Question

When I (18F) was 7, I experienced what I consider sexual abuse from a same-age friend. This led to early sexual awareness and hypersexuality throughout my childhood. Later, I engaged in some inappropriate sexual exploration with my sister when we were both children. At the time, I didn't understand the implications and thought of it as a game. Now I feel guilty and disgusted with myself. My sister remembers some of it but thinks I'm overreacting. We have a good relationship now, but I'm struggling with these feelings. I'm considering talking to my mother but I'm scared of her reaction. I feel I need therapy but can't access it without my parents knowing. Did I abuse my sister? I'm worried she'll grow to hate me. How can I cope with these feelings and move forward? I am really struggling with my mental health.

Answer

Thank you for reaching out to us and asking this question. It sounds like you are grappling with complex feelings about childhood experiences involving your sister. It's clear you care deeply about her and are struggling with guilt and confusion over past events. First, it's important to recognize that as children, we often engage in exploratory behaviors without fully understanding their implications. Based on what you've described, it doesn't sound like you had any harmful intent – you were imitating things you'd heard about without comprehending their full meaning.

It's positive that you and your sister have a good relationship now and have been able to discuss this. Her perspective that you may be overreacting is worth considering. While feeling guilty about past actions is common, it's crucial not to let those feelings overwhelm you. You were a child yourself, acting without full understanding. Be gentle with yourself.

Your mental health concerns, particularly if you have any suicidal thoughts, are very serious. Please reach out to a suicide prevention hotline or crisis counselor if you're having these thoughts – you deserve support and care. Speaking with a therapist could be incredibly helpful in processing these experiences and feelings. If you feel comfortable, talking to your mother might be a good step towards getting that support. In addition, since you are over 18, you should be able to access support on your own without her knowing if needed. Take a look at if there are any free online or in-person supports for young adults in your area.

Some good places to start are:

1. The Suicide and Crisis Lifeline: 988 Suicide & Crisis Lifeline - Call. Text. Chat. (988lifeline.org)

2. RAINN (Rape, Abuse & Incest National Network)'s online chatline: About the National Sexual Assault Telephone Hotline | RAINN

If you decide to talk to your mother to get additional support, it's important to approach the conversation thoughtfully. Choose a time when you both have privacy and aren't rushed. You might start by expressing that you need to discuss something serious and personal. It's okay to be nervous – you can tell her that too. You could say something like, "Mom, I need to talk to you about some experiences from my childhood that are troubling me. It's hard for me to bring this up, but I need your support." Consider writing down your main points beforehand if you're worried about getting flustered. Be honest about your feelings, original intent, and your desire for professional help. Remember, your mother may need time to process this information too. If you're worried about her reaction, you could ask a school counselor or another trusted adult for advice on how to have this conversation.

Remember, you were a child at the time of these events. Whether you decide to talk to your mother now or wait until you feel more ready, prioritizing your mental health and seeking support are important steps. These events do not define who you are as a person.

Moving forward, try to be kind to yourself. Focus on maintaining the positive relationship you have with your sister. Consider seeking professional help to work through these feelings. You deserve happiness and the chance to heal. Thank you so much for reaching out. You are not alone.