My life should have been a life of happiness and peace, but oooh how the tables turned. I was an easy going, fun loving, creative, individual who has talents beyond my time. For the most part my life was lived as a typical middle class, every day average Jane. Who had dreams that were all reachable. It started at the age 25, where I met a handsome man that in my eyes was every woman's dream. But ooh my, my I didn't know this was the beginning of a very harsh reality check and the beginning of major changes in my life. We had a quick and fast romance story, fell in love, out of love an in love again. He was my rock and I was his motivating force, until he changed totally on me and became a habitual cheater. His cheating lasted for many years and he eventually met a faith that he too thought, he was untouchable. But being who he was and how care-free he was in his cheating activities, this faith wouldn't have passed him. The sudden faith that landed him to contact a std, to which no one ever wants. But I on the other hand was living my dream of having a husband and kids, with taking care of all their needs an leaving myself undone. Yes you may have an idea so far where this story is going, but I didn't know I would become a victim to my husband. He had the most perfect plan with the cruelest intention. Lets go back a little, yes I was acting like a wife but I was just living in a common- law situation. To which his plans was perfectly executed, he knew, I had little knowledge about his "outside activities " and my greatest desire at the time was to be his wife. And that was his perfect plan to get me, he would avoid being in d same home, or country with me. Often repeatedly saying he's coming on our wedding day, in which I would smile and think nothing of it. I took us roughly 1 week to organize everything, too have a quick and fast wedding. Me not knowing that in my tries of joy there would be sadness on d corner. I got married..had a beautiful harmonious day, fun after fun. Till one day I began feel strange and had to be taken to the doctor, in which multiple test was done. Everything came out ok, but this one result hit me on my chest hard, as if I was out in the rain being hit on my chest repeatedly. I sat in that room alone to my right nothing or no one and to the left nothing or no one, the doctor that stood in front of me became invisible. But my husband was gone again, back to keep away from home and the country of which we stayed. Every little piece of his actions from the most biggest to the smallest came flooding in my head as one slide to the next and it all became clear. I ran out of the room in tears to hide and called him, as he heard me he began to cry and repeatedly say sorry, sorry, sorry. But this man wasn't totally sorry he told me he's going to book a flight an he would be on his way. He came, he hold me, I asked questions he answered, but my biggest shock was when I heard these words, "I didn't want to lose you". His logic for making me his victim was justified with not losing me, my life was weighted on not losing me. The deed was done and I became the walk over troll, I felt as a prisoner in head, life, body and to him. The cheating continued, I tried to protect others,but he would make me seem to be bitter and a liar. I had became a victim to multi forms of abuse, he made a baby outside of the marriage an my kids became as nothing to him as I was. I got verbally abused by his newly baby mother and often called a liar when I tried to warn her, but in all I served.

Firstly I would like to apologize for my grammatical errors, I honestly didn't read my story I just wrote it and sent it off. But I hope that whoever read it understood it. Now for my update, life have been " life-in". I've been dealing with my son who is the middle child, who I'm clearly seeing him struggle with all that has been going on. He often asks or says, " mom I want you to be with dad," if he could really understand, I wonder would he have ever said that???? Hmmmmm. He started to see a councilor to help him workout what ever that is bothering him and I see positive changes in him. I looked at him and I pray everyday that he *1. Makes a difference in being a better man, friend, companion and father. *2 Be honest to himself and others. *3 Pursue whatever dreams he has for himself and never, absolutely never give up on himself. But I believe with all my faith, strength and hope, this won't get him down or take anything from him. I still have my daily struggles with my mind, it's like a revolving door of clips that keeps playing in my head time and time again. But I keep reminding myself, " you got this, I'm in controlled of my mind." As easy as it may seem the mind is a mystical life source of its own, that often-times get the best out of us. It requires us to have the strength to be able to put a strong grip on it. My husband still wants to continue a marriage, to which I see no grounds to, because on the other hand he keeps on telling his girlfriend different stories. In which she often believes, e.g she thinks that I'm the one holding him to a marriage and that's waaaaaaaay off course. I tried to stand up and take the steps to stand up for myself in my situation, but I know the person who would feel it more would be my kids. To some it may sound stupid but I see my kids struggle to form a bond with him and I don't want to deprive, hurt or take his " freedom" and not truly study, the effects on my kids. But ooooh lord, I really would like to just stand up for myself and let the law deal with him. Not because I'm a mad "jane" or spiteful person, it's just to be able to free myself, knowing I stood up and I fought for me. But I know daily the deed has been done and at this point I choose my kids, not for him or nobody, but for them. They are my most prized possessions, I would hold my faith inside 🙏 pray and I know one great day the lord would do the rest. Nothing happens before its time. My days are long, my nights are longer, I'm thankful daily that I choose to start taking the pills and give myself a chance. Lol, I fought taking these pills daily..lol...I used to say "wtf I have to be doing this, I'm not going to do this ssssss#it..." so on and so on. Taking these pills is for me and for my kids, they need me as much as I need them ❤️. I may not be the best person to leave a food for thought but I still would like to. Sometimes things happen to us that makes life harder for us to cope, but when you truly find your way, there is something beautiful that's going to happen, it's up to you not to give up on yourself and keep trying. ❤️ You got this. I got this. We all got this.

It's been a while since I've updated, but here goes. I've been on my journey of self healing, loving life and making the best of what I have and loving every inch of my "fat and sexilious" self. Dancing to my own music in my head, taking every day one day at a time. But boy oooooh boy, how life has to throw you some rocks. This new confidence I got was commanded to a room, " stage," I entered. Inwhich my " husband " began to notice my don't give a damn to what him or anyone has to say about me. We had to be in the same environment to support our son, but after 1 day, 2 days, it became to much for me. He began with his pretty speech of wanting his " family," to even complimenting. Which made me confused as to the man I was with for so many year, who treated me as if I was disposable. Suddenly saw me, what he didn't realize that I wasn't about to be trapped by his loved bomb activities. Every move I make he there, the pressure came to much. I had the biggest outburst I ever had in a very, very long time. I remembered every hurt, every feeling I felt when I found out about my status and every little thing he used to say to me. I said everything to the most harsh and loud way I knew how to, at the time. I cried, I shouted, I cried again, and as time went by it seemed that all I was saying was falling on deaf ears. This man even start to tell me, " that he told her he coming to spend time with his family, so don't call text etc," I sat in silence, not because I wanted to hear him. But I couldn't believe, that I was head over heels with this man. As to really questioning myself, as to how? He keep going deeper and deeper into his wants, his family is best for him, but no matter what I said it wasn't good enough or we need to try. MISTER MAN...NOOOO EH. This new found confidence was hitting this man, as to continue with his trapping process. The only thing that I felt bad about, was the fact that I outbursted. Mainly because he doesn't deserve any reaction from me.