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Answering your questions.

Here are some answers to questions we have received in the past from our survivor community. We hope these answers can help survivors, advocates, and the general public learn more about trauma and survivor healing.

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Understanding Trauma & Violence
Managing Trauma Impact
Meaning Making
Sharing Your Story
Seeking Help After Trauma
Supporting Survivors
Healing Week
Managing Trauma Impact

I'm struggling with my memories of childhood sexual abuse becoming distorted over time. While I have a baseline for what actually happened (someone walked in during the incident and later confirmed specific details to me), my memories have started to change in ways that make the abuse seem more severe than it was. For example, while both my own initial memories and the witness confirm I was partially clothed, I now have vivid memories of being completely undressed. I'm confused and concerned about why my memories are shifting to be more extreme than what I know actually occurred. Is this happening because I was so young when it happened, because I'm subconsciously trying to validate my trauma as 'bad enough,' or is there another explanation? How can I understand these memory changes?

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Understanding Trauma & Violence

I experienced sexual assault by another woman, but I'm struggling to validate it as rape because it didn't involve penetration in the way we typically discuss sexual violence. How can I understand female-perpetrated sexual assault, and why do I feel like my experience doesn't 'count'? I understand logically that women can commit sexual assault, but I'm having trouble accepting my own experience as valid.

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Understanding Trauma & Violence

Should my health information be protected if I received an abortion due to becoming pregnant by non-consensual sex? I recently read an article that abortion records are going to be made public and immediately threw up. I never wanted to think about it again and the thought of it being public record makes me sick. Why am I having such a strong reaction to a news article?

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Understanding Trauma & Violence

Why can I only explain it as “he had sex with me, but I didn’t want to” when explaining my childhood experiences rather than naming what he did?

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Managing Trauma Impact

At age 3-4, I experienced sexual abuse from my 12-year-old male cousin. My parents immediately believed me when I told them, cut all contact with that side of the family, and got me therapy. For years I thought it was just a dream or something I'd imagined, until my mother recently confirmed it actually happened. Now at 31, I'm questioning how this early trauma shaped me - particularly my choice to wait for marriage for physical intimacy (which I had attributed to religious beliefs) and my ongoing difficulty with setting boundaries in sexual situations. While I had supportive parents who took protective action, I still struggle with their eventual reconciliation with my aunt and uncle years later. I'm also uncomfortable with the fact that my younger siblings don't know about this family history. Are these feelings and reactions normal for someone processing childhood trauma?

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Understanding Trauma & Violence

I need help processing a childhood memory that's recently resurfaced. When I was between 7-11 years old, I was involved in an incident of inappropriate exploration with two slightly younger children (a boy and a girl). The exact details are unclear in my memory, but it involved undressing. Now at 22, I'm struggling with these memories and finding myself judging my childhood actions by adult standards. I feel particularly ashamed about the presence of another male during the incident, and I question whether I'm worthy of a straight relationship. It's affecting my self-worth and ability to form connections. How can I understand this in the context of child development, and what steps can I take to move forward?

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Managing Trauma Impact

I'm a survivor of sexual assault who wants to pursue intimate relationships in the future, but I have specific concerns: First, I worry about experiencing flashbacks or other trauma responses during intimate moments, even when I want to be intimate. I'm concerned that past painful memories might interfere with my ability to stay present and continue with wanted intimacy. Second, I struggle with trust issues stemming from my assault. While I logically know there are trustworthy people, I fear potential boundary violations in future relationships. The assault has affected my basic trust in others. How can I work through these fears about intimacy and trust to eventually build healthy relationships?

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Meaning Making

I'm trying to understand and process experiences from when I was 12/13 years old involving a friend of the same age. This person, who was already mentally abusive toward me, engaged in several unwanted physical actions without my consent. She would forcibly lift up my shirt and hold it up, exposing my chest area. She would also climb on top of me, making grinding motions while sitting on me, and sometimes pin me down so I couldn't move. Additionally, she would forcibly kiss me, make unwanted comments about my body, and touch me inappropriately including touching my buttocks. I felt violated and extremely uncomfortable during these experiences. I've been confused about how to categorize what happened, particularly whether these actions constitute sexual assault. Understanding this feels important for my healing process. Can you help me understand the nature of these unwanted physical contacts so I can process them appropriately?

