Our Wave Home
Menu

Answering your questions.

Here are some answers to questions we have received in the past from our survivor community. We hope these answers can help survivors, advocates, and the general public learn more about trauma and survivor healing.

Submit a Question

Filter Questions

Understanding Trauma & Violence
Managing Trauma Impact
Meaning Making
Sharing Your Story
Seeking Help After Trauma
Supporting Survivors
Healing Week
Understanding Trauma & Violence

I'm struggling to understand experiences from my childhood. When I was seven, a friend of the same age initiated inappropriate physical contact during what she called a 'game'. This involved restraint and unwanted touching. As we got older (around 10-11), the actions escalated to include oral contact. Although I didn't enjoy these interactions, I often froze and couldn't express my discomfort. I continued the friendship and visiting her house. Years later, I still have vivid, uncomfortable memories of these events. I'm unsure if this qualifies as child-on-child sexual abuse (COCSA), given our young ages and my uncertainty about whether she understood the implications of her actions. I never explicitly told her I didn't want this to happen. How should I interpret these childhood experiences?

Read Answer
Meaning Making

I'm troubled by a childhood memory. When I was 4 or 5, I kissed an older teenager (16-17) on the cheek several times and told him I liked him. I was a very affectionate child and didn't understand concepts of inappropriate behavior. The teenager didn't react negatively. I recently recalled this and feel ashamed. I'm worried I might have perpetrated child-on-child sexual abuse (COCSA), even though I was so young. How should I interpret this interaction? Was my behavior inappropriate despite my age and lack of understanding?

Read Answer
Understanding Trauma & Violence

Is numerous cheek kisses and words of affection that were non-violent and a way of showing respect and admiration to the other person child-on-child sexual abuse (COCSA)? He was an older teen and I was around 5 or 6 years old. He put me on his lap in church.

Read Answer
Understanding Trauma & Violence

I'm struggling to understand an experience from my childhood. When I was 8-9, my older brother (12-13) initiated inappropriate sexual behavior with me. He exposed me to adult content and encouraged me to participate in sexual acts. At the time, I felt I was willingly participating, but now I realize I didn't fully understand what was happening. The situation involved secrecy and hiding from our parents. When they discovered something had occurred, I was reluctant to discuss it. Years later, when I told my father, he advised me not to tell anyone until I was 18, saying my brother could face legal consequences. I'm confused about how to categorize this experience. Was this child-on-child sexual abuse (COCSA)? I'm seeking understanding after years of confusion. How can I process this and move forward?

Read Answer
Understanding Trauma & Violence

If me and my cousin consensually did sexual things when we were really young, but I started to feel uncomfortable even though I kept doing it without saying no does it count as sexual assault?

Read Answer
Understanding Trauma & Violence

When I was 11-12, I had an uncomfortable experience with an adult instructor during exercise classes. This person made me feel uneasy with their looks and touches, which seemed inappropriate and went beyond what was necessary for instruction or first aid. They restricted my movement and made comments about my appearance that made me uncomfortable. This experience has been bothering me for a long time, and I'm struggling to process it. I'm unsure if this could be considered sexual assault or if I'm overreacting to the situation. Part of me wonders if this person was just doing their job, but another part feels violated. I also question whether I should have reacted differently, like calling for help. Additionally, I'm confused about having conflicting feelings about this experience and whether that's normal. I'm finding it difficult to interpret what happened and how to cope with my feelings about it. Any guidance on how to understand and process this situation would be greatly appreciated.

Read Answer
Understanding Trauma & Violence

I'm struggling to process an uncomfortable experience at a party. I initiated kissing with someone, but they proceeded to touch me inappropriately without my consent. Although I physically indicated I didn't want this by pushing their hand away multiple times, I continued kissing them. I'm confused about my reaction and unsure how to interpret or handle the situation. How can I process this experience, and what could I have done differently?

Read Answer
Understanding Trauma & Violence

In the context sexual behaviour between children of the same or similar ages, what sort of behaviours might be considered coercion?

Read Answer
Understanding Trauma & Violence

I need advice about a concerning situation with a friend. During a weekend sleepover, a friend and I kissed one night. The next evening, I told everyone I didn't want to be touched, but this same friend continued to touch me inappropriately despite my request. Later, when I went to bed, he joined me uninvited. Despite my clear refusal, he began touching me sexually. Although I initially resisted, I eventually started to feel some physical enjoyment. However, the next day I felt uncomfortable discussing it. I'm confused about whether what he did was wrong, or if I'm overthinking the situation. What's your perspective on this?

