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Answering your questions.

Here are some answers to questions we have received in the past from our survivor community. We hope these answers can help survivors, advocates, and the general public learn more about trauma and survivor healing.

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Understanding Trauma & Violence
Managing Trauma Impact
Meaning Making
Sharing Your Story
Seeking Help After Trauma
Supporting Survivors
Healing Week
Meaning Making

As someone with OCD, I'm struggling with guilt over childhood sexual experimentation that occurred when I was about 14. This involved fully-clothed body rubbing with three female friends, including my 11-year-old stepsister. It was consensual and happened a few times. My therapist says this wasn't abuse, given my lack of ill intent and my own childlike status at the time. However, I'm worried because some definitions suggest such experimentation could be considered abuse. I had no understanding of arousal or orgasms then, and my stepsister has confirmed she never felt wronged. As a mother now, this guilt is affecting my adult life. Can you provide clarity on whether this constitutes Child-on-Child Sexual Abuse (COCSA), considering the circumstances?

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Understanding Trauma & Violence

When I was 11, I experienced what I believe was Child-on-Child Sexual Abuse (COCSA) from a 16-year-old who is autistic. This experience still affects me significantly - I have flashbacks, can't enjoy certain activities, and struggle with body image. However, people I've confided in say I shouldn't blame him due to his age and autism. I'm unsure if my feelings are valid or if I'm overreacting. Is it appropriate to consider this COCSA given the circumstances? (For context, I'm also being evaluated for autism, which makes others' dismissal of my experience particularly upsetting.)

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Seeking Help After Trauma

A couple years ago, I had an experience at a family gathering where someone entered my room while I was heavily intoxicated. My cousin interrupted what seemed to be a sexual encounter, but didn't fully understand the situation. At the time, I was too impaired to process what was happening. Recently, I've started feeling anxious about this incident and believe I was taken advantage of. My family doesn't seem to understand the impact it's had on me. How can I address these delayed feelings of distress and find support to process this experience?

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Managing Trauma Impact

I recently experienced a traumatic sexual encounter that I didn't consent to, despite expressing that I wasn't ready. It's left me struggling with anxiety, depression, and severe insomnia for the past 5 days. I'm feeling guilty, angry at myself, and experiencing physical symptoms like dehydration, migraine, and pain. I've even had thoughts of harming myself. How can I cope with these intense emotions and physical symptoms?

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Understanding Trauma & Violence

When I was very young (5-7), my slightly older cousin (6-8) initiated sexual behavior with me. I agreed without feeling pressured or scared, and I don't think either of us really understood what we were doing. Is this considered a form of abuse or child-on-child sexual abuse (COCSA), even though I didn't feel negatively about it at the time?

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Managing Trauma Impact

Even though I've been assaulted more by women, I've developed anxiety about men instead. I don't understand why and I feel like its unjustified.

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Seeking Help After Trauma
Understanding Trauma & Violence

I have a domestic violence case against my abusive ex. Recently, after my 18th birthday, I learned he's been showing people nude photos and sexual images of us from when I was 17. Initially, I didn't believe it, but now another witness has confirmed it. If I bring this up in court, would it be considered a child pornography offense since I was underage when the photos were taken?

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Managing Trauma Impact

Is there a way to relieve nausea I am feeling after being assaulted?

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Understanding Trauma & Violence

I experienced unwanted sexual contact on a bus when a man put his face against my bottom. It was my first sexual contact, and when I turned around, I found him attractive. Is it normal to feel sexually attracted to my assailant? Lately, I've been wanting to see him again (though I can't). Is this self-destructive behavior or a desire to rewrite my story? I believe his actions were intentional based on how he looked at me and didn't move away quickly.

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Managing Trauma Impact

Is it normal to wake up feeling like I am currently being sexually penetrated and assaulted all over again when it has been 45 years since I was assaulted?

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Seeking Help After Trauma

I was sexually assaulted by my father after turning 18, with prior incidents in my teens. I told my older sister, but she advised against telling my mom, who's still married to him. I'm struggling to navigate this situation. How can I get support from family members? It's not like I can avoid him completely - he's still in my life and the lives of those close to me. I'm dealing with constant triggers, fear, and a confusing sense of family obligation. There's also pressure to keep it hidden for the family's reputation. Do you have any insights on how I can handle this complex situation?

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Meaning Making

I'm afraid to have kids because I'm scared they will grow up to either be abused or abuse other people. How reasonable is this fear? What can I do about it?

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Sharing Your Story

I got extremely drunk at a party and ended up in a sexual situation with a friend who I'd previously rejected. I have fragmented memories of participating in some sexual acts, but I was way more intoxicated than usual, partly because he pressured me to drink more. I remember feeling unhappy and wanting to leave, but I didn't. I had told another friend before the party that I wasn't interested in him. Given how drunk I was and my unclear memories, even though I seem to have participated in some way, could this still be considered sexual assault?

