Question

I experienced a sexual situation with my cousin when I was 8 and she was around 12. At the time, I didn't feel affected by it, but now that I'm older, it's impacting me. I'm unsure how to process this, considering our ages at the time and her possible awareness of her actions. How can I understand and cope with these complex feelings?

Answer

Thank you for sharing this difficult experience. It's completely normal for feelings about childhood experiences to change as we grow older. Our ability to process and understand events evolves with time, and something that didn't seem significant then may carry more weight now.

Regarding the ages involved, it's crucial to understand that at 8 years old, you were not capable of giving informed consent to sexual activities. Your cousin, at 12, was also a child, although older. This situation falls into a complex area where both children involved are typically considered to have been potentially impacted by the experience, as neither had the full maturity to understand or consent to sexual actions. The question of your cousin's awareness is complex. While a 12-year-old might have more knowledge than an 8-year-old, they are still a child and may not fully comprehend the implications or consequences of sexual behaviors. This doesn't excuse any harm caused, but it's a factor to consider when processing the event.

To understand and cope with these feelings, it's important to acknowledge that whatever you're feeling - confusion, anger, sadness, or anything else - is valid. Seeking professional support from a trauma-informed therapist specializing in childhood sexual experiences can provide valuable guidance and additional processing. You do not need to go through this alone.

Be patient with yourself. Healing is a process, and it's okay if it takes time. Try to avoid self-blame, remembering that as a child, you were not responsible for what happened. Only you can define your experiences and decide how to categorize them. There's no "right" way to feel about this situation. Your focus should be on your well-being and healing, whatever form that takes for you.  Thank you for trusting us with this. You are not alone.