that I did not abuse my sister. Despite this, I can't shake the fear that I did something terribly wrong. Did my actions constitute sexual abuse?

Read Answer
Understanding Trauma & Violence

From ages 5-10, my slightly older sister would make me act out sexual scenarios with toys, either participating herself or watching me. She assured me it was just pretend when I expressed discomfort. She told me explicit sexual stories and reenacted them with me until our only play was sexual in nature. This stopped when she was 13-14, but she continued making sexual comments about my body and encouraging me to watch porn. I became hypersexual but repressed it, convincing myself her comments were harmless despite my discomfort. I've since cut contact but still wonder about her intentions and blame myself for participating. I feel sick thinking about it and can't feel normal about my body or sexuality anymore. I don't know if there's language to describe what happened or if it qualifies as child-on-child sexual abuse (COCSA) since she didn't touch me. I'm unsure if my discomfort is valid or if I can blame her since we were both young.

Read Answer
Understanding Trauma & Violence

When I was young, my younger sibling who was 6 at the time repeatedly engaged in sexual acts with me over the course of a week. I allowed it to happen because it felt good at the time and I didn't think it was wrong. Does this count as child-on-child sexual abuse (COCSA)?

Read Answer
Understanding Trauma & Violence

When I was 4 or 5 years old, a girl my age started kissing me. I felt uncomfortable and knew that something about the situation wasn't right, but I felt frozen and didn't know how to stop it from happening. Would this be considered child-on-child sexual abuse (COCSA)?

Read Answer
Understanding Trauma & Violence

When I was in middle school, my older sister, who was in her late teens, would engage in sexual activity with her boyfriends in front of me. She would claim that they weren't doing anything inappropriate because she thought I believed her and didn't want me to tell our parents. My parents often used me as a pawn to keep an eye on her, thinking she wouldn't misbehave if her younger sibling was present. She would also share graphic sexual stories with me and encourage me to be sexual, smoke, and use drugs, while simultaneously telling me those things were bad and not to do them. I often feel like I'm upset over nothing, but these experiences sent me down a dark path, making me vulnerable to grooming, sexual abuse, coercion, and even sex trafficking. Was this child-on-child sexual abuse (COCSA), or just inappropriate behavior?

Read Answer
Understanding Trauma & Violence

When I was around 6-7 years old, another child of a similar age repeatedly pressured, emotionally manipulated, and guilt-tripped me into engaging in oral sex. Despite me saying no numerous times, he continued to pressure me until I eventually complied. Does this count as child-on-child sexual abuse (COCSA)?

Read Answer
Understanding Trauma & Violence

When I was around 8-9 years old, I used to give my 2-3-year-old sibling kisses on the lips. As far as I can remember, it was completely innocent, and my family often shows affection this way. Some of them still do it to this day. However, due to my OCD and severe anxiety, I'm worried that I might have done something inappropriate and don't remember it properly. I would never want to make someone uncomfortable, and I'm struggling with this thought. Could this be considered child-on-child sexual abuse (COCSA)?

Read Answer

Safety Exit

Resources