Question

When I was 12/13, at a sleepover with my twin sister at our 16-year-old neighbor's house, a situation occurred involving the neighbor, her 17-year-old brother, and his friend. They suggested a sexual 'game' I didn't understand. The neighbor girl explained oral sex and made us practice with a pencil. My memory is unclear after that. I'm unsure if this was experimentation or abuse/COCSA, and I struggle with how to label this experience.

Answer

Thank you for sharing such a personal and complex experience. It takes courage to open up about these difficult memories and feelings. I want you to know that your emotions and uncertainties about this situation are completely valid. It's natural to struggle with understanding and labeling experiences from our past, especially those from childhood that involved confusing or potentially harmful situations.

Your journey to process and make sense of this experience is deeply personal. Only you have the right to define what this event means to you, and it's okay if that meaning isn't clear right now or if it changes over time. There's no rush to come to any conclusions, and there's no "right" way to feel about it.

It's important to recognize the significant age difference between you and the older individuals involved. At 12 or 13, you were at a very different developmental stage compared to the 16 and 17-year-olds. This age gap often comes with an imbalance in power, knowledge, and ability to consent, which can complicate these situations.

I hear that your memory of the event is unclear, and you're unsure about what exactly transpired after the initial incident. This uncertainty is valid and common when recalling potentially traumatic events, especially those from childhood. Something may or may not have happened beyond what you clearly remember, and it's okay not to have all the answers. Regardless of physical contact, the introduction of sexual content to someone much younger who didn't understand it can be harmful in itself.

Your feelings about this experience, whatever they may be, are valid. Whether you choose to label it as experimentation, abuse, COCSA, or something else entirely - or if you prefer not to label it at all - is entirely up to you. There's no pressure to come to any particular conclusion. It's also okay for your perception and labeling of the experience to change over time as you process and reflect on it. Many people find that their understanding of past events evolves as they gain new perspectives.

If you're finding it difficult to navigate these thoughts and feelings, speaking with a trauma-informed therapist could be helpful. They can provide a safe space for you to explore your experiences without imposing labels or judgments.

Remember, your journey of understanding and processing this experience is your own, and it's okay to take it at your own pace. Your feelings are valid, and you're not "making a big deal out of nothing." The confusion and discomfort you feel are understandable given the nature of the situation and the age difference involved. Take care of yourself, and know that support is available if you need it. Thank you for reaching out to us. You are not alone.