Question

I'm seeking advice about a childhood experience that's been on my mind lately. When I was around 8 years old, I had an encounter with a classmate of the same age that involved exposure of private body parts. It was presented as a 'game,' but I felt uncomfortable and initially refused. I eventually gave in to peer pressure and participated briefly. We didn't touch each other, but the memory has stayed with me. I've always tried to brush it off, but recently I've been wondering how to categorize this experience. I'm unsure if it falls under the umbrella of child-on-child harmful sexual behavior or if it was a case of inappropriate childhood curiosity. The incident made me uncomfortable then and still does now, but I'm uncertain about labeling it as 'abuse' since that seems like a very serious term. This experience may have influenced my early interest in mature online content, though I'm not sure if there's a direct connection. I'd appreciate an outside perspective on how to understand and process this childhood event. How can I differentiate between harmful behavior and normal childhood exploration? And how might I address any lingering effects from this experience?

Answer

Thank you for reaching out to us and for sharing your story. It's understandable that you're trying to make sense of this memory now that you're older. Childhood experiences can often be confusing to process as adults.

What you've described is a situation where both you and your classmate were young children exploring something neither of you fully understood. At that age, neither of you could give informed consent. It's normal to feel uncomfortable thinking about it now.

The term COCSA (Child-on-Child Sexual Abuse) covers a wide range of experiences. While your situation may not involve physical touch, it still involved sexual exposure under pressure, which can be distressing. Your feelings of discomfort and confusion are valid.

When considering whether an experience falls under COCSA or healthy childhood exploration, there are some general principles to consider:

Healthy childhood exploration typically involves:

• Mutual curiosity and voluntary participation
• Similar age or developmental stage between children
• No coercion, pressure, or manipulation
• Brief, sporadic instances rather than ongoing behavior
• No secrecy or feelings of shame imposed by either child
• Stops if a child expresses discomfort

Situations that may be considered COCSA often involve:

• A significant age or power difference between the children
• Use of force, coercion, or manipulation
• Behaviors that are advanced beyond the child's developmental stage
• Repetitive or obsessive focus on sexual behaviors
• Secrecy, threats, or imposed feelings of shame
• Continued behavior despite expressed discomfort
• Significant distress or disruption in the life of one or both children

In your situation, there was an element of pressure and discomfort, which doesn't align with healthy exploration. However, it's important to remember that each situation is unique and should be evaluated carefully.

It's common for early sexual experiences, even if not abusive, to impact later behavior or interests. Your subsequent interest in sexual content online may or may not be related - human development is complex.

Remember, you don't need to label your experience if you're not comfortable doing so. What matters most is how you feel and process it. If this memory continues to trouble you, speaking with a therapist who specializes in childhood experiences could be helpful. They can provide personalized guidance and support as you work through these memories and feelings.

Your feelings are valid, regardless of how this experience compares to others. The focus should be on your well-being and healing as you work through these memories and emotions. Take care of yourself. Thank you so much for reaching out to us. You are not alone.