Question

I'm trying to understand a past experience where I felt pressured into intimate activities. The person didn't use physical force or explicit threats, but I felt unable to refuse. They persisted despite my hesitation, using subtle pressure and ignoring my attempts to express discomfort. I liked this person and tried to convince myself their actions were okay because they weren't overtly aggressive. However, I felt intimidated and unable to effectively communicate or enforce my boundaries. Is this considered a form of coercion, even though the pressure was more emotional and mental rather than physical? I'm struggling to categorize this experience and would appreciate some insight. How do we define coercion when it's not overtly forceful but still results in unwanted activities?

Answer

Thank you for sharing this experience. It takes courage to reflect on and seek understanding about such a difficult situation. Yes, what you're describing can indeed be considered a form of coercion, even though it wasn't physically forceful.

Coercion in intimate situations can take many forms, including emotional and mental pressure. The key elements here are that you felt unable to refuse despite wanting to, your attempts to express discomfort were ignored, you felt pressured and intimidated, and the other person persisted despite your hesitation. These are all indicators of coercion. Consent should be enthusiastic, ongoing, and freely given. In this situation, it sounds like your ability to give true consent was compromised by the pressure you felt.

It's common for people to struggle with categorizing experiences like this, especially when there wasn't overt violence or explicit threats. Our cultural narratives often focus on physical force as the only form of coercion, but this isn't accurate. Subtle pressure, persistence in the face of hesitation, and ignoring attempts to express discomfort are all forms of coercion. It's also important to note that liking the person or trying to convince yourself it was okay doesn't negate the coercive nature of the situation. Many people have complex feelings about those who have violated their boundaries, especially if it's someone they cared about.

Your difficulty in communicating or enforcing boundaries in that moment is a normal response to a stressful situation. It doesn't mean you're at fault or that you didn't try hard enough. Many people freeze or find it hard to speak up in such situations due to fear, shock, or confusion.

Moving forward, it might be helpful to recognize that your feelings about this experience are valid. Be gentle with yourself as you process this. Consider speaking with a trauma-informed therapist who can help you work through your feelings about this experience. Remember that you're not alone - many people have had similar experiences and struggled to categorize them.  Your well-being is important, and seeking understanding is a significant step in that journey. Thank you for reaching out to us. We appreciate your trust.