I am 23 year old female . I grew up in a Caribbean household being the youngest child out of 3. My mom was a single mom caring for me , my older brother , & older sister. I was living in New York City till I was about 4 years old. There were some times when I was alone with my brother for even a bit of time like my sister being in another room. My brother would try to put his penis in my anal and it would hurt me. It was never the whole thing and it was always in doggy position. I would remember my butt being in pain for a few minutes then I was okay. I knew something wasn’t right about it. I knew it wasn’t normal especially since he hide and did it. I didn’t understand that much but I do recall telling . I remembering him saying he swears to God and stuff. I didn’t remember everything but I know he later was with his dad. But the next thing I know after that my family moved to GA. Me , my mom , & my sister. I was 5 now and was about to start kindergarten. I was doing okay and tried not to think about it. When I was about 9 my neighbor upstairs had a daughter my age and we became friends. We will call her {~Person 1~} and she had a friend we will call {~Person 2~} who was our age as well. All three of us all hung out and at my house or {~Person 1~}’s house. One day we all went to Dave and Busters with {~Person 1~}’s dad and {~Person 2~}’s big brother who was 13 we will call him {~Name~}. That was my first time seeing him. I thought he was cute but never even looked at him the wrong way I wasn’t fast. I thought every light or brown guy was cute. He was quiet. As time went on me and {~Name~} became close . His sister {~Person 2~} and our friend {~Person 1~} both were kinda mean at times and we would get into it and I would just isolate myself or they would isolate from me to be mean. {~Name~} seen they were gaining up on me sometimes and started being nice to me and hanging with me. He was very nice to me and smart . He taught me cool stuff and told me how smart I was. One day at the pool we were holding hands and going down in the water together then back up and I felt something hard touch my vagina and it kinda hurt. I realized when we got up it was his private area. Now being older I know it was his erect penis that developed while we were playing. He did hold me close to him and I could feel it a lot. I told him that I felt it on my private part and he said oh sorry very calm. Now I know that he knew what he was doing. Later on we all would be around eachother more and more. One day I was about to change out of my bathing suit when he knocked the door and said how his sister and {~Person 1~} were just jealous and mad that I was really nice and smart and not to worry about them that he was there for me. I really cared about him because he was there for me even when I didn’t want to be around the other two. At their house he made sure I always ate he gave me extra if I wanted too. He would let me watch YouTube videos with him on his computer and let me play games with him. He let me be alone with him in his room but the door would always be open. He was my buddy my friend. Even though he was going on 14 and I was going on about 9 or 10 he was just an older kid to me and he understood me. He always complemented me, shared with me and made me feel special. One day we were alone and we started holding hands fingers all in between eachothers. We started hugging for a minute and I felt something was different with us. I felt like I had a secret crush on him but I also felt like he liked me too. later on another night he told me about sex and what a condom was. He showed me what it looked like too. He said I’m to young to do it but when I’m older I could . How it hurts for girls at first then feels good. He told me he had sex which meant he wasn’t a virgin. He explained what a Virgin was too. I didn’t know why or understood why he was telling me about it but I didn’t question him. One night all of us had a sleepover and we all were laying on {~Person 1~}’s dad huge king size bed watching movies. {~Person 1~}’s dad was knocked out on the couch and let us have his room. We had candy popcorn , juices etc. We all had our comfy pajamas on and was enjoying the night. Us girls always had sleep overs but this was our first time with {~Name~}. The apartment had 2 bedrooms and us girls would go play or talk in the second room which had a small twin size bed then go back to watch whatever movie we were watching. A scary movie came on and we all were watching and jumping like kids do. We all laid on our sides and faced the tv . Nobody was close to the next person since we all made space on the bed. I was closet to {~Name~} . He was behind me. The night was normal until he got behind me more and pulled me closer to him. The girls not noticing a thing. My butt my pressed on him and I could feel the hardness again. He started rubbing my stomach and lifting my shirt a bit then I pushed his hand. After a few minutes he grabbed my hand and stroked his penis with it for a short amount of time. I pulled my hand back in confusion. He got up close behind me again and put his hands in my pants I pushed his hand and he put his hand in my panties. I froze then turned around to face him and whispered “ I don’t want to do that!”. He nodded and after a few minutes I got up to go to the second room. {~Person 1~}’s father was still loud asleep. I went to the second room and curled up in the bed. The girls came after a bit and asked if I was okay I just said I didn’t feel too good they stayed with me for a while and went back. I couldn’t really sleep I had alot of thoughts in my head. I knew I didn’t want to go downstairs to my apartment and have to tell me mom and she breaks {~Name~}’s neck and I didn’t want to feel guilty. The morning came & we all ate I went back to my house and I avoided going outside whenever the girls were there. Especially if I looked out the window and saw {~Name~} was there too. I told a friend at school about how {~Name~} put my hand on his manhood and she stared flipping out asking me if I told someone and I said no. She then tried to pull me to go with her to a teacher saying “You have to tell someone! That’s molestation , that’s sexual molestation !!” She said. I quickly said I’m just playing and she asked are you sure then I said yes. She left it alone but I had fear in my eyes and heart. I didn’t know how serious what happened was until she said the name “molestation”. I couldn’t help but wonder what would he have done to me that night if I didn’t go to the next room. I was only in the fourth grade. I was no longer friends with {~Person 1~} or {~Person 2~} which meant no more {~Name~}. And my mom said we were moving to another city I had another fresh start. Fast forward