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Managing Trauma Impact

I'm a survivor of sexual assault who is trying to understand sexual arousal and intimacy. I have mixed feelings - there's a natural desire for intimate connection, but also fear based on my past experiences. Sometimes I experience sensations that feel like an adrenaline rush (similar to riding a roller coaster), and I'm trying to understand what these physical responses mean. I want to better understand how sexual arousal works physiologically for women, particularly in the context of processing trauma and potentially developing healthy intimate relationships in the future.

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Sharing Your Story

I'm currently processing a difficult situation in my marriage. A few months ago, during a period when I was struggling with depression and trauma from a sexual assault that occurred before meeting my husband, an incident happened that has left me confused and hurting. One night, while my husband was intoxicated, he initiated sex. I clearly declined because I wasn't in a good mental state. After I went to sleep, I woke up to discover he had removed my pajama bottoms and was engaging in sexual acts without my consent. Since this happened, I've been grappling with complex emotions and uncertainty about whether my feelings are valid or if I'm being influenced by my previous trauma. My husband has shown deep remorse - he's stopped drinking completely and seems to be struggling emotionally with what he did. I asked him to move out temporarily, and we've started couples counseling to see if we can work through this. However, I'm finding it difficult to process everything. I worry that if I can't move past this, I'm destroying my family's stability and causing my husband pain. I'm unsure if my previous assault is making me more sensitive to this situation or if my feelings of violation and breach of trust are warranted on their own.

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Managing Trauma Impact

I went to a club for the first time with my friend's family. Something terrible happened - a man sexually assaulted me. He kissed me without consent, touched me inappropriately, and forced me to drink something that affected my memory. I can't remember his face, only his voice. He kept saying things like 'you want this' and 'your body is asking for it' while blaming me. While I'm clear about what happened to my body, I sometimes question if it was real. I can now get triggered by kiss scenes in movies. I've told two friends in my hostel, but I'm unsure about telling others. I worry they might exclude me from activities, and while I don't want to be alone, I also don't want to burden them. I'm confused about whether this was harassment, rape, or 'normal.' What should I do?

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Understanding Trauma & Violence

Why is it so difficult for me to name my abuse for what it is? Why does it make me physically ill to acknowledge what my father did with me?

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Understanding Trauma & Violence

I have two distinct childhood experiences I'm trying to understand: 1. When I was around 7, my 14-year-old stepbrother coerced me into kissing him by withholding my game until I complied. During that same period, I experienced similar unwanted kissing from older family friends who were several years older than me. I'm unsure if this counts as child-on-child sexual abuse since it involved kissing rather than more severe forms of abuse. 2. In a separate situation at age 10, during a sleepover with two friends of the same age, we watched an inappropriate ad after I suggested it, which led to us mimicking sexual behavior while clothed. I feel guilty about this experience because I initiated watching the ad, making me wonder if I'm responsible for what followed. I feel ashamed to discuss either of these experiences with anyone, even though I was a child in both situations. Can you help me better understand them?

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Managing Trauma Impact
Healing Week

I survived an abusive relationship where my ex physically assaulted me, threatened me, controlled me, and used gaslighting. He received minimal consequences for his actions, while I'm left dealing with the trauma. Although I know I shouldn't check his social media, I do so partly to protect myself by knowing his whereabouts and partly because I'm struggling with how he seems to be living happily - traveling, socializing, and enjoying life - while I'm still broken from his abuse and cruel words. I understand I should focus on moving forward, but I'm finding it impossible. Is time the only solution to healing from this?

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Understanding Trauma & Violence

When I was young, a classmate in school repeatedly exposed themselves to me in the library despite my clear discomfort and objections. They also tried to coerce me into touching them, though this was interrupted before any contact occurred. I've felt upset about this experience for a long time, but I'm unsure if it qualifies as child-on-child sexual abuse (COCSA) because no physical contact happened. I don't want to incorrectly claim victimhood if my experience doesn't qualify.

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Seeking Help After Trauma

I'm struggling to process childhood experiences that I've only shared with my best friend and husband. During my childhood, my step-sibling (who was a year younger) and I engaged in inappropriate touching. I have gaps in my memory about when this occurred and how long it lasted. These memories, along with other parts of my childhood, feel fragmented or missing. I know I need professional help to process this, but I'm finding it difficult to trust a therapist enough to share these experiences. I worry that without being able to open up about this part of my life, I won't be able to recover or understand these memories. What should I do?

