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Answering your questions.

Here are some answers to questions we have received in the past from our survivor community. We hope these answers can help survivors, advocates, and the general public learn more about trauma and survivor healing.

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Understanding Trauma & Violence
Managing Trauma Impact
Meaning Making
Sharing Your Story
Seeking Help After Trauma
Supporting Survivors
Healing Week
Sharing Your Story

I'm struggling to process being groomed. I find myself resisting the reality of what happened to me and having trouble accepting that the person who groomed me did something wrong. Everything feels overwhelming and confusing right now. While therapy isn't an option for me at the moment, I'm also hesitant to reach out for help because I don't want to burden others or make this situation feel bigger. I'm feeling lost about how to handle these complicated emotions and memories. How can I cope with feeling this way?

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Understanding Trauma & Violence

When I was 4, a 5-year-old neighbor pressured me into playing an inappropriate sexual 'game.' I wanted so badly to be his friend and had a crush on him so I complied. Looking back now, I understand he was probably being abused himself, likely by his caregiver. After my sister told my mom what was happening, my mom contacted his mom about it. After that, he completely shut me out and treated me like I had done something wrong, even though he was the one who pushed me into it. Why would he act that way? Was it because he felt ashamed? I feel like this early experience shaped me into always trying to please people. It's hard to understand why he used me and then treated me so coldly after. He wouldn't even look at me.

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Understanding Trauma & Violence

I'm trying to understand consent in the context of child-on-child sexual abuse (COCSA). I believe I experienced something like this, but my memories are unclear about when exactly it happened or the specific details of the incident. How do we understand agreement or consent when it involves children? I'm struggling with this uncertainty and trying to make sense of my experience.

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Understanding Trauma & Violence

When I was 7 or 8, a boy my same age at school coerced me during a game of truth or dare. He threatened that something would happen if I didn't comply, and then touched me inappropriately. I said no multiple times before eventually giving in. I've been struggling with this memory recently because my friend suggested it was sexual abuse, but I keep trying to dismiss it as nothing and push the thoughts away. Given that we were the same age, I'm confused about whether this was abuse or just childhood experimentation. I'm having trouble understanding what happened and how to categorize this experience.

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Meaning Making

I'm trying to understand if my sister's behavior constitutes abuse. She's consistently mean to me - making fun of me, calling me names, and demanding I do things for her. What particularly bothers me is how she repeatedly violates my physical boundaries with unwanted touching, even though I've explicitly told her to stop many times. The touching isn't sexual, but it makes me extremely uncomfortable: she tickles me, pokes me, grabs my face, slaps my butt when I'm walking upstairs, and does irritating things like hovering her hand near me or putting it in front of my face. While she's always been physically demonstrative, I've grown to hate it. I struggle because these actions might seem innocent to others, and my reactions can appear like overreactions. While it's not sexual abuse or traditional physical abuse, it is persistent unwanted touching and boundary violation. Is this pattern of behavior considered abusive, even if it doesn't fit typical definitions of abuse?

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Understanding Trauma & Violence

I've noticed in discussions about child-on-child sexual abuse (COCSA) that most cases seem to involve victims who are young children or early teens (up to age 14). Does this mean that incidents involving older teens aren't considered COCSA, or are they just less commonly reported? I'm trying to understand how age affects how these experiences are categorized and recognized.

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Understanding Trauma & Violence

I'm trying to understand the age dynamics of grooming behaviors. Can grooming occur between very young children (ages 3-6)? What about between children or teens who are close in age (1-2 years apart)? Additionally, can a young person who has been exposed to predatory behavior from adults become someone who grooms others? I'm having trouble understanding these complex dynamics and would appreciate clarification.

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Sharing Your Story

When I was around 3 or 4 years old, my cousin (who was about 5 or 6) and I were very close. At that age, we had a child-like idea that we would get married. During one interaction, he told me that people weren't really married unless they put their face and mouth on the other person's private parts. When I refused, he suggested I only needed to put my face, not my mouth. While he didn't physically force me or threaten me in any way, and I wasn't scared of him hurting me, I felt compelled to comply because he said I should. This happened once that I can recall. Was this COCSA (child-on-child sexual abuse)? I'm trying to understand how to categorize this early childhood experience.

