Question

I was kissed by a sober person while I was drunk. When I confronted them later, they claimed I had insisted and begged for it to happen, and that I had made them uncomfortable by continuing to try after they said no. They say this is why they ended up kissing me, though they admit I didn't force them to do anything against their will. I'm fairly certain this isn't what happened, and I clearly remember taking distance at one point, after which they leaned in to kiss me again. They even put me to bed and kissed my forehead. Their account has left me very confused. At first, I thought I might have been harassed, but now I'm questioning if I was the one who pressured or coerced them. I need help making sense of this situation.

Answer

Thanks for reaching out to us. The situation you've described is incredibly complex, and it's understandable that you're feeling confused and conflicted. These types of encounters often exist in a gray area that can be difficult to navigate, especially when alcohol is involved and memories may be unclear or conflicting.

Several key points stand out in your story:

1. You were drunk, and they were completely sober. This creates a significant imbalance in the ability to consent and make decisions.
2. Your clear memory of taking distance at one point and them leaning in to kiss you again is important. This suggests that they initiated further contact even after you had pulled away.
3. The fact that they put you to bed and kissed your forehead indicates they recognized your vulnerable state.

These factors are crucial in understanding the dynamics of the situation and validating your feelings of discomfort or concern.

It's important to acknowledge that while the other person was sober, they may have genuinely misinterpreted your actions or words. In the heat of the moment, especially if you were being affectionate or insistent, they might have believed you were capable of consenting and that you genuinely wanted the interaction. They may not have fully understood the extent of your intoxication or the implications of engaging sexually with someone who is drunk.

That being said, it's crucial to emphasize that their sobriety placed a greater responsibility on them to ensure clear, enthusiastic consent. Even if they believed in the moment that you were consenting, the ethical choice would have been to wait until you were sober to engage in any sexual activity.

Their conflicting account – claiming you pressured them but also admitting you didn't make them do anything against their will – could reflect their own confusion or guilt about the situation. They might be struggling to reconcile their actions with their own values or understanding of consent.

It's important to remember that you are not to blame for this situation. Being drunk does not make you responsible for someone else's actions or decisions. Even if you were being flirtatious or insistent, you were not in a state to give informed consent, and the sober person should have recognized this.

At the same time, it's possible that this was a case of miscommunication and poor judgment rather than intentional harm. This doesn't invalidate your feelings of discomfort or regret, but it might help in processing the event.

Only you can decide how to interpret and label this experience. If you feel violated or taken advantage of, those feelings are entirely valid. If you're unsure or feel it was more of a misunderstanding, that's also valid. What's most important is how you feel and what you need to move forward.

Consider speaking with a counselor or therapist who specializes in these issues. They can provide a safe space to process your feelings and offer strategies for dealing with the confusion and emotional impact of this event. Thank you again for reaching out to us. You are not alone and your experience is valid.