Question

I experienced sexual harassment and unwanted touching from someone I initially thought was a friend. This went on for over a year before it stopped. It's now been 2 years, but I still struggle with intense feelings of guilt, shame, and stress when triggered by memories of what happened. I'm in therapy and on medication to help manage my emotions, but I'm looking for additional ways to work through these difficult feelings. How can I internalize that I have nothing to be ashamed of and shouldn't feel guilty for what happened to me?

Answer

Thank you for sharing your experience and seeking support. It takes courage to speak about these difficult feelings. The guilt and shame you're experiencing are common reactions to sexual harassment and harm, but it's crucial to understand that these emotions don't reflect any fault on your part. They are natural responses to a traumatic experience.

Your situation - being repeatedly touched and harassed over a year by someone you initially thought was a friend - is deeply violating. It's entirely understandable that you're still processing these emotions two years later. Trauma doesn't have an expiration date, and your feelings are valid no matter how much time has passed.

Many survivors question their own actions, wondering if they could have done something to prevent the harassment. This self-doubt often leads to misplaced guilt. Society's tendency to victim-blame can exacerbate these feelings, causing survivors to internalize harmful messages suggesting they were somehow responsible. It's crucial to recognize that these societal messages are wrong and don't reflect the truth of your experience. You did nothing to deserve what happened to you, and your reactions during and after the abuse were valid survival responses.

Shame often arises from a sense of violation and powerlessness. You might feel ashamed of your body's involuntary reactions during the abuse or for not being able to stop the harassment sooner. The secrecy often surrounding sexual abuse can intensify feelings of shame, as if the experience is something to hide. These are profound and distressing experiences that can deeply affect how we see ourselves. It's understandable if you're having trouble reconciling these feelings.

Your healing journey is unique to you, and there's no set timeline for recovery. It's normal to have good days and bad days. The path to healing isn't linear, and setbacks are a common part of the process. The fact that you're still experiencing stress and triggers two years later doesn't mean you're failing at recovery - it means you're human and processing significant trauma.

To help combat negative internal dialogue, consider these strategies:

1. Recognize and name your thoughts: When feelings of guilt or shame arise, pause and identify them. Simply acknowledging "This is shame talking" can create some distance between you and the emotion.

2. Challenge your inner critic: When you catch yourself thinking self-blaming thoughts, actively question them. Ask yourself, "Would I say this to a friend in my situation?" If not, try to reframe the thought more compassionately.

3. Use positive affirmations: Develop a list of truthful, empowering statements about yourself and the situation. Examples might include "I am not responsible for someone else's actions" or "I deserve respect and kindness." Repeat these regularly, especially when negative thoughts arise.

4. Practice self-compassion: This might involve writing a letter to yourself from the perspective of a loving friend, or simply placing a hand over your heart and offering yourself words of comfort when you're feeling distressed.

5. Educate yourself about trauma responses: Understanding common reactions to trauma can help normalize your experiences and reduce self-blame. Remember, there's no "right" way to respond to or recover from abuse.

6. Seek external validation: Sometimes it's hard to believe positive things about ourselves. Talking with a therapist, trusted friend, or support group can provide external perspectives to counter your inner critic.

It's commendable that you're already in therapy and taking medication to help manage your moods. These are significant steps in your healing journey. Consider exploring specific trauma-informed therapies like EMDR or somatic experiencing, which can be particularly helpful for processing traumatic memories and sensations. You might also benefit from joining a support group for survivors, as many find it helpful to connect with others who have had similar experiences. This can help combat feelings of isolation and provide additional perspectives on healing.

Remember, healing is possible, even when it doesn't feel that way. The stress you feel when triggered is a normal response to trauma, not a sign of weakness. Be patient with yourself and know that you're not alone in this process. Your resilience in seeking help, continuing with therapy, and working through these difficult emotions is truly remarkable.

Your feelings are valid, but they don't define your worth or the truth of your experience. With time, support, and continued effort, it is possible to develop a more compassionate relationship with yourself and find peace. Thank you for trusting us with this. You are not alone.