Read Answer
Meaning Making

As someone with OCD, I'm struggling with guilt over childhood sexual experimentation that occurred when I was about 14. This involved fully-clothed body rubbing with three female friends, including my 11-year-old stepsister. It was consensual and happened a few times. My therapist says this wasn't abuse, given my lack of ill intent and my own childlike status at the time. However, I'm worried because some definitions suggest such experimentation could be considered abuse. I had no understanding of arousal or orgasms then, and my stepsister has confirmed she never felt wronged. As a mother now, this guilt is affecting my adult life. Can you provide clarity on whether this constitutes Child-on-Child Sexual Abuse (COCSA), considering the circumstances?

Read Answer
Understanding Trauma & Violence

When I was 11, I experienced what I believe was Child-on-Child Sexual Abuse (COCSA) from a 16-year-old who is autistic. This experience still affects me significantly - I have flashbacks, can't enjoy certain activities, and struggle with body image. However, people I've confided in say I shouldn't blame him due to his age and autism. I'm unsure if my feelings are valid or if I'm overreacting. Is it appropriate to consider this COCSA given the circumstances? (For context, I'm also being evaluated for autism, which makes others' dismissal of my experience particularly upsetting.)

Read Answer
Seeking Help After Trauma

A couple years ago, I had an experience at a family gathering where someone entered my room while I was heavily intoxicated. My cousin interrupted what seemed to be a sexual encounter, but didn't fully understand the situation. At the time, I was too impaired to process what was happening. Recently, I've started feeling anxious about this incident and believe I was taken advantage of. My family doesn't seem to understand the impact it's had on me. How can I address these delayed feelings of distress and find support to process this experience?

Read Answer
Managing Trauma Impact

I recently experienced a traumatic sexual encounter that I didn't consent to, despite expressing that I wasn't ready. It's left me struggling with anxiety, depression, and severe insomnia for the past 5 days. I'm feeling guilty, angry at myself, and experiencing physical symptoms like dehydration, migraine, and pain. I've even had thoughts of harming myself. How can I cope with these intense emotions and physical symptoms?

Read Answer
Understanding Trauma & Violence

When I was very young (5-7), my slightly older cousin (6-8) initiated sexual behavior with me. I agreed without feeling pressured or scared, and I don't think either of us really understood what we were doing. Is this considered a form of abuse or child-on-child sexual abuse (COCSA), even though I didn't feel negatively about it at the time?

Read Answer
Managing Trauma Impact

Even though I've been assaulted more by women, I've developed anxiety about men instead. I don't understand why and I feel like its unjustified.

Read Answer
Seeking Help After Trauma
Understanding Trauma & Violence

I have a domestic violence case against my abusive ex. Recently, after my 18th birthday, I learned he's been showing people nude photos and sexual images of us from when I was 17. Initially, I didn't believe it, but now another witness has confirmed it. If I bring this up in court, would it be considered a child pornography offense since I was underage when the photos were taken?

Read Answer
Managing Trauma Impact

Is there a way to relieve nausea I am feeling after being assaulted?

Read Answer
Understanding Trauma & Violence

I experienced unwanted sexual contact on a bus when a man put his face against my bottom. It was my first sexual contact, and when I turned around, I found him attractive. Is it normal to feel sexually attracted to my assailant? Lately, I've been wanting to see him again (though I can't). Is this self-destructive behavior or a desire to rewrite my story? I believe his actions were intentional based on how he looked at me and didn't move away quickly.

Read Answer
Managing Trauma Impact

Is it normal to wake up feeling like I am currently being sexually penetrated and assaulted all over again when it has been 45 years since I was assaulted?

Read Answer
Seeking Help After Trauma

I was sexually assaulted by my father after turning 18, with prior incidents in my teens. I told my older sister, but she advised against telling my mom, who's still married to him. I'm struggling to navigate this situation. How can I get support from family members? It's not like I can avoid him completely - he's still in my life and the lives of those close to me. I'm dealing with constant triggers, fear, and a confusing sense of family obligation. There's also pressure to keep it hidden for the family's reputation. Do you have any insights on how I can handle this complex situation?