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Managing Trauma Impact

I was assaulted (a stranger was walking around me acting all weird and he grabbed my bottom). Part of my reaction is "I never want anyone to touch me there again," but another part is "What would it feel like if someone touched me there and I wanted them to touch me?" I think someday I want to experience intimate touch with someone I love and trust. Is this feeling my brain trying to help me reclaim my body? How do I reconcile these feelings?

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Understanding Trauma & Violence
Managing Trauma Impact

Will I as a sexual assault survivor be able to have a "normal" romantic/sexual relationship someday? I have never had that kind of relationship before. I think I'm afraid of that kind of intimacy and physical touch because my first experience of sexual touch was someone approaching and grabbing me. I hate that there are people who think they can misuse other people's bodies.

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Understanding Trauma & Violence

Is it harmful for a teenager (14) to show kids younger than them porn as a joke or is that considered child-on-child-sexual abuse (COCSA)? And what if they immediately regret doing so afterwards?

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Understanding Trauma & Violence

I'm trying to understand a past experience where I felt pressured into intimate activities. The person didn't use physical force or explicit threats, but I felt unable to refuse. They persisted despite my hesitation, using subtle pressure and ignoring my attempts to express discomfort. I liked this person and tried to convince myself their actions were okay because they weren't overtly aggressive. However, I felt intimidated and unable to effectively communicate or enforce my boundaries. Is this considered a form of coercion, even though the pressure was more emotional and mental rather than physical? I'm struggling to categorize this experience and would appreciate some insight. How do we define coercion when it's not overtly forceful but still results in unwanted activities?

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Understanding Trauma & Violence

Is it a form of sexual abuse if your parents would have very loud sexual encounters on a regular basis? And watch lots of movies with very sexual content in them?

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Managing Trauma Impact

I'm experiencing recurring, vivid mental images of assault scenarios that I know didn't actually happen. These images feel very real and detailed, even though I'm aware they're not based on true events. They vary widely in content, and some are even impossible situations. Despite knowing these aren't real memories of assaults, the vividness sometimes makes me question reality. I'm not actively trying to imagine these scenarios - they seem to appear in my mind involuntarily. I'm unsure what to call this experience or why it's happening. Can anyone help me understand what this might be and suggest ways to manage these distressing thoughts?

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Managing Trauma Impact

I experienced childhood sexual trauma (oral abuse) and now struggle with vaginismus causing painful intercourse, despite the abuse not involving vaginal penetration. This has caused some issues in my relationship as we want children one day but I cannot handle vaginal sex. Pelvic floor exercises and dilators have provided minimal help. Why might I have vaginismus given the nature of my trauma, and how can I manage its effects?

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Understanding Trauma & Violence

I'm seeking advice about a childhood experience that's been on my mind lately. When I was around 8 years old, I had an encounter with a classmate of the same age that involved exposure of private body parts. It was presented as a 'game,' but I felt uncomfortable and initially refused. I eventually gave in to peer pressure and participated briefly. We didn't touch each other, but the memory has stayed with me. I've always tried to brush it off, but recently I've been wondering how to categorize this experience. I'm unsure if it falls under the umbrella of child-on-child harmful sexual behavior or if it was a case of inappropriate childhood curiosity. The incident made me uncomfortable then and still does now, but I'm uncertain about labeling it as 'abuse' since that seems like a very serious term. This experience may have influenced my early interest in mature online content, though I'm not sure if there's a direct connection. I'd appreciate an outside perspective on how to understand and process this childhood event. How can I differentiate between harmful behavior and normal childhood exploration? And how might I address any lingering effects from this experience?

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Understanding Trauma & Violence

I experienced a sexual situation with my cousin when I was 8 and she was around 12. At the time, I didn't feel affected by it, but now that I'm older, it's impacting me. I'm unsure how to process this, considering our ages at the time and her possible awareness of her actions. How can I understand and cope with these complex feelings?

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Managing Trauma Impact

I recently left my abusive ex-fiancé and have been attending therapy regularly to process my experiences. As I heal, more memories are surfacing. I'm working on setting boundaries and demanding respect, which is a change from my previous people-pleasing behavior. However, my family seems unsupportive of my healing journey. They get angry about my therapy attendance and my new boundaries. I believe they might think I somehow caused my ex's abusive behavior. As someone recovering from severe abuse and changing long-standing patterns, how can I help my family understand and support my healing process? What strategies can I use to deal with their judgment and lack of support? How can I maintain my boundaries and continue my healing journey while navigating these challenging family dynamics?

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Understanding Trauma & Violence

Since intoxicated people cannot consent, what is the situation if two intoxicated people willingly have intercourse with each other? Would that still not be okay?

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Understanding Trauma & Violence

I understand that prisoners cannot consent to sexual relationships with prison staff. But among prisoners themselves, is consent possible? If there's a power imbalance between prisoners, can the situation still be consensual if the person with more power is respectful and sets boundaries?

