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Answering your questions.

Here are some answers to questions we have received in the past from our survivor community. We hope these answers can help survivors, advocates, and the general public learn more about trauma and survivor healing.

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Understanding Trauma & Violence
Managing Trauma Impact
Meaning Making
Seeking Help After Trauma
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Supporting Survivors
Healing Week
Seeking Help After Trauma

During an experience that would be considered assault, I participated willingly and even enjoyed aspects of it physically. However, I was under the age of consent at the time. If I didn't experience it negatively in the moment, does that mean it wasn't actually sexual assault?

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Understanding Trauma & Violence

I went out for drinks with a friend and he kept trying to touch me, repeatedly putting his hand on my thigh. Every time I pushed him away, his hand would move higher. Is this still considered sexual assault even though we were both fully clothed?

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Managing Trauma Impact

How do I cope with feeling like I want a traumatic experience to happen again?

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Managing Trauma Impact

I was abused at the age of 5 and suppressed the memories until they came back in my early teens. I'm an adult now and despite the tremendous pain and anxiety I was going through, I didn't feel shame or guilt until recently. I had a nightmare last week with a voice telling me I was bound to become like my abuser, that I was a monster. My mind has been plagued with these thoughts ever since. It won't stop despite me logically knowing it's ridiculous. Now every time I see a child, I get horrific flashbacks of my abuse. I don't know what to do. This has never happened to me before and I'm confused as to why it happened so suddenly. I can't help but feel like a monster every time it happens. Can you help me understand what might be happening?

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Understanding Trauma & Violence

When I was young, a classmate with two friends pinned me down and performed oral on me. We were both the same age, but I still have episodes remembering this day. I feel guilty for feeling anger and having these episodes since we were the same age. How can I process these complex feelings?

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Meaning Making

As someone who is constantly overthinking, how do I know my sexuality? Is it simply time? I would consider myself bisexual but sometimes I worry that I only like women even though I've never dated one and am in a committed relationship with a man that I love. Sorry if I sound horrible.

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Understanding Trauma & Violence

I experienced sexual abuse from ages 6/7 until 11/12 by a classmate during sleepovers at his house. He stopped when we reached seventh grade. I didn't recognize it as abuse until I was 15, though I knew it was wrong at the time. Now at 20, I have fragmented memories, including one where his father entered the room during an incident, making me concerned he might have been involved too. What can I do to recover these memories? I've considered contacting my former classmate as we're on cordial terms, though we've never discussed what happened. What might I say to him? I really need to understand what happened.

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Understanding Trauma & Violence

Is it still sexual assault if it was my sister, and she didn't have malicious intent? When I was around 15, my sister grabbed my buttcheek. She'd done it before but it only really felt bad this specific time. Everyone I know considers this sexual assault, but I feel like I'm appropriating the term calling it that. I feel like it's not because: she was my sister, she was only a year older, it was so statistically improbable, she didn't have malicious intent, and I've read about others with worse experiences who didn't label their experiences as sexual assault.

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Meaning Making

When I was younger, I had frequent sleepovers at my aunt's house. During one visit, I ended up alone with her in the house's mudroom. She told me to take off my clothes. I communicated that I didn't want to and it made me uncomfortable, but she kept insisting it was "fine" because we were both female. I remember her removing her clothes, but my memory is unclear about what happened after that. She is responsible for another unrelated trauma in my life as well. I'm conflicted about whether I'm glad I don't remember or wish I could recall more to answer the questions in my head. I've never shared this with anyone because I don't know if my experience is valid, and I don't want to invade spaces where I don't belong. Am I right to feel uncomfortable about this experience? I'm just tired of feeling so lost.

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Meaning Making

After I was sexually assaulted, for a short time, I thought I wanted it. I thought maybe he touched me because he liked me. Does it still count as assault if I thought those things at the time? Am I stupid?

