This Bluejay Is Moving
I was pretty young, I was a preteen and I didn't realize why what i was doing was wrong. I knew it was wrong because it was sex, but I didn't know that it was wrong because I was a kid and kids can't consent. Not that young. I thought my mom would be mad because you're not supposed to have sex, I didn't even realize that it was...traumatizing? I'd call it stat rape but I definitely regret it now even if I 'consented' to things I didn't even understand. I feel like I fucked up, but I was a kid and I thought that everyone has sex, and that it's normal. But you aren't supposed to do that yet, I didn't know i wasn't supposed to have sex that young because its damaging. I thought it was just another thing that adult's didn't want you to do, like have cookies or slide down banisters and I was so so young. I'm going through the process of realizing what happened and processing that. I. I don't think it's my fault. I wouldn't blame the kids if they came to me, it's not on them, it's not their fault. So why would it be my fault either? but that's still hard. Its a difficult thing to reckon with. It's become more viscerally real to me since someone kissed me without asking, and I just...can't let it go, and it sucks.