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Supporting Survivors

My girlfriend and I are in a long-distance relationship, about 9 hours apart. She recently told me she was almost a victim of human trafficking. According to her, she and her friend were drugged and found by police before they could be transported. She woke up in a hospital where she was tested for STDs (all negative), but tragically, she told me her friend didn't survive. This isn't her first trauma - she was also molested when she was 8 years old. Learning about this recent incident has deeply affected me. While she tells me not to worry and that she's okay, I'm struggling to cope. I still love her, but I feel different. Being so far away when this happened makes it worse - I wish I could be there for her, though I'm not sure how much help I could be. I'm feeling lost and empty, and I need advice on how to handle this situation and my emotions.

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Meaning Making

I'm trying to process experiences from my first relationship and understand if what happened was sexual assault. I was 18 and in a long-distance relationship. When my then-boyfriend visited, he began touching me inappropriately without my consent. While I never explicitly said 'no' or 'stop,' I would try to deflect with excuses like 'my parents could see.' He pressured me into my first kiss, and afterward repeatedly initiated sexual touching without asking. When I expressed I wasn't ready, he would either continue or switch to a different type of touching, still without permission. During what I thought would be innocent kissing, he would suddenly escalate physically. When I expressed discomfort, he would dismiss my concerns as dramatic and continue. I consented to making out but never to the other touching. I felt pressured to participate in sexual activities because I thought it would make him stay with me. Instead, he broke up with me in August and quickly moved on to someone else. He took all my firsts - my first kiss, date, and relationship - and made them about sexual gratification. I'm struggling with guilt, feeling I should have spoken up more clearly. How do I process this trauma and stop blaming myself?

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Understanding Trauma & Violence

I experienced something sexually traumatic, but I'm struggling to name or categorize it. It doesn't match what I typically think of as rape, yet I know something violated my boundaries and has affected me deeply. The incident falls into a grey area that makes it hard for me to seek support - I find myself questioning if it was 'bad enough' to deserve help or validation. How can I process and seek support for my experience when I don't have the right words to describe what happened to me? Is it normal to feel this uncertainty about naming my trauma?

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Managing Trauma Impact

I'm a college student in therapy, working through a past sexual assault. There's someone in my English class I'm attracted to. We tried to plan a hike together but it fell through due to scheduling conflicts. I'm considering whether to suggest another meetup, maybe something different like having lunch again at the cafeteria. However, I'm hesitant, even though he's never done anything concerning. My fear about the hike, despite it being a normal activity, feels like a trauma response. I'm experiencing internal conflict - wanting connection while being afraid of it. Physical touch is particularly complicated for me now - it's my natural way of expressing affection, but past experiences have made it feel unsafe. How can I navigate these conflicting feelings about wanting to date while dealing with trust and safety concerns?

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Understanding Trauma & Violence

My friend's older brother (13 years older) came into my room during a vacation. I woke up to him rubbing my leg and he got on top of me. I am unsure if or where he finished-- I was frozen and stared at the ceiling the entire time. The night before, he touched me inappropriately but I dismissed it as him being drunk. Months later, I keep remembering that I felt aroused at one point during the assault. This causes me guilt and makes me question if it was really assault. I also get 'butterflies' when thinking about it despite the trauma. Is this normal?

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Managing Trauma Impact

The harm I experienced happened 4 years ago. I'm no longer in contact with the friend who did it - all my friends cut contact with them for similar reasons after I finally told them everything. They were supportive. While I'm mostly fine now and everything seems resolved, I still think about it often. How do I move forward when it's 'over'? Should I just try to forget about it?

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Understanding Trauma & Violence

I was groomed online and my groomer made me sext with another child around to my age. I don't know how much I should be responsible for hurting the child. I don't know if I’m even a victim in this situation. I don’t know how much I was really forced, considering it was all online.

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Sharing Your Story

At age 7, a friend showed me explicit videos and explained adult concepts. This led me to seek similar content throughout my school years, affecting my behavior in ways that continue today. I have few childhood memories and can't recall if any physical contact occurred - my therapist says this memory loss may be protective. Was the exposure to explicit content alone considered child-on-child sexual abuse (COCSA), and how might it have impacted my mental health?

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Managing Trauma Impact

I've been in therapy for two years processing sexual trauma. Recently, I've started experiencing physical arousal when thinking about or processing the assault. This is particularly distressing since I'm gay and the assault was by someone of the opposite sex. Are these physical responses normal during trauma processing?

