Pregunta

My sister is three years older than me and would constantly touch me inappropriately, tell me she wanted to have sex with me, and engage in other sexual behaviors that I'm not comfortable sharing. She treated me exactly like she treats her boyfriend now, but I never consented and repeatedly rejected her advances. I understand that in COCSA (child-on-child sexual abuse) situations, both children are often considered victims, but I don't want to share that label with her. Why does she seem to be let off by the system? It doesn't feel fair. I believe she would have behaved this way regardless of our age difference or power imbalance. We both had our own traumas, and I'm certain this was how she coped, but she didn't have to do that to me. Is she still just a victim? Can't she be both a victim and an aggressor? The thought of her being considered a good person disgusts me.

Respuesta

Thank you for sharing this difficult and personal experience. Your feelings are valid, and it's understandable that you're struggling with these complex emotions. You're right that COCSA situations are complicated, and it's important to acknowledge that your sister's actions were abusive and harmful to you, regardless of her own potential victimhood. 

It's entirely possible for someone to be both a victim and an aggressor. Your sister may have been acting out her own trauma, but that doesn't excuse or justify her actions towards you. She is responsible for the harm she caused, even if she was also dealing with her own issues. The repeated nature of her actions, your lack of consent, and the power imbalance due to the age difference all point to this being abusive behavior. You have the right to characterize your experience in whatever way feels appropriate for your situation.

The idea that "both children are victims" in COCSA situations doesn't mean that the initiating child isn't responsible for their actions or that their behavior wasn't harmful. It's an acknowledgment that children who act out sexually are often dealing with their own trauma or inappropriate exposures.

Your feelings of anger and disgust towards your sister are completely valid. What she did to you was harmful and abusive, regardless of her age or her own potential traumas. It's natural and appropriate to feel angry, disgusted, or any other strong emotion about her actions. Society often pressures victims to forgive or to see the humanity in their abusers, but this might not be necessary for your healing process. You are not obligated to view your sister as a "good person" or to forgive her for the harm she caused you. Your healing journey is your own, and it doesn't have to include reconciliation or empathy for your sister if you're not comfortable with that. Healing can involve acknowledging the harm done to you, processing your emotions, and learning to cope with the effects of the abuse, all without requiring you to change your feelings about your sister.

Regarding the legal and mental health approach to these situations...

The focus on rehabilitation rather than punishment for young offenders is based on research showing that children's brains are still developing, and that punitive measures often don't prevent future offenses as effectively as rehabilitation does. The goal is to stop the harmful behavior and prevent future victims. However, this approach can feel deeply unfair to victims like yourself. It might seem like the system is excusing the behavior or not taking it seriously enough.

Your frustration with this is completely understandable. It can feel like your pain is being dismissed or that justice isn't being served. It's important to recognize that this approach isn't meant to invalidate your experiences or suffering, but rather to address the root causes of the behavior. Nonetheless, your feelings of anger or injustice about this are valid, and it's okay to feel frustrated with a system that might not seem to adequately address the harm done to you.

Remember, regardless of how the system treats your sister or other young offenders, your experiences and feelings are valid. You deserve support and care as you navigate your healing process, independent of what happens with your sister.

It's important to focus on your own healing and well-being. Consider seeking support from a therapist who specializes in childhood sexual abuse. They can help you process your feelings and experiences without requiring you to empathize with or forgive your sister if you're not ready or willing to do so.

Remember, acknowledging the complexity of the situation doesn't mean excusing your sister's actions or diminishing your pain; your feelings and experiences are valid, and you deserve support and understanding as you work through this. Thank you so much for reaching out to us. You are not alone.