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Managing Trauma Impact

About 6 months ago while on vacation with a friend and her family, her older half-brother (34) made advances at me (21) in a hot tub when my friend wasn't looking. The next morning, I woke up to him standing over me. He got on top of me, removed our clothes, locked the door, and had sexual contact with me. I was completely frozen during this—I couldn't move or speak. When it was over, I was in pain and bleeding. I didn't tell anyone except another friend on the trip, believing it was consensual since I didn't stop it. When that friend told my other friend (his relative), she became furious with me. Since then, I've been in therapy twice weekly with monthly psychiatric visits. At first, I could occasionally go out with a close friend, but recently I've become unable to leave the house for social events. I still go to work and school, but when I tried to join my sister's birthday celebration, I broke down crying. Why can't I go out socially? Am I overreacting after 6 months? I still blame myself and think about it daily. When will I feel safe going out again, and how do I know things will improve?

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Managing Trauma Impact

When I was 14-15, I engaged once in an inappropriate boundary-crossing game with a much younger child (5) that involved rubbing around private areas while fully clothed. We stopped when they asked, and I immediately told my parents who explained boundaries to me. I had experienced childhood sexual trauma myself and didn't understand self-gratification. Eleven years later, I still feel terrible about this incident, and my OCD causes intrusive thoughts telling me I'm an abuser. I've discussed this with my therapist but continue to struggle. How can I understand and process this childhood mistake?

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Understanding Trauma & Violence

I would like to know if someone can develop a fetish or kink around humiliation if the sexual abuse they experienced didn't arouse them sexually when it occurred. Could it be the shame and humiliation themselves that lead to developing this kink rather than any physical sensation experienced at the time? What's the connection between these experiences? For instance, if someone was coerced into a sexual act they didn't want to perform and felt no physical pleasure from it, could that experience be the cause of developing a specific kink related to that trauma when they begin to develop sexually?

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Understanding Trauma & Violence

I was inappropriately touched at age 6 by a classmate who repeatedly put his hand in my skirt despite me telling him to stop. He only stopped when he left the school. I barely remember details but feel physically sick recalling his lunchbox. People told me "he must have liked me." I think because of it I've been repulsed by physical contact with other people and very picky when it comes to others, especially boys/men. Now I'm confused - we were both children, but I never consented. Was this coercion? Was it wrong?

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Understanding Trauma & Violence

I had a relationship from ages 10-14 with someone who was 13-17. I had previous trauma and was exposed to sexual content from a young age by my biological father, which led me to develop hypersexual tendencies. When we met, I quickly developed a crush on this person. Our relationship became sexual both online and physically. They had their own trauma from sexual assault and depended on me emotionally during PTSD episodes and suicidal thoughts. My mental health declined during this relationship. When I questioned the age gap, they said it was okay because I was "mature for my age" and because they had autism they "felt younger." I still talk to this person but feel our relationship wasn't normal. Was this grooming? I feel like it negatively impacted my development, but I also feel partially responsible since I never said no. How should I understand this situation?

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Meaning Making

When I was younger (8 years old) another guy (12 or 13 years old) who was a few years older sexually touched my private area and performed oral acts on me. Before he touched me each time he asked if he could and I just sat there and shook my head yes because of how shocked I was by his question. Is that considered molestation or nothing really?

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Managing Trauma Impact

Around age 7, my cousin (a girl 7 months younger than me) exposed me to pornography. I can't tell if that would be considered child-on-child sexual abuse (COCSA) or 'normal' childhood behavior. My experiences worsened throughout childhood - at ages 8-9, I have memories of my older brothers molesting me through inappropriate touching. From age 9 until 21, I was groomed by predators online, which severely impacted my self-perception. I'm working with a therapist and doing art therapy to help my inner child express emotions around these experiences. What other self-healing approaches could I try at home to address this deep-rooted trauma?

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Managing Trauma Impact

When I was young, my older sister engaged in inappropriate sexual contact with me, including making me perform oral sex on her. I didn't understand what was happening at the time, but it sparked a chain of events including an addiction to explicit videos that I'm still struggling with in my 20s. I think she believes I don't remember the incident. I understand the situation is complicated because she was also young, but I can't help feeling angry. I've discussed this in therapy, but I'm having trouble moving past it. What can I do?