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Understanding Trauma & Violence

I'm processing childhood sexual experiences from my neighborhood and family. When I was 6-7, my friend coerced me and her younger brother (4-5) into sexual acts neither of us wanted. While I've largely worked through this, I believe she may have been abused herself. There were teenage predators in our neighborhood who abused several children, including my sister. I managed to avoid them by staying away, though I didn't understand why they frightened me at the time. Later, my brother (13-14) sexually abused my sister (6) through coercion, starting with a 'trade' for favors and escalating until our parents discovered it. They stopped it but never got us therapy. I struggle with guilt for escaping the worst abuse while my sister endured so much. I followed my instincts to avoid dangerous situations, but this feels like blaming my sister. I wonder if my brother targeted her because she was less compliant than me. Is this survivor's guilt? How do I process being the 'lucky' one?

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Understanding Trauma & Violence

When I was around 6-7, my older sister (11-12) would initiate 'tongue kissing' with me. While I never verbally objected, I felt uncomfortable and guilty afterward. I had forgotten about this until recently (I'm now 22), but these memories keep surfacing. I'm struggling with physical intimacy in my relationships and wonder if there's a connection. I have several questions. Am I overreacting to these memories? Could my mind be fabricating these experiences? Is it possible there were other incidents I can't remember? Could this be related to my difficulty with physical intimacy in relationships? I also suspect my sister may have been sexually abused herself, though I'm not certain.

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Managing Trauma Impact

When I was 13, someone older inappropriately touched me. I'm still unsure if the touch was sexual in nature, but it left me feeling confused and angry. I kept quiet about it for a long time, though it made me sad. Will I ever stop feeling guilty about not speaking up sooner?

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Seeking Help After Trauma

I need guidance on reporting sexual assault by my former criminal defense attorney. The assaults occurred across multiple counties over several years during his representation, severely impacting my criminal case. While I know this violates State Bar rules, I'm unsure whether to report to the county where he works, lives, or where I reside. I've found limited resources specifically about attorney sexual assault. Can you advise on proper reporting procedures and available support services?

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Understanding Trauma & Violence

When I was 7, my older cousin (10) would inappropriately touch my chest and groin area, calling it 'tickling.' At that age, I didn't understand it was wrong, and my body had an involuntary physical response. Does having a physical reaction at the time mean it wasn't abuse?

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Understanding Trauma & Violence

If someone violates someone sexually but claims they didn't mean it sexually, is it still considered sexual abuse/assault?

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Managing Trauma Impact

I've suddenly developed an unexplained fear that a specific person might hurt me. They've never shown any concerning behavior and are actually very nice - someone I enjoy talking to. I feel guilty about these feelings since they seem unfounded. Since I can't avoid them, how do I handle these fears?

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Understanding Trauma & Violence

My older brother sexually abused me for about 4 years, with a 4-year age gap between us. The last attempt was when he was 16. I struggle with understanding at what age he would have fully comprehended his actions versus lacking maturity. I told my family because my other brother had a daughter - am I overreacting by not wanting him near her, now that he's 28? Also, people often say abusers must have been abused themselves, but as far as I know, we had a great childhood with supportive parents. He started at 12 - what other reasons might explain this behavior? I've worked with a therapist but these questions still come up.

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Meaning Making

When I was 12, four boys (one my best friend) repeatedly made rape jokes, including about me. Later they played 'Tickle Torture' with me, holding me down despite my protests and attempts to escape. While I don't remember if I was touched inappropriately, it felt scary, painful, and vaguely sexual. People call this assault, but I'm unsure how to define it. What was this?

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Understanding Trauma & Violence

Growing up my father used to run his hand up my thighs and touch me. I’ve told people about it and they have all said “your fine your just being dramatic” or “it wasn’t his fault. Your father just doesn’t understand boundaries. Get over it”. Are they right am I just being dramatic?

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Understanding Trauma & Violence

What differentiates molestation from other forms of abuse? Can a child/preteen be molested by someone the same age?

