Question

When I was very young (around 5-7 years old), my babysitter, who was also a minor but about 7 years older than me, and I engaged in inappropriate touching. I asked her to massage my vagina, and we took turns doing this to each other, with underwear on. I initiated the activity, but I'm unsure how to categorize this experience given our ages. Is this considered abuse or something else, even though I asked for it and we were both minors?

Answer

This is indeed a complex and sensitive situation. Thank you for having the courage to seek understanding about it. Let me provide some perspective...

First, it's crucial to understand that at 5-7 years old, you were not capable of giving informed consent to sexual activities, even if you initiated them. Children at that age don't have the maturity or understanding to comprehend the full implications of sexual behavior.

Your babysitter, being significantly older (around 12-14) and in a position of authority, had a responsibility to maintain appropriate boundaries, even as a minor herself. However, her young age and potential lack of understanding about proper behavior complicates the situation.

This scenario could potentially be classified as child-on-child sexual abuse (COCSA), which occurs when a child engages another child in sexual behavior that is beyond their developmental understanding. However, it's important to emphasize that only you can ultimately define your experiences. While professionals can provide context and information, how you choose to categorize and understand what happened is deeply personal.

Regardless of how you choose to label it, it's important to recognize that you're not at fault for what happened, even though you initiated it. Your babysitter, despite being a minor, should have known better given the age difference. It's also possible that both of you may have been acting out behaviors you'd seen or experienced elsewhere.

The impact of such experiences can vary greatly. Some people may feel confused, guilty, or distressed about it later in life, while others may not feel significantly affected. All of these reactions are valid. If you're struggling with feelings about this experience, it might be helpful to speak with a therapist who specializes in childhood experiences and sexual issues. They can help you process your feelings and understand the event in the context of your overall development.

Remember, seeking understanding about past experiences is a healthy and normal part of processing them. Be patient and kind with yourself as you work through these complex feelings and memories. Your journey of understanding and healing is your own, and it's okay if it takes time to make sense of these experiences.  Thank you for reaching out to us. You are not alone.