Question

I'm struggling to determine whether what I experienced was sexual assault or if I'm just upset that it didn't go as I had hoped. I met a guy from a dating app who asked me to study with him at a public library. I agreed, thinking that was all that would happen. When he asked to kiss me, I didn't say no, but I didn't really enjoy it. Later, he asked me to meet him in the bathroom, and although I didn't want to, I felt like I had to go through with it. I didn't like it, and he didn't have a condom, but I didn't say anything. Since I never explicitly told him no, I feel like it doesn't count as assault because he might have thought I was consenting. Afterwards, he blocked me, and we never spoke again, but I had a pregnancy scare that caused me a lot of stress. I have panic attacks when I see people who look like him, and I can feel him touching me. I haven't worn the outfit I had on that day because it makes me feel gross. The encounter happened around 3 AM when I hadn't slept for at least two days and was going through a breakup with an abusive partner. I wasn't in a good state of mind, but he didn't know that. As an autistic person, I may have missed some signals, but I didn't expect things to happen in public. I'm doubting if it was sexual assault because I felt fine at the time, but since then, I've had no positive or neutral feelings about it. I've never had sex with a guy before, so I wonder if I'm just disappointed and trying to find a reason to be upset because it wasn't the fairy-tale experience I had imagined.

Answer

Thank you for reaching out to us. What you've described sounds like a very distressing and confusing experience. It's understandable that you're struggling to make sense of your feelings and determine whether what happened was sexual assault.

First, it's important to recognize that consent is not just the absence of a "no." It's the presence of an enthusiastic, informed, and freely given "yes." It sounds like you were not in a state of mind to give clear, enthusiastic consent. You mentioned that you didn't want to engage in sexual activity but felt like you had to go through with it. This pressure to comply, even if it wasn't explicitly stated, can be a form of coercion. Additionally, the fact that you were sleep-deprived, recently out of an abusive relationship, and potentially missed social cues due to being autistic all contribute to a situation where you were vulnerable and not fully able to advocate for your needs and boundaries.

It's concerning and upsetting that he blocked you and disappeared after the encounter. This suggests that he may have been more interested in his own gratification than in ensuring that the experience was mutually comfortable and consensual. I am sorry you experienced that. You did not deserve that. That is not a kind thing to do and I can only imagine how painful that must have felt for you.

The physical and emotional reactions you've been experiencing - panic attacks, feeling his touch, discomfort with wearing certain clothing - are all common responses to sexual trauma. Even if you felt fine in the moment, it's valid to have delayed reactions of distress, confusion, and disgust. 

Only you can label your experiences, but it is important to remember that sexual assault is never your fault. You are not to blame for his actions or for not being able to stop the situation. It's the responsibility of the person initiating sexual contact to ensure that their partner is enthusiastically consenting and comfortable throughout the encounter.

It's understandable that you're questioning your own feelings and wondering if you're just disappointed that the experience didn't live up to your expectations. However, the fact that you're having such strong negative reactions suggests that there wa something deeply unsettling about the encounter, and that you may be feeling something beyond just disappointment.

I encourage you to reach out to a trusted friend, family member, or therapist to process this experience. It can be helpful to talk through your feelings with someone who can offer support and validation. If you feel comfortable, you may also want to consider contacting a sexual assault hotline or chatline or support organization for additional resources and guidance.

Remember, your feelings are valid, and you deserve to have your boundaries and well-being respected in all sexual encounters. Having trouble labeling coercive experiences is not uncommon. Be gentle with yourself as you navigate this complex situation, and know that support is available. Thank you for trusting us with this. You are not alone.