Read Answer
Meaning Making

I'm afraid to have kids because I'm scared they will grow up to either be abused or abuse other people. How reasonable is this fear? What can I do about it?

Read Answer
Sharing Your Story

I got extremely drunk at a party and ended up in a sexual situation with a friend who I'd previously rejected. I have fragmented memories of participating in some sexual acts, but I was way more intoxicated than usual, partly because he pressured me to drink more. I remember feeling unhappy and wanting to leave, but I didn't. I had told another friend before the party that I wasn't interested in him. Given how drunk I was and my unclear memories, even though I seem to have participated in some way, could this still be considered sexual assault?

Read Answer
Managing Trauma Impact

I was assaulted (a stranger was walking around me acting all weird and he grabbed my bottom). Part of my reaction is "I never want anyone to touch me there again," but another part is "What would it feel like if someone touched me there and I wanted them to touch me?" I think someday I want to experience intimate touch with someone I love and trust. Is this feeling my brain trying to help me reclaim my body? How do I reconcile these feelings?

Read Answer
Understanding Trauma & Violence
Managing Trauma Impact

Will I as a sexual assault survivor be able to have a "normal" romantic/sexual relationship someday? I have never had that kind of relationship before. I think I'm afraid of that kind of intimacy and physical touch because my first experience of sexual touch was someone approaching and grabbing me. I hate that there are people who think they can misuse other people's bodies.

Read Answer
Understanding Trauma & Violence

Is it harmful for a teenager (14) to show kids younger than them porn as a joke or is that considered child-on-child-sexual abuse (COCSA)? And what if they immediately regret doing so afterwards?

Read Answer
Understanding Trauma & Violence

I'm trying to understand a past experience where I felt pressured into intimate activities. The person didn't use physical force or explicit threats, but I felt unable to refuse. They persisted despite my hesitation, using subtle pressure and ignoring my attempts to express discomfort. I liked this person and tried to convince myself their actions were okay because they weren't overtly aggressive. However, I felt intimidated and unable to effectively communicate or enforce my boundaries. Is this considered a form of coercion, even though the pressure was more emotional and mental rather than physical? I'm struggling to categorize this experience and would appreciate some insight. How do we define coercion when it's not overtly forceful but still results in unwanted activities?

Read Answer
Understanding Trauma & Violence

Is it a form of sexual abuse if your parents would have very loud sexual encounters on a regular basis? And watch lots of movies with very sexual content in them?

Read Answer
Managing Trauma Impact

I'm experiencing recurring, vivid mental images of assault scenarios that I know didn't actually happen. These images feel very real and detailed, even though I'm aware they're not based on true events. They vary widely in content, and some are even impossible situations. Despite knowing these aren't real memories of assaults, the vividness sometimes makes me question reality. I'm not actively trying to imagine these scenarios - they seem to appear in my mind involuntarily. I'm unsure what to call this experience or why it's happening. Can anyone help me understand what this might be and suggest ways to manage these distressing thoughts?

Read Answer
Managing Trauma Impact

I experienced childhood sexual trauma (oral abuse) and now struggle with vaginismus causing painful intercourse, despite the abuse not involving vaginal penetration. This has caused some issues in my relationship as we want children one day but I cannot handle vaginal sex. Pelvic floor exercises and dilators have provided minimal help. Why might I have vaginismus given the nature of my trauma, and how can I manage its effects?

Read Answer
Understanding Trauma & Violence

I'm seeking advice about a childhood experience that's been on my mind lately. When I was around 8 years old, I had an encounter with a classmate of the same age that involved exposure of private body parts. It was presented as a 'game,' but I felt uncomfortable and initially refused. I eventually gave in to peer pressure and participated briefly. We didn't touch each other, but the memory has stayed with me. I've always tried to brush it off, but recently I've been wondering how to categorize this experience. I'm unsure if it falls under the umbrella of child-on-child harmful sexual behavior or if it was a case of inappropriate childhood curiosity. The incident made me uncomfortable then and still does now, but I'm uncertain about labeling it as 'abuse' since that seems like a very serious term. This experience may have influenced my early interest in mature online content, though I'm not sure if there's a direct connection. I'd appreciate an outside perspective on how to understand and process this childhood event. How can I differentiate between harmful behavior and normal childhood exploration? And how might I address any lingering effects from this experience?