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Understanding Trauma & Violence
Managing Trauma Impact

I woke up one night to someone fondling my breast. When I told a relative, they said to let it go because the person was also a relative and younger. I recently started having flashbacks of the incident. Later, my partner violated my boundaries and used physical violence when I said no. I feel disgust, anger, and weakness for not understanding that what happened wasn't okay. How do I deal with these feelings? Is this normal?

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Understanding Trauma & Violence

I experienced sexual abuse and neglect as a young child. I was frequently left alone between ages 3-6, during which time I was sexually abused multiple times by older boys. By age 6, I experienced severe physical abuse before being removed from that environment. Things improved for about two years, but at age 8, I did something inappropriate to my younger cousin. I've struggled with overwhelming guilt and shame ever since. This, combined with my earlier trauma, has led to severe depression, suicide attempts, and a psychotic episode where this information first came out. I've never received specific advice about this situation. How can I understand these experiences and begin to heal from both the trauma I experienced and the harm I caused?

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Understanding Trauma & Violence

I was dating someone in high school and at the beginning of our relationship, I established clear boundaries about not wanting certain types of physical intimacy. Throughout the relationship, he repeatedly asked to cross these boundaries, and eventually my boundaries were disregarded. When I tried to reinstate them, he dismissed their importance and convinced me these activities weren't "bad." Things escalated to touching over clothes and requests for sexual activities. While I felt physically attracted to him, I didn't actually want to engage in these activities, but felt pressured to say yes because he wanted it so badly. After one particular incident, I broke down crying. I'm in a new relationship now but feel anxious about future intimacy because I'm afraid it will trigger memories of my past experience. Was what happened to me a form of sexual assault? How can I approach intimacy in my current relationship without being overwhelmed by these memories?

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Understanding Trauma & Violence

I experienced unwanted touching and kissing when I was 12-13 from a boy a year older than me who was staying with family friends for a week. He would follow me to hiding places during games and touch me, which gave me mixed emotions of curiosity and discomfort. He created situations to be alone with me, touched me in "intimate areas" over my clothes, and I felt "dirty" and anxious someone might find out. Later he asked for explicit photos which I blocked. I've never talked to a professional about this and feel guilty for not pushing him away. At the time, I thought I should feel "grateful" for doing something "cool" and "grown up," but I still feel gross about it years later. Is this considered COCSA or trauma?

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Understanding Trauma & Violence

Is it normal for my body to physically respond during sexual assault even if I didn't want what was happening? When I was assaulted, the person touched my private parts and told me 'your body wants it' because I got wet. I was confused since I'd never been in a relationship before. I only knew I didn't like what was happening. Later, I learned that getting wet means feeling turned on. I was angry with my body for reacting that way when I couldn't control it. Was it my fault? I also froze and silently cried without screaming or running away, which meant there were no marks on my body to prove what happened. I sometimes wish I had injuries so people would believe I truly didn't want any of it.

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Meaning Making

Today I learned what COCSA is and it made me remember childhood experiences. Around age 5, I was exposed to sexual content and activity involving my stepfather and mother. In elementary school (ages 8-9), my friend and I began exploring sexual topics together. We talked about sex, watched pornography, and engaged in sexual behaviors including masturbating in front of each other and exploring our bodies. I became preoccupied with sexuality, felt shame, and sometimes lied about sexual experiences to seem "cool." I'm now almost 19 with a high libido and other issues from childhood. Was what happened between me and my friend COCSA? What happened to me? I feel like I'm overreacting but have no one to talk to about this.

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Meaning Making

Is it considered Child-on-Child Sexual Abuse (COCSA) if it involved kissing at ages 7-9? When visiting a relative, their daughter my age initiated a "game" that involved kissing on multiple occasions when we were alone. While I didn't stop her and engaged somewhat, I declined when she suggested removing clothing. Another child also kissed me unexpectedly in a closet, and I engaged back. Is this considered COCSA if I somewhat knew what was happening and participated?

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Understanding Trauma & Violence

When I was 10 years old, my cousin who was 6 months old, had just learned how to stick his tongue out. While we were playing, I touched the tip of my tongue to his. I believe this was out of curiosity or just being a weird kid, potentially intrigued by what a tongue felt like. This was never something sexual, but I feel terrible guilt and shame about it. Please help or give your advice?