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Understanding Trauma & Violence

I'm seeking advice about a situation that occurred when I was 14. I met a 17-year-old online, and we quickly developed a close relationship, communicating daily. Our interactions became intimate, involving explicit messages and photos. I'm now concerned about whether this was appropriate given our age difference. He insisted we keep our "relationship" secret from others. The experience has negatively affected my mental health, leading to depression, isolation, and body image issues. I've been hesitant to discuss this with anyone, including my therapist. I'm confused about what constitutes love, as he was often kind and comforting. I'm unsure if this situation is considered grooming or if it's a serious issue. Can you help me understand if this experience was inappropriate or potentially abusive? How can I cope with the emotional impact it's had on me? I'm looking for guidance on how to process this experience and move forward.

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Understanding Trauma & Violence

I recently had my first gynecological examination. The experience was stressful for several reasons. The doctor seemed physically aggressive during the exam, in my opinion. I had difficulty staying still due to nervousness. Despite my request, the doctor didn't consistently warn me before touching me. I felt scared that I might be forcibly restrained. I understand that the examination wasn't sexual in nature, but I'm unsure how to process this experience. Are my feelings of discomfort and uncertainty justified? How should I interpret this situation?

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Meaning Making

When I was about eight, these two boys held me down on the playground. I think it was only one of them kissing me. Everyone kind of gathered around in a circle and laughed and egged him on. Does this count as assault? It makes me feel ill to think of years later.

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Understanding Trauma & Violence

One of my earliest memories involves a traumatic incident with an older relative when I was very young. I'm unsure about some details, but I recognize it now as child-on-child sexual abuse (COCSA) due to the age difference and my lack of understanding at the time. However, I'm confused because I don't feel as affected by this experience as I think I should be. While I understand the act was wrong, I don't have strong emotions about it. Is it normal to feel relatively neutral about a traumatic childhood experience like this? I feel like I should have more intense feelings about the incident, but I don't.

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Understanding Trauma & Violence

Could you talk about "faking consent?"

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Understanding Trauma & Violence

I've been reading about power imbalances in relationships, including how those with more power can unintentionally influence others. This has raised some confusing and troubling questions for me: 1. How can someone unknowingly cause harm due to their position of power in a relationship? 2. At what point does a power dynamic potentially make someone's actions constitute sexual assault or rape? 3. If a person doesn't realize they're in a position of power over their partner, how can their actions be considered rape? How could someone unintentionally become a rapist in a situation they didn't recognize as involving power inequality? 4. Should people in powerful positions actively check on others' boundaries? What other considerations or responsibilities do they have? I'm having trouble understanding these complex dynamics and the ethical implications involved. Can you help clarify these issues?

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Meaning Making

Can you explain how power imbalances can affect consent in relationships? What are some examples of power dynamics that could potentially make consent questionable, both in intimate and non-intimate contexts? How might those same situations look different if there was no power imbalance?

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Managing Trauma Impact

I experienced sexual harassment and unwanted touching from someone I initially thought was a friend. This went on for over a year before it stopped. It's now been 2 years, but I still struggle with intense feelings of guilt, shame, and stress when triggered by memories of what happened. I'm in therapy and on medication to help manage my emotions, but I'm looking for additional ways to work through these difficult feelings. How can I internalize that I have nothing to be ashamed of and shouldn't feel guilty for what happened to me?

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Understanding Trauma & Violence

Is it possible for a child to assault an adult? What should the adult do if this happens?

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Managing Trauma Impact

Why does being assaulted or abused make some victims feel "dirty" or disgusted with themselves a lot of the time?

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Meaning Making

What is a good age difference in a relationship for an 18- or 19-year-old so that they don't get groomed from an older person?

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Meaning Making

I've read that grooming can affect not just children, but also vulnerable adults up to age 25. Does this mean relationships involving young adults in their early 20s could be considered problematic? How is grooming distinguished from normal relationship development in this age group, especially for vulnerable individuals?

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Understanding Trauma & Violence

I'm curious about the legal and ethical implications of sexual encounters where one party unknowingly engages with someone who can't consent. This could be due to forced prostitution or conditions like sexsomnia. How responsible is a person for recognizing these situations? I'm trying to understand these complex scenarios without unfairly blaming those who might be unaware of the full circumstances. How do law and ethics view such situations?

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Meaning Making

I'm seeking guidance on a delicate subject related to sexual exploitation. I'm trying to understand how to differentiate between two scenarios involving young people visiting a brothel: one where both individuals are victims of early sexualization and may not fully understand the risks, and another where one individual is knowingly leading the other into a potentially dangerous situation. I'm feeling conflicted about this issue because it involves the sensitive topic of sex work, which challenges some of my political beliefs. Can you provide insight on how to approach and understand these complex situations?

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Understanding Trauma & Violence

I understand the concepts of grooming and Romeo and Juliet laws, but I'm struggling to differentiate between various situations involving age differences in relationships. Why do some young adults still pursue relationships with minors, even in our modern society? Additionally, could Romeo and Juliet laws potentially excuse problematic behavior in young people?

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