Read Answer
Understanding Trauma & Violence

I experienced a sexual situation with my cousin when I was 8 and she was around 12. At the time, I didn't feel affected by it, but now that I'm older, it's impacting me. I'm unsure how to process this, considering our ages at the time and her possible awareness of her actions. How can I understand and cope with these complex feelings?

Read Answer
Managing Trauma Impact

I recently left my abusive ex-fiancé and have been attending therapy regularly to process my experiences. As I heal, more memories are surfacing. I'm working on setting boundaries and demanding respect, which is a change from my previous people-pleasing behavior. However, my family seems unsupportive of my healing journey. They get angry about my therapy attendance and my new boundaries. I believe they might think I somehow caused my ex's abusive behavior. As someone recovering from severe abuse and changing long-standing patterns, how can I help my family understand and support my healing process? What strategies can I use to deal with their judgment and lack of support? How can I maintain my boundaries and continue my healing journey while navigating these challenging family dynamics?

Read Answer
Understanding Trauma & Violence

Since intoxicated people cannot consent, what is the situation if two intoxicated people willingly have intercourse with each other? Would that still not be okay?

Read Answer
Understanding Trauma & Violence

I understand that prisoners cannot consent to sexual relationships with prison staff. But among prisoners themselves, is consent possible? If there's a power imbalance between prisoners, can the situation still be consensual if the person with more power is respectful and sets boundaries?

Read Answer
Understanding Trauma & Violence

I'm seeking advice about a situation that occurred when I was 14. I met a 17-year-old online, and we quickly developed a close relationship, communicating daily. Our interactions became intimate, involving explicit messages and photos. I'm now concerned about whether this was appropriate given our age difference. He insisted we keep our "relationship" secret from others. The experience has negatively affected my mental health, leading to depression, isolation, and body image issues. I've been hesitant to discuss this with anyone, including my therapist. I'm confused about what constitutes love, as he was often kind and comforting. I'm unsure if this situation is considered grooming or if it's a serious issue. Can you help me understand if this experience was inappropriate or potentially abusive? How can I cope with the emotional impact it's had on me? I'm looking for guidance on how to process this experience and move forward.

Read Answer
Understanding Trauma & Violence

I recently had my first gynecological examination. The experience was stressful for several reasons. The doctor seemed physically aggressive during the exam, in my opinion. I had difficulty staying still due to nervousness. Despite my request, the doctor didn't consistently warn me before touching me. I felt scared that I might be forcibly restrained. I understand that the examination wasn't sexual in nature, but I'm unsure how to process this experience. Are my feelings of discomfort and uncertainty justified? How should I interpret this situation?

Read Answer
Meaning Making

When I was about eight, these two boys held me down on the playground. I think it was only one of them kissing me. Everyone kind of gathered around in a circle and laughed and egged him on. Does this count as assault? It makes me feel ill to think of years later.

Read Answer
Understanding Trauma & Violence

One of my earliest memories involves a traumatic incident with an older relative when I was very young. I'm unsure about some details, but I recognize it now as child-on-child sexual abuse (COCSA) due to the age difference and my lack of understanding at the time. However, I'm confused because I don't feel as affected by this experience as I think I should be. While I understand the act was wrong, I don't have strong emotions about it. Is it normal to feel relatively neutral about a traumatic childhood experience like this? I feel like I should have more intense feelings about the incident, but I don't.

Read Answer
Understanding Trauma & Violence

Could you talk about "faking consent?"

Read Answer
Understanding Trauma & Violence

I've been reading about power imbalances in relationships, including how those with more power can unintentionally influence others. This has raised some confusing and troubling questions for me: 1. How can someone unknowingly cause harm due to their position of power in a relationship? 2. At what point does a power dynamic potentially make someone's actions constitute sexual assault or rape? 3. If a person doesn't realize they're in a position of power over their partner, how can their actions be considered rape? How could someone unintentionally become a rapist in a situation they didn't recognize as involving power inequality? 4. Should people in powerful positions actively check on others' boundaries? What other considerations or responsibilities do they have? I'm having trouble understanding these complex dynamics and the ethical implications involved. Can you help clarify these issues?

Read Answer

Safety Exit

Resources