to the 6th grade. My big brother well only brother came to stay with us. He was in his twenties and I was about 12. At this time I did kinda forget about what happened with him when I was so small. When you try to forget something for so long you can actually forget for long enough. You you block trauma out it’s like you didn’t have that memory anymore. I just hit puberty some months before he arrived . Like I said I trauma blocked what happened with him but everything came back to me at 12 when he was around me again because of a dream. But not my dream my sisters dream. She told me and my mom she had a dream that I was laying on the bed with him and she told me don’t even horse play with him or let him touch me any kind of way. I tucked my fear inside . Would he try to touch me again! Around the next year he started acting controlling. He started watching me a lot. He was mad if I wore a skirt or dress or leggings. He would be looking at my butt and say to me or my mom I couldn’t wear it. He would be upset about any boy I would talk to and try to get me in trouble but my mom would say “I should punish her for not being gay ?” He would try to go thru my phone or watch my every move on Facebook. He would pick me up and throw me on the bed and I would get mad and I started hitting him often. Every day when I came from school he would bother me and I just started disliking him a lot. One day he picked me up and threw me on the bed and before he could run I started beating on him and ripped his shirt. I didn’t want him there anymore. Later on I found out guys who act like how he was are usually giving signs of someone who has touched that particular person or wants to. They are usually obsessed and jealous acting. Especially if they they know you like some boy. As time went on I remembered I had a dream that he was on top of me basically doing me and I woke up and was in shock. I tried to keep distance. I always wondered if he ever felt sorry for what he did when k was younger? I did have a lil boyfriend and anytime he tried to touch me on my vagina I stopped him . At that point I didn’t want to be touched I was feeling the memories from my bro and {~Name~} creep up on me. I didn’t want to be touched until it was someone I trusted. At 19 I finally lost my virginity to my first real boyfriend. Someone I trusted. Fast forward to when I was 20 I left home for the first time and would cry alot because I had soooo much trauma built up from over the years. By then I almost got Sexually Assaulted 3 times. Once I’m high school by a boy I was talking to who was my neighbor when I was 15 , second when I was out of town with a friend and we double dated and my date was getting to carried away and I kept telling him to stop when I was 19. , third I was 19 still and I was an older guy who I went on a date with I cried very hard infront of him that I didn’t want to go through that anymore. I cried a lot the 8 months I was on my own. I was trying to become my own person and feel okay by myself. I had a very close friend who was an older female I remember we had a deep conversation one day and I told her about my brother when I was younger and she started crying a lot. She was so shocked especially at how strong I was. I never forget she told me “I was taken advantage off too but I told myself that I will take back my moment of my first time with someone I love and although it won’t be physically it’ll be emotionally”. I hated my family at that time and was wondering to myself that I wasn’t crazy and I did tell on him and did everyone try to just move him to his dads and us to GA to help me forget. Or did they really not help me at all because he still got to be around me. I started being so angry at my mom like why didn’t he get to never see me again. I wondered if my mom or grandma or sister forget what happened. Then I thought did I actually tell them what happened or did I imagine it? At 22 a close friend I had for about 3-4 years had took some advantage of me one night. I didn’t say I wanted to have sex but I didn’t say no . I didn’t really get to say anything and he pulled my pants down and was inside me already. I was trying to see if I was actually enjoying sex or was I in shock. I wasn’t really the same after that and it took me a year to get over . I cried and prayed about it and didn’t want to have any sex . I was celibate and didn’t want to ever talk about it I never spoke to him again even though he tried to reach out to me. I try to push the memory away well trauma block. I just hoped to God no male can ever lay hands on me in a wrongful way again. My mental health was sooo fucked uk over the years due to the constant sexual harassment I was going through. At 23 I’ve healed from every last experience and I completely cut off my brother . I don’t like him as a person and I love my niece who he created but I don’t love him at all. I don’t have a relationship with my brother or sister. Over the years they have both treated me poorly and I was over it and I’m completely healed. But I really hate him for what he did when I was younger. My brain gets fucked uk sometimes because I wonder if I really did tell on him it was I imagining it or did the family sweep it under the rug and think I forgot. One day when my niece gets older and asks why I don’t like her dad I can’t tell her the real reason. I want to ask my mom if I ever told her but I can’t make myself. I rather keep it with me to the grave. I’m just glad I don’t have to consider him my family anymore. As for family some of my cousins were creepy trying to come on to me and one of my uncles who lives with us now I hate him and thinks he’s a perv and creep. He stares at me too long and I want him to just fall over and get badly hurt. At my big age I shouldn’t feel creeped out by any perv. I avoid him at all costs. I’ve been praying he gets his disability money and leaves for good. Once he’s gone I won’t have any male in my life to make me upset or made. My mom told me she was sexually assaulted by a family member when she was younger which is more reason I want to keep my mouth shut. She doesn’t know about any of the things I won’t . I don’t want her to think she failed me. But going through therapy and finding love I my life I finally feel free writing this. I have a healthy relationship and sex life. Everything will be okay and if I try hard enough I’ll forget everything for good in time. I want to mentally start over and remove all the dad starting next year on my 24th birthday. I always remind myself that I’m a victim and shouldn’t beat myself up and God let me get out of each situation. God will continue to heal me . I and strong and will make sure to protect anyone who is also a victim of any kind of Sexual Assault.