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Managing Trauma Impact

I feel guilty for having flashbacks and panic attacks like I should be over it by now. I'll encounter a reminder that leads to an episode but I keep believing I'm responsible for letting it become a full panic attack. I minimize my experience and belittle myself for reacting when I'm supposed to be fine. I've gotten negative feedback from sharing my sexual assault and that insinuates I responded wrongly and am healing sub-par. How can I have grace towards myself? Can you help me identify the thought patterns as to why I might put all responsibility on me? Why do I resist letting it hurt?

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Understanding Trauma & Violence

I'm not sure if my cousin crossed boundaries or if I'm reading too much into it. I (22f) met my first cousin (25m) for the first time two days ago. Yesterday we went out for dinner (his treat), then went back to his hotel room in the city. We were chatting and watching videos on the bed when he started playfully trying to take my vape, easily pinning my arms with one hand. After that, I became uncomfortable as he positioned himself very close behind me with his beard touching my neck and his hand on my waist. Despite my discomfort, he repeatedly asked for cuddles, which I declined. He continued putting his hand on my waist, hip, and thigh, squeezing my thigh and running his hand up to my ribs. I moved his hand away several times but didn't explicitly say stop. Eventually, I pretended to fall asleep until he left me alone. Am I overreacting to this situation? I've never had cousins before and don't know if I'm making this a big deal for no reason.

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Seeking Help After Trauma

When I was young, around 7 or 8, a peer at a holiday program initiated sexual activity with me. I believe he was mimicking pornography he'd seen. We engaged in various inappropriate acts including undressing and other intimate behaviors. Later, around age 10-11, my best friend introduced me to sexual topics which we treated like a game, eventually leading to sexual activity during sleepovers that was mutual but made me uncomfortable. Since then I've had a high libido that I don't always enjoy. I understand the significance of sex now and regret these experiences. Is it fair to consider these instances child-on-child sexual assault when we might both have been victims? Or was it just immaturity and experiences I now regret? I haven't told anyone because I'm unsure if it affects me enough to warrant discussion, and I worry about burdening my mother who already helps with my mental health struggles.

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Meaning Making

I'm not sure what to think about my experience with my older sister. When my sister "Sam" and I were younger, our older sister (3 years older than Sam, 5 years older than me) would hit us, demean us, call us names, yell about our clothing choices, and intervene in my dad's parenting. She gave me almost no privacy, especially when I started dating. What's bothering me most is that she would regularly smack our behinds, even after we asked her to stop, and would make inappropriate comments about our bodies like "you have a ghetto booty" or tell Sam "there's nothing there." This went on for years. In one fight, she said something disturbing: "you hated me since you were a baby, you would cry every time I stood next to your crib." That comment bothers me deeply now that I realize angry people aren't always right. I don't want her around my partner's kids or even around me. She's less angry now but only recently stopped making "jokes" at my expense after I finally set boundaries. I don't know what to do with this person or how to process these experiences. Did she cross a line?

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Understanding Trauma & Violence

When I was 6 years old, I had an experience where an older girl (10) and her brother (8) coerced me into performing oral sex on the boy in exchange for pets from their pond. I remember freezing, feeling uncomfortable, and later my mother finding out, being upset, and confronting them. Over 20 years later, I still struggle with vaginismus, anxiety around sex and intimacy, and 'switching off' during intimate moments. I've spent years questioning whether this childhood experience was actually sexual abuse and if it's connected to my ongoing issues. I often invalidate my own experience, wondering if I'm being too sensitive about something that happened so long ago. Could this childhood incident be affecting me as an adult? I don't think I have PTSD as I don't experience flashbacks, but I feel tense and insecure until I can make sense of what happened.

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Meaning Making

When I was 8 years old, my friend introduced me to inappropriate sexual content, including videos of adults kissing and pornography. She asked if we could be "girlfriends," which led to kissing and touching that eventually made me uncomfortable. I told her I wanted to stop, and although she tried to convince me otherwise, I maintained my boundaries and we never did those things again. We're still good friends today, but I wonder if this childhood experience affected me. I struggled with porn use until after high school, and thinking about these memories still makes me uncomfortable. Is what happened a normal childhood experience, or could it have impacted me in ways I should address?

