Question

On a first date, I agreed to meet at the guy's apartment before going out to eat. We ended up watching a movie, during which he repeatedly touched me inappropriately despite my moving his hand away. He used emotional manipulation, saying his love language was physical touch and that my anxiety was making him anxious. When I reminded him I didn't want sex yet, he got upset and yelled. Later, he called me to his room, got on top of me, and had sex with me without clear consent. I froze during the act. I'm struggling with feelings of shame, guilt, and self-blame. Was this sexual coercion? How can I process these feelings and the belief that I should have done things differently?

Answer

Thank you for trusting us with your story. I'm deeply sorry you experienced this traumatic situation. What happened to you certainly sounds sexual coercion and maybe even assault, although only you can label your experiences.

I want to start by saying this was not your fault. Your date's behavior - repeatedly touching you without consent, using emotional manipulation about his "love language" and your anxiety, getting angry when you expressed not wanting sex, pressuring you into his bedroom, and ultimately engaging in sexual activity without your clear consent - all sound like abusive and coercive tactics.

Sexual coercion involves pressuring or manipulating someone into sexual activity they don't want. This can include emotional manipulation, guilt-tripping, verbal pressure, or creating a situation where saying "no" feels impossible. In your case, the perpetrator used multiple coercive tactics. Coercion negates consent - even if someone eventually gives in due to pressure, it's not true consent, which must be freely and enthusiastically given.

The fact that you froze during the act sounds like a common trauma response called tonic immobility and does not imply consent in any way. Freezing is an involuntary survival mechanism where the body essentially shuts down, leaving a person unable to move, speak, or resist. This is not a conscious choice, but rather an automatic neurobiological response to extreme stress or fear. Many survivors experience this and later feel guilty for not fighting back or saying no more forcefully. However, freezing is a valid and natural response to trauma.

It's very common for survivors to feel shame, guilt, and self-blame, but please know that you are not responsible for what happened. Self-blame is extremely common among survivors of sexual assault and coercion for various reasons, including societal victim-blaming attitudes, attempts to regain a sense of control, and difficulty reconciling that someone you trusted could betray you. However, it's crucial to understand that self-blame, while common, is misplaced. You didn't do anything wrong by agreeing to meet at his apartment or watching a movie. These are normal dating activities and do not give anyone the right to ignore your boundaries or assault you. The only person at fault is the person who harmed you--who chose to violate your clearly communicated boundaries.

To help process these difficult feelings, consider speaking with a therapist specializing in sexual trauma. They can be incredibly helpful in working through complex emotions and misplaced self-blame. Reaching out to trusted friends, family, or a sexual assault helpline for support can also be beneficial. Remember to be gentle with yourself as you heal - this process takes time. 

Your worth is not diminished by this experience, and you deserve support, respect, and healing. Remember, you're not alone in this, and what happened was absolutely not your fault. Healing is possible, and it's okay to be patient with yourself as you navigate this difficult journey. Thank you for reaching out. You are not alone.