A letter to myself, to him and to you
Dear, What’s it like not knowing? What's it like not knowing all that you’ve done? I want to remember what it's like. All I know now is what you have done. All I know is how to feel this emptiness that came with the full feeling of dread and hollowness. What’s it like not knowing? I want to know. I want to ask. Do you really not know? Where you smart enough to figure it out? Are you still living in denial like I was? Are you in full realization and just don’t care? Or do you just not know or care to think about it. I don’t want to think about it but I have no choice. You gave me no choice. You gave me no chance that morning and you gave me no choice everyday this last year. Ever since I put it together with the help of the psychologist on the phone. Who told me you raped me. Who has to tell me that I in fact had my choice taken from me. What’s it like not knowing you’ve done that? I want to know. I want to remember. Tell me what it's like. I want to know. I want to remember. And I can lie to myself. Say that I live in your head like you live in mine but I know it's not true. You don't think about me at all. That's your choice. I have no choice. You gave me no choice. What is it like having a choice? What is it like to not care enough to know you have a choice and that you took someone else's away? What is it like? Tell me. Tell me. I can't ask.I can't ask you what it's like. I don’t have the choice. I have no choice to ask. I have no choice to ask if you remember. If you know. If you care. If you choose. You do. Tell me. Tell me. Tell me. Choose to tell me. I want to know. What is it like for you? What is it like not knowing that you live in my head? That you won't leave. Tell me. What is it like not knowing that you ruined a year of my life and threaten to ruin more. Tell me. What is it like? I want to know. I want to remember.
A week later
February 26th- It's just another day
Today is a year since I had called the sexual assault hotline. Yesterday I saw him. I was driving to an event and passed him at a roundabout. 6 months ago this happened and I was emotionally upset after the occurrence. Yesterday, I was dumbfounded. Out of all the weekends it had to be the one a year ago I was crying on the phone with a professional telling me I was sexually assaulted. Out of all the days... it was hilarious! The universe has great timing every now and then. Today is the exact day, and it feels like any other. My body feels more twitchy and I have some disassociation but my emotions are stable and so am I. I saw him and I did not cry. I saw him and my day wasn't ruined. Even though I saw him. my weekend and my life have not changed. That power has not been granted. The only thing that I would've changed is that I wished that I would have flipped him off as I drove past his car and see the look on his face. But then again, why even grant him that power. He's not worth the energy it even takes to bring my hand off the wheel. I know I will have bad days. I may submit this update and have a complete breakdown, but the last 48 hours have been another reminder that I am changing and I am able focus on other aspects of my life. It has reminded me that I am healing And I will continue to do so everyday, no matter what day it is I will heal
4 months later
Dating life looks different
One thing that I constantly forget is how my experience affects the prospect of new relationships. My experience caused me to act in ways that I never wished for myself to do. I was dependent. I was insecure. I was obsessed. Now with every new date and with every new talking stage, those behaviors begin to build back up. I went on a date. A single date with a man. This man is great. He is cute. He is funny. He is intresting. And he has no idea. He has no idea that I don't think he has any intrest in seeing me again. He has no idea that I am irrationally afraid of making a fool out of myself. He has no idea that I have been obsessing over the fact that we don't have a secure time for a second date. He has no idea that I think that this will all end badly. And in a way, that is good. I have talked to friends about my feelings. God knows I have thought about them enough. But, I have not pestered or over expressed my fears to him; we only just met, he does not deserve to be overwhelmed with a strangers thoughts. This trust will be created after we talk more. I need to know that even if this man is not for me, it is not my fault and that I am not doomed to spend my life alone. I need to be comfortable with rejection and knowing that I still deserve happiness. I need to form this or any new relationship without the aspect of dependency at its core root. This pattern I have created is like an addiction. Every time I use it, it will become more difficult to break. But, if I begin to cut and watch and reduce my usage, one day it may all be in the past. Relapses may occur, but one day it will be easier to control myself. It will be easier to be free.
4 months later
A letter to mi amor and the ghost of my past
Mi amor, Sometimes I wonder if I communicated how badly I was hurt. I wonder if I create things in my head. Are you hurting me? Or am I just hurting myself? Waking up used to be a struggle. I used to forget the first hours of my day. I would block them out. When I used to wake up, that was when my body would be invaded. Sleep would keep me in its hold to better ignore his. Sometimes I wake up with the pressure of your body next to me and I am afraid that it will become the same presence I had before you. Sometimes my mind creates his actions using your form. I want to cry. I want to release all my anger and confusion. But You don't want me to cry. So I try not to. But it only leads to episodes where I can not help but shake with the discomfort I was holding in, spilling and and seeping out of my skin. And you are scared. You don't understand what you did for me to be so upset. You don't understand why I am so afraid of you. I love you, mi amor. I want to express my love to you. I truly do. But I want to give you my passion without any fog surrounding us in our moment. I want it to be just you and me and love. I want to banish his ghost from our bed. His hand can not replace yours. Mi amor, you are the only one that lays next to me at night. I know this. And I want you next to me. Any night. Every night. Only you. You alone. Us alone. Together.