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Sharing Your Story

When I was 8, I experienced something confusing with two friends my age who engaged in inappropriate touching and encouraged me to participate. That same day, while changing my 5-year-old autistic brother's diaper, I touched him inappropriately once. I felt sick about both events the next day, stopped being friends with those girls, and never repeated the behavior with my brother. I had forgotten about this until recently. Now I'm struggling with intense guilt, worried that I may have traumatized my disabled younger brother. I'm also terrified of others finding out and seeing me as someone who harmed their vulnerable sibling. I'm confused about whether this was normal childhood exploration or if it counts as abuse - both in terms of what happened with my friends and what I did afterward.

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Understanding Trauma & Violence

When I was 12, my 4-year-old brother would sometimes give family members kisses. Once, after he kissed me, I had an impulse to touch him inappropriately. When he said no, I immediately stopped. My older brother later told him that kissing family members wasn't appropriate. I've never told anyone about my impulse, and I feel intense shame and disgust with myself. Should I talk to someone about this?

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Sharing Your Story

When I was 4-5, my dad's friend's daughter, who was several years older, became my first friend. She would sometimes be physically aggressive if I didn't follow her wishes, but having experienced abuse at home from my mother, I was desperate for connection and accepted this behavior. The friendship took a dark turn when she began initiating sexual contact, telling me it was a normal game between friends and swearing me to secrecy. She would isolate me and coerce me into inappropriate touching and activities. This continued for about 2-3 years until she suddenly stopped, calling it 'gross.' Shortly after, my family moved away. I struggle to label this as abuse since I didn't resist, and I worry about the reliability of these early childhood memories. I've never shared this with anyone before, and the uncertainty and discomfort continue to trouble me.

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Meaning Making

At 15, my adoptive mother sent me to live with my sister's adoptive family. They provided stability and care I'd never had. My sister's adoptive father took special interest in me, becoming like a dad I never had. During a 'father-daughter movie night,' he sexually assaulted me. I froze and complied, not from desire but trying to maintain some control. The abuse continued for 2.5 months until his wife discovered it. My adoptive mother blamed me. I struggle with guilt for not fighting back, telling myself I was protecting his younger daughter. How do I process this trauma and understand my response?

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Sharing Your Story

I need help understanding an experience from my youth. When I was 11-12, my sister (3 years older) began inappropriately touching my chest, first over clothes and then under them. She also had me touch her in similar ways, which made me uncomfortable though I complied to play along. She would make comments like 'My body reacted to how you touched it' (which I didn't understand until later) and called them 'stress balls.' While I was uncomfortable, I didn't recognize it as sexual at the time - it just bothered me like someone pinching you would. This continued until I was 16 (she was 19). I actually forgot about it for a while, but now at 20, I've started reflecting on how inappropriate it was - I can't imagine doing something similar to a 16-17 year old, and seeing normal sibling interactions makes me uncomfortable as I think about what happened. I'm trying to understand this experience better.

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Understanding Trauma & Violence
Sharing Your Story

I experienced online grooming by multiple adults from ages 11-17. During my mid-teens (16-17), I was part of a peer group (ages 15-17) that was manipulated by an adult into engaging in sexual discussions and sharing inappropriate content with each other. At the time, due to ongoing abuse, I thought this was normal behavior. I now worry about whether I unintentionally caused harm to others while I was also being victimized. I'm trying to understand if COCSA (child-on-child sexual abuse) can be a response to trauma, and how to process these complex experiences.

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Understanding Trauma & Violence

I'm struggling with a confusing and painful experience from when I was 14/15 with my cousin. After exposure to explicit content since 13/14, I suggested something inappropriate. The first time, I stopped it because it felt wrong and walked away. But there was a second time, after watching something together, where I suggested it again. Though I initiated it, things quickly became more serious than I expected - what I thought would just be touching escalated to them removing clothes and attempting penetration. I completely froze, just staring at the wall, until they guided my hands to touch them. It was like suddenly coming back to awareness. Everything changed after that - my behavior worsened, I started compulsively viewing more concerning content, and I began rejecting this cousin and feeling uncomfortable around male family members. My room (where it happened) felt contaminated. I remember throwing out their things and crying when my mom confronted me. I'm trying to understand...was I responsible since I initiated it? How can I make sense of suggesting something I didn't actually want? If I said no once, why did I suggest it again? Is this COCSA (child-on-child sexual abuse) or just an uncomfortable experience? How do you know the difference between uncomfortable and harmful?

