A letter to myself, to him and to you
Dear, What’s it like not knowing? What's it like not knowing all that you’ve done? I want to remember what it's like. All I know now is what you have done. All I know is how to feel this emptiness that came with the full feeling of dread and hollowness. What’s it like not knowing? I want to know. I want to ask. Do you really not know? Where you smart enough to figure it out? Are you still living in denial like I was? Are you in full realization and just don’t care? Or do you just not know or care to think about it. I don’t want to think about it but I have no choice. You gave me no choice. You gave me no chance that morning and you gave me no choice everyday this last year. Ever since I put it together with the help of the psychologist on the phone. Who told me you raped me. Who has to tell me that I in fact had my choice taken from me. What’s it like not knowing you’ve done that? I want to know. I want to remember. Tell me what it's like. I want to know. I want to remember. And I can lie to myself. Say that I live in your head like you live in mine but I know it's not true. You don't think about me at all. That's your choice. I have no choice. You gave me no choice. What is it like having a choice? What is it like to not care enough to know you have a choice and that you took someone else's away? What is it like? Tell me. Tell me. I can't ask.I can't ask you what it's like. I don’t have the choice. I have no choice to ask. I have no choice to ask if you remember. If you know. If you care. If you choose. You do. Tell me. Tell me. Tell me. Choose to tell me. I want to know. What is it like for you? What is it like not knowing that you live in my head? That you won't leave. Tell me. What is it like not knowing that you ruined a year of my life and threaten to ruin more. Tell me. What is it like? I want to know. I want to remember.
A week later
February 26th- It's just another day
Today is a year since I had called the sexual assault hotline. Yesterday I saw him. I was driving to an event and passed him at a roundabout. 6 months ago this happened and I was emotionally upset after the occurrence. Yesterday, I was dumbfounded. Out of all the weekends it had to be the one a year ago I was crying on the phone with a professional telling me I was sexually assaulted. Out of all the days... it was hilarious! The universe has great timing every now and then. Today is the exact day, and it feels like any other. My body feels more twitchy and I have some disassociation but my emotions are stable and so am I. I saw him and I did not cry. I saw him and my day wasn't ruined. Even though I saw him. my weekend and my life have not changed. That power has not been granted. The only thing that I would've changed is that I wished that I would have flipped him off as I drove past his car and see the look on his face. But then again, why even grant him that power. He's not worth the energy it even takes to bring my hand off the wheel. I know I will have bad days. I may submit this update and have a complete breakdown, but the last 48 hours have been another reminder that I am changing and I am able focus on other aspects of my life. It has reminded me that I am healing And I will continue to do so everyday, no matter what day it is I will heal