Question

When I was 9 or 10 years old, my sister (who was 5 or 6 at the time) and I played an imaginary game where our characters would 'date.' The game involved a quick peck on the lips, and on one occasion, I asked her to lay on top of me. However, I quickly stopped the game because it felt wrong, and we never played it again. Now, as an adult, I feel intense guilt and shame, and I'm afraid that I may have sexually abused her. I have discussed this with my therapist and friends who have experienced abuse, and they all reassured me that I did not abuse my sister. Despite this, I can't shake the fear that I did something terribly wrong. Did my actions constitute sexual abuse?

Answer

Thank you so much for sharing this heavy load that you care carrying. I hear your concern and the intense guilt and shame you're feeling about this childhood experience with your sister. It's important to recognize that curiosity about bodies and relationships is a normal part of child development. Many children engage in exploratory play, like playing "house" or "doctor," which can sometimes involve playful physical affection like brief kissing or cuddling. When this play is light and mutual, it is usually considered harmless.

In your situation, the play seemed to make you uncomfortable, leading you to stop engaging in that game. This demonstrates that you had a sense of boundaries and didn't want to continue something that felt "wrong." The fact that you put a stop to the behavior is a good sign that you were not acting with abusive intentions.

Your therapist and friends who have experienced abuse are likely correct in their assessment that your behavior was not abusive. You were both very young children, close in age, engaging in brief, playful experimentation. Importantly, when it started to feel inappropriate, you stopped of your own accord.

However, I understand that even with this reassurance, intense feelings of guilt and anxiety can linger. These emotions are valid and deserve care and support, even if they don't align with the reality of your actions. I encourage you to continue processing this with your therapist, who can help you work through the shame and self-doubt in a healthy way.

Remember, you were a child. Children often learn about physical and relational boundaries through trial and error in their play. The fact that you're deeply contemplating this experience shows that you have a strong moral compass and commitment to not harming others. Be compassionate with yourself as you navigate these complicated feelings. Thank you again for trusting us with this. Lean on your support system, trust your gut, and remember you are not alone.