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Sharing Your Story

I need help understanding if what happened to me was sexual assault. I've been in a relationship with someone for three weeks, and recently at a function, a concerning incident occurred when I wasn't fully sober. At around 2 AM, I told my partner I needed to sleep before driving home. After lying down next to me, he began touching me inappropriately despite me repeatedly moving his hands away and saying 'stop.' When he tried to kiss me, I didn't respond. I started crying, and even though he kept saying 'this isn't right,' he continued. We were both not fully sober. I'm confused and struggling to process this. Since we're in a relationship and we were both not sober, I'm unsure if this counts as assault. I've never been intimate with him before, and I clearly wasn't in a state to consent to any sexual activity. I feel like I might be overreacting, but I'm deeply uncomfortable with what happened. Can you help me understand this situation?

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Managing Trauma Impact
Sharing Your Story

I'm struggling with intense imposter syndrome in survivor spaces. Even though no one is actively pressuring me to share details of my abuse, I feel caught in an impossible situation - like I'm not a 'real' survivor if I keep my story private, but I'm also terrified of not being taken seriously if I do share, given the nature of my abuse. This internal conflict is constant. Sometimes I even find myself wishing someone would invalidate my experience by telling me it wasn't real abuse - which feels deeply confusing because I simultaneously struggle with fears that maybe I'm making it all up or that it 'wasn't bad enough' to count. I need help understanding why I'm experiencing these contradictory thoughts and feelings about my abuse, and how I can break free from this cycle of self-doubt. Why might I be simultaneously seeking validation and invalidation? How can I feel more secure in my own experiences and my place in survivor spaces without feeling pressured to share more than I'm comfortable with?

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Managing Trauma Impact

I need help processing something I've never shared with anyone. When I was 13-14, I engaged in inappropriate behavior during play with my younger sister, who was 5-6 at the time. We played pretend games of mother and child that included simulated breastfeeding and inappropriate touching. It happened a few times, but once I realized it was wrong, I stopped completely and never did anything like that again. I've carried intense guilt and shame about this for years. I worry constantly that I may have caused her trauma. Even though I was young and didn't fully understand what I was doing at the time, I deeply regret my actions and feel overwhelming remorse. I haven't been able to tell anyone about this, but I need guidance on how to process these feelings and understand what to do next. How do I move forward?

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Supporting Survivors
Sharing Your Story

I have a deep desire to be more open about my childhood sexual trauma and join local survivor support and activist groups. However, I often hesitate because my experience involved child-on-child sexual abuse (COCSA). Since the person who sexually abused me was also very young, I struggle with feeling like my voice might matter less in these spaces, or that my experience might not be seen as "real" abuse. I believe strongly that discussing COCSA is crucial – it shows how abuse can create ripple effects through entire communities. But I worry that others, especially in survivor spaces, might privately judge my experiences as less serious or valid, even if they don't say it directly. I want to help raise awareness about childhood sexual abuse, particularly COCSA, since it's rarely discussed in academic or public conversations. How can I move past these fears and step into advocacy work while honoring the complexity of my experience?

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Healing Week

How did you recover from sexual assault?

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Understanding Trauma & Violence

I'm struggling with conflicting feelings about a sexual encounter that occurred while intoxicated. My friend and I were both drunk and engaged in sexual activity. While she remembers more details and feels comfortable with what happened, I have partial memory loss from that night and am experiencing intense guilt and shame. She says I initiated the encounter, but I can't clearly remember how things progressed. I'm having difficulty processing these feelings, especially given the role alcohol played in affecting consent and memory. How can I understand and work through these complex emotions?

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Managing Trauma Impact

I am a survivor of abuse struggling with difficult feelings about my trauma. I find myself experiencing thoughts of craving situations similar to my past abuse. I understand this may be a trauma response, but I need help understanding and managing these distressing feelings in a healthy way. What guidance can you offer about processing and coping with these complex emotions?

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Understanding Trauma & Violence

Through therapy, I'm processing difficult realizations about an experience of being sexually abused by another girl as a child. I've come to understand that my abuser was likely a victim themselves. I'm struggling with intense guilt - if I had spoken up back then, it might have helped them get intervention too. As someone who deeply cares about protecting children, I'm having trouble reconciling that I stayed silent when another child may have been suffering worse abuse. How can I work through these feelings of responsibility that have emerged during my healing journey?