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Understanding Trauma & Violence

At a party, a sober person made out with me while I was severely intoxicated. The incident bothered me, and I confided in someone about feeling taken advantage of. That person shared my story, and it got back to my assaulter. They then spread a counter-narrative, claiming I pressured and harassed them. The story has transformed completely, and now people are ganging up against me. I'm too overwhelmed to defend myself, but I clearly remember what happened despite their claims about my intoxication affecting my memory. Do other survivors experience their assaulters trying to flip the narrative and paint them as the aggressor?

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Seeking Help After Trauma

I recently escaped my attacker but learned I need spinal surgery due to the repeated attacks. I'm struggling to survive, feeling alone, ignored, and hopeless. My life has changed dramatically and I desperately need support and help. Where can I turn?

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Understanding Trauma & Violence

When I was 4, my 8-year-old sister and I engaged in sexual play. Around age 8, I started showing symptoms associated with sexual abuse (bed-wetting and others). My mom says when I saw a therapist then, I insisted no one had abused me. Could the earlier experiences with my sister have caused these symptoms? Was the age difference significant?

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Managing Trauma Impact

Someone rubbed their hand up my inner thigh in a sexual way without my consent. Although it happened 10 years ago it is playing on my mind now. Part of me is telling myself that it isn't a big deal as it was only my inner thighs that were touched and that I am making a mountain out of nothing. I think this thinking is doing more harm than good as I keep going into a thought spiral. How do I stop this kind of thinking and is that form of touching assault?

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Seeking Help After Trauma

When I was around 8-10 years old, I was involved in inappropriate sexual play with two cousins during summer visits. While my older cousin initiated most of these interactions through games like truth or dare, I also initiated an incident with my younger cousin that I deeply regret and know caused harm. Their families know but mine doesn't. I carry intense guilt and shame about this, complicated by my own history of family abuse. While we remain on friendly terms, I've never addressed it. I now have a loving girlfriend and am close with my mom and brother, but I'm terrified of losing them if they found out about what I did as a child. How do I process these feelings and handle the fear of losing my loved ones?

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Managing Trauma Impact

I find myself being triggered by seemingly unrelated things, including certain words that aren't inherently sexual. Everyday triggers keep bringing up memories of past experiences. How can I manage these unexpected reminders?

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Understanding Trauma & Violence

I have memories from when I was 4 or 5 involving an older child (around 10-13) who my mom babysat. He showed signs of early exposure to sexual content. I remember him taking me to a room and trying to make me undress, and I believe he touched me inappropriately. Being so young, I didn't understand what was happening at the time. He also physically harmed me through strangulation when I was 6. I'm just beginning to process these memories and realize the severity of what happened. How should I characterize these experiences? Is this COCSA?

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Sharing Your Story

I've experienced abuse from multiple people throughout my life. When I've tried to share my story before, others have asked me to stop because they found it too difficult to hear. I want to share my experiences in a way that might help other survivors/ victims, but I'm unsure if this is an appropriate space. Is it okay to share a longer, complex story about survival here?

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Understanding Trauma & Violence

I had an experience at a Halloween party where, while intoxicated, I engaged in consensual kissing and dancing with someone I knew. In the moment, I was comfortable with what happened. Now that I'm sober, I'm struggling with feelings of regret and guilt, not because of the other person's actions, but because this behavior feels out of character for me. I typically hold myself to different standards, and these feelings are really weighing on me. Are these feelings of regret normal? How do I process this situation where both parties consented in the moment, but I'm now feeling conflicted about my own choices?

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Managing Trauma Impact

I experience intrusive thoughts about past unwanted experiences repeating themselves, either with people I know or in general situations. I understand these thoughts don't reflect my actual desires, but I'm unsure how to handle them. Should I try to ignore these thoughts? How can I better cope with them when they arise?

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Seeking Help After Trauma

I'm trying to process childhood experiences that happened when I was 6 or 7 years old. Multiple peers, including friends, classmates, and family members my age, engaged in inappropriate interactions with me. It happened frequently enough that I began to think it was normal. I never told anyone because I feared getting in trouble, not being believed, or not being taken seriously. I've never shared these experiences with anyone before. Could this be child-on-child sexual abuse (COCSA)?

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Understanding Trauma & Violence

How do inappropriate or potentially abusive childhood sexual interactions affect both children involved as they grow up? Can the child who initiated unwanted behaviors experience difficult feelings like shame or regret later in life, even if they didn't understand the impact at the time? How do these early experiences affect both children's emotional development?

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