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Seeking Help After Trauma

After being assaulted, the person who harmed me continued making advances for months. When I finally declined, he said I made him feel worthless and now ignores me daily. I have an emotional attachment to him, feel guilty, and want to apologize. I'm struggling with sleep and appetite, and seeing him daily is excruciating. How do I cope?

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Meaning Making

I believe I experienced COCSA (child-on-child sexual abuse) by my sister when I was around 5-6 years old. My memories aren't very clear, but I've recently started remembering some of it. For almost two years now, I've been feeling worthless and having thoughts about not wanting to be here anymore. I tell myself I'm stupid, that I'm overthinking the abuse and it wasn't serious, that I'm just seeking attention. Could these feelings be connected to the abuse? I struggled to admit it was COCSA. Do I actually need to see a therapist, or am I being dramatic? Could it just be hormones or academic stress? I've found myself in moments where I consider harmful behaviors before stopping myself. I worry I'm going crazy. I've noticed people who see therapists have experienced serious crises or lost someone, which makes me question if my situation warrants therapy. Even when I do well in my studies, these negative thoughts persist. What should I do?

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Seeking Help After Trauma

I can't find resources on child-on-child incestuous behaviors without a strict victim/abuser dynamic. My cousin and I were the same age, and while he brought it up first, there was no coercion. I just want to understand why I feel this way and how to heal. It's been almost five years, but I still feel obsessively ashamed and disgusted with myself. What can I do?

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Seeking Help After Trauma

I'm struggling with intrusive thoughts that I may be a perpetrator of COCSA. I have OCD and am waiting for therapy. When I was 11-12, my best friend (9-10) and I engaged in sexual exploration after watching videos online. She initiated a kiss, and I showed her pornography I'd discovered at age 9. Later she asked if we could have "sex" which involved touching over clothes and kissing. She would masturbate near me, and I asked her to teach me but she declined, which I respected. This continued until her mother discovered what we were watching online. At 13, another incident occurred with a female friend on a school trip. After discussing masturbation, I ended up rubbing her over her clothes. I asked to go further, she declined, and I stopped. She was scrolling on her phone during this, which makes me feel I shouldn't have done it. I'm terrified they might accuse me of sexual assault. I genuinely didn't see my first friend as younger - we felt developmentally similar. I need help understanding if what happened was sexual assault.

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Meaning Making

When I was a child (7-10), an older relative (2 years older) engaged in sexual acts with me. I didn't fully understand what was happening and thought it was just a game. This occurred multiple times, and I believe I went along with it. I'm struggling to determine if this was sexual assault. I think she knew what she was doing was wrong, but I also participated. Recently these memories have been causing me anxiety, especially since I see this person almost daily and they used to direct their anger toward me. Was this sexual assault? How do I handle this now that we're adults? Do I have the right to feel violated and angry?

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Seeking Help After Trauma

I've had a burning question for a long time about possible child-on-child sexual abuse (COCSA) and I hope you can help. In the 3rd grade I was sitting next to my friend who is a boy and he was touching me in my private area, I was clothed. I didn't tell him to stop and I insisted he kept going and he seemed like he didn't want to. The next day I woke up crying and my mom told my teacher about it. To this day I still think it's my fault and I hold a deep guilt with it. I've always hoped that it wasn't my fault and that we were both young and confused. What do you think?

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Seeking Help After Trauma

Are there certified therapists who specialize in helping survivors of grooming and sexual abuse/violence? I've been trying to find someone who can help me make sense of my trauma from experiences that happened when I was a preteen/teen. I also need help understanding my own role in what happened. The whole thing feels painful and complex, and I'm honestly scared of what I might learn beyond what I already know.

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Meaning Making

In the case of child-on-child sexual abuse (COCSA), if both children are the same age but one has a social impairment (in my case, autism and a communication disorder), would that create a power imbalance?

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