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Seeking Help After Trauma

I need advice about addressing past trauma that's recently resurfaced. After a presentation about personal safety at my school, memories I've tried to suppress have been flooding back. Years ago, my brother, who was two years older than me, sexually abused me over a period of four months. It started during what had been normal sibling room-sharing. Though we maintain a seemingly normal relationship now, I've struggled with anger, family disconnection, anxiety, depression, and insomnia. When I became older, I realized he had known exactly what he was doing, despite my earlier attempts to rationalize his behavior as youthful ignorance. A trusted adult at school has offered support to students who need someone to talk to. This has me questioning whether I should finally tell someone. I'm concerned about potential legal involvement and family consequences. Should I take this step of confiding in them, seek other professional help, or continue trying to move forward on my own? I really need guidance on how to proceed.

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Supporting Survivors

A gender-based violence survivor is being harassed by an ex-partner and fears for their life. What protection measures can you help them access?

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Understanding Trauma & Violence
Managing Trauma Impact

I previously posted about a childhood incident with my neighbor. After posting, a repressed memory surfaced - I now realize he was being abused by his caregiver. I remember her and her boyfriend being present. She was directing things, with her boyfriend encouraging her. I can vividly recall details - my neighbor's thick striped shirt, my pink outfit. The caregiver instructed us in inappropriate sexual behavior. I had such a crush on him at the time. The worst part was when she told him to "do this to as many girls as you can." Even at that young age, I was heartbroken thinking he would do this with others, not just me. Looking back, I believe this caregiver had an inappropriate relationship with him and orchestrated subsequent incidents between us. These experiences were physically and emotionally painful. The memories are so vivid I can still recall specific sensory details. Why did we feel such emotional connection at that age? This has been weighing heavily on me lately, especially since he has no contact with me now and seems to treat me as if it was my fault. The rejection really hurts.

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Meaning Making

I believe I experienced child-on-child sexual abuse from my older sister during early childhood. The incidents occurred during play and stopped when my mother discovered it. Though my memories aren't entirely clear, I'm now struggling with suicidal thoughts, anxiety, and negative self-talk. I sometimes question if what happened was really abuse. Without close relationships for support, I'm trying to understand if these emotional struggles connect to those early experiences. Do I need professional help, and how can I begin healing?

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Managing Trauma Impact

I understand that sexual arousal can sometimes occur during trauma flashbacks for survivors. I'm seeking to understand from a mental health perspective: Is it psychologically healthy or harmful to engage in consensual sexual activity (either alone or with a partner) when experiencing these trauma responses? How can survivors navigate these complex physical reactions in a way that supports healing?

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Understanding Trauma & Violence

I'm struggling with memories from when I was 5 years old, involving inappropriate behavior with my 3-year-old brother. These memories were repressed but resurfaced recently, causing significant anxiety and guilt. The incidents involved recreating inappropriate content I had been exposed to, and one instance of inappropriate touching behavior (no penetration or genital contact). I don't recall having malicious intent, though the secretive nature troubles me deeply. As an adult, I'm severely impacted by these memories and worry that I may have traumatized my brother, potentially affecting his relationship with intimacy. We haven't discussed these events. How can I understand these childhood behaviors in a developmental context, and what steps can I take toward processing these complex emotions and healing?

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Sharing Your Story

How do you disclose to a family member that something traumatic happened to you without feeling judged?

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Sharing Your Story

I recently ended a relationship after experiencing sexual assault. While I was trying to sleep at my girlfriend's house, she violated my consent through unwanted touching and kissing. When I confronted her about this and ended the relationship, she claimed she felt terrified of me. I'm trying to understand this seemingly contradictory behavior: How can someone claim to fear another person, then sexually assault them? Is this type of response - claiming to be afraid - a common pattern among people who commit assault? I'm seeking to understand if this reflects a broader pattern of behavior where perpetrators attempt to position themselves as victims.

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Understanding Trauma & Violence

Between ages 7-9, while my brother was 6-8, I experienced concerning interactions with him that I'm trying to understand. After we were given an educational book about human reproduction, which we didn't fully comprehend, these interactions began as what he called a "game." I felt uncomfortable and knew something wasn't right, though I couldn't articulate why at that age. My brother used threats and manipulation to continue these encounters, which involved inappropriate touching and mimicking behaviors we didn't understand. An adult eventually witnessed concerning behavior and spoke to us about it being wrong. Though we agreed to stop, my brother pressured me into continuing a few more times before finally ending it entirely. I can clearly remember five specific incidents, though I believe there were more that I may have blocked from memory. I've struggled with guilt and confusion about these experiences and am trying to understand if I was a victim, as well as what these events mean in the context of childhood trauma and development. Can you help me understand the psychological implications of these experiences?

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