Question

I was sexually groomed and abused for years as a child. Now, as an adult, I frequently have sexual fantasies about being raped, even though I know I wouldn't actually want it to happen. I've been married for 21 years to a loving, understanding husband who knows about my past trauma. However, I only find sex with him truly exciting when it feels 'wrong' or forbidden. I'm rarely turned on by my husband's loving and trauma-aware approach, though I've never told him about my fantasies. I feel like something is broken in my mind and I want to understand and fix it. Can you explain why I'm struggling with this?

Answer

First and foremost, I want to assure you that you are not broken. Your experiences and feelings, while distressing to you, are actually quite common among survivors of childhood sexual abuse and grooming. What you're describing is a complex response to trauma that many survivors grapple with.

The fantasies and arousal patterns you're experiencing are often your mind's way of trying to process and gain control over past trauma. When abuse occurs during formative years, it can shape our understanding of sexuality and arousal in ways that can feel confusing or distressing later in life. The association between sex and 'wrongness' or danger was formed during your abuse, and now your brain has linked those feelings with sexual arousal.

Many survivors of sexual trauma find that BDSM (Bondage, Discipline, Dominance, Submission, Sadism, and Masochism) practices can be a helpful way to engage with these complex feelings in a safe, controlled environment. BDSM, when practiced ethically with full consent and clear boundaries, allows individuals to explore power dynamics and intense sensations in a context where they have control and can stop at any time. For some survivors, this can be a way to reclaim their sexuality and work through trauma responses.

It's important to understand that engaging in BDSM or having these fantasies doesn't mean you actually want to be assaulted, nor do they diminish the trauma you experienced. They can be a coping mechanism and a way for your mind to revisit the trauma in a controlled setting where you have power over the narrative.

The struggle with intimacy in your marriage is also a common experience for survivors. The safety and love your husband provides, while wonderful, doesn't align with the arousal patterns your brain formed in response to trauma. This disconnect can be frustrating and painful, but it doesn't mean you don't love or desire your husband.

Please know that you're not alone in this struggle, and there are ways to work through these issues. Therapy with a professional who specializes in sexual trauma can be incredibly helpful. They can help you understand these responses, work through the trauma, and develop healthier associations with sex and intimacy. Some therapists are also kink-aware and can provide guidance on safely exploring BDSM if that's something you're interested in.

Consider talking to your husband about your struggles. Open communication can help you both navigate this together and possibly find ways to introduce elements of excitement that work for both of you while maintaining trust and safety.

Remember, healing is a journey, and you've already shown immense strength by recognizing and wanting to address these issues. Be patient and kind to yourself as you work through this. With time and support, it's possible to develop a fulfilling and healthy sex life that aligns with your values and desires. Thank you so much for reaching out to us. You are not alone