I’d like to share my sexual assault story. When I think of what happened, a rush of emotions come to mind, including anger, embarrassment, insecurity, and resentment. I've been reflecting on what feelings come to the surface, and I mostly feel anger, but deeper down I have a sense of worry that maybe I didn't remember that night right, and what if I was wrong? What if he didnt do anything and my mind is making up stories? But, I can see the night it happened vividly in my head, clear enough that I'm reliving it. I really liked him, and I'm not entirely sure why, because he wasn't my type at all. We had been “talking” for maybe two weeks, right around my birthday. He was the first boy that I really ever kissed (that was non consensual too now that I think about it), and I had been really unsure about my sexuality, and if I even liked boys at all. I think that may have been the reason I gave him the time of day. I knew that he wasn’t a good guy, but I was attracted to him, so at least he was helping me figure myself out. But, he took advantage of that. I knew he only cared about my body. We would talk for hours every night, and while I was looking for someone to connect with, all he would ever talk about was having sex with me. I made it clear to him that I didn't want that, because I wanted to wait until I was ready and preferably in a relationship. He acknowledged that, but the things he would say about me proved he didn't listen. It was always “I wanna f*ck you” or “I want your body”. He sexualized every part of me, and it was like that was the only thing he could think about. I just wanted to talk to him, but I would always find myself speechless when he said these things. How was I even supposed to respond to those sexualizaing comments? “Thank you?” And it wasnt just me he said these things to, he would talk about me with our friends when I wasn't around. Making sexual comments and talking about my body and how badly he wanted me. This isn't even the worst of it. While I was catching feelings for this obviously shitty man, he was talking to one of my other friends. He told people that he was really going for her, but just messing around with me on the side. And now they're dating. I knew that what I was doing was wrong, because I didn't want to hurt the other girl he was talking to. That didn't end up mattering to me after a while. I guess I should start from the first memorable incident. It was one of my closest friends' birthdays, which is the day after mine. I remember him saying he wanted to give me some “birthday d*ck”, even though he blew me off on my birthday to hang out with the other girl. There were a couple people over at her house, including the boy and his friend. We were all sitting on her floor, and I decided to sit next to the boy, and eventually we were cuddling on her floor. Ew. I noticed immediately that he was touchy. He started feeling up and down my body, grabbing my butt, and trying to wedge his hands in between my closed legs. All of this was out in the open with our friends in the room. The birthday girl and two other people left, and it was just me, the boy, and his friend in the room. The boy said he had to talk to his friend about something and asked me to cover my ears, so I buried my head in his shoulder and covered them. I heard him say I could come back up, and when I looked back up at him he kissed me. We started kissing more, and the boy didn't seem to be bothered at all by the fact that his friend was still in the room. I'm pretty sure we kissed again while he was there, and then he left. He was the first boy I ever really kissed, and I guess I thought it was normal for him to touch me that much. The funny thing is, the friend whos house we were at said he probably would have gone all the way and had sex with me right there on the floor if I wanted to, even though the house was FULL and we were on my best friends floor, where anyone could walk in. That was just one of the many red flags I missed. Things went on that way for a few days, and whenever we hung out he would touch me. I remember one day I knocked on my friend's door, and while we were waiting to be let in he grabbed my butt. He would do that alot. He knew I didn't want to sleep with him, yet every time I was around he got closer and closer to me, touched me more and more. He would stick his hands down my pants and up my shirt, even if there were other people nearby. He wasn't good for me. I knew he was bad. I made bad decisions when it came to him, and I knew I needed to stop. So, now I'll get into the night it happened. It was a night in march, this boy didn't have a car, so I remember I snuck out of my house to pick him up from work. We were hanging out in the front of my car, and he asked if I wanted to get in the back. I knew I had to be home soon, but I said yes. We climbed back there and started kissing. His hands were everywhere. He lifted my shirt up and started taking my boobs out of my bra, and stuck his hand in my underwear. I said I was on my period so he didn't go any further. But, that didn't stop him from getting what he wanted. While we were kissing, he took out his dick from inside his pants and placed my hand on it. I thought he was grabbing my hand to be romantic, but next thing I knew I was touching a dick for the first time in my life. He guided my hand up and down and then let go. I'm not too sure on the details now, months later, but I think I moved my hand away and he moved it back. He kept guiding me like that. He put my hand up his shirt and I had to feel his nasty chest hair. After this happened, I looked at the clock and said I had to go. We got re-assembled and I drove him home. Except this time I could tell something was off. He was very quiet on the way home, and when he got out of the car he kissed me through my driver's side window before going back inside. When I was leaving, I immediately called one of my best friends and told her what happened. Honestly at that point I didn't think it was assault, and I told her I wondered if I would have actually slept with him if we had more time that night. She didn't seem concerned about what I told her either. But she was also the one who's friends with the boy. When I got home, he sent me a message that said “I don't think we should talk anymore until I figure things out with myself. I was crushed. I felt so stupid and embarassed and violated and ashamed. I knew that he had been juggling me and this other girl for some time now, and honestly I thought he was going to choose me. The constant competition really took A toll on my mental health and confidence. Of course he would choose the skinnier, prettier girl who would actually put out. I really don't understand what got into me. I knew he was terrible. I knew he didn't care about me. So why did I stay? Why did I like him in the first place? Why why did I let him hurt me??? I still don't understand that. Now, the period after he ended things was just as embarrassing. I kept waiting for him to come back to me, when he “figured things out”. I asked my friends if there was a chance he would come back to me, and even though nobody thought it, I kept hoping. The funny thing is, after he was done with me he started preying on one of my other friends, who was not interested in him at all. He said the same things about her. “I wanna f*ck her” and “shes so hot”. He didn't “like” girls, he went after them. Finally, I started to realize I didn't need him. I stopped waiting for his snaps, and started ignoring him. I started to reflect on how he treated me, and it was clear he was using me as a side piece and he only wanted my body. He didn't care about me. As time went on, he kept telling people I was obsessed with him, and that made me angry. At this point in my life I was smoking a lot of weed, mostly just to get by because every day felt hard. This boy started treating me like a drug addict and said he was concerned by how much I smoked and the decisions I was making. But this girl he wanted smoked just as much as me, and we mostly smoked together. But he only went after me for it. I started realizing he was messed up, and had no values or morals in his life. I started to think, and I realized what he did to me was not okay. I told my trusted friends about it and they agreed. However, one of my closest friends is still close with him. Just writing about this is making me feel sick. My stomach hurts, and I have a sense of unease all over my body. The next few weeks, I started to forget about him. Until one day he texted me. He rambled on about how I smoked too much weed and that eventually I'm going to get caught. He told me that he was concerned for me because I was important to one of my friends, which means it's important to him. Not even that he cared for himself, just that he cared because someone else did. I was furious. He had no right to tell me i'm being irresponsible when the only thing he talked about when I met him was how many drugs he did on a daily basis. And about this “other friend”, I remember a specific instance where I picked her and another friend up from their houses, and we went to our spot to smoke. She told the boy we were there, and he pulled up. MY two friends got out of my car, got into his, and left. They all left me alone to go hangout with someone else (this other person they were going to hangout with also has two separate rape allegations, one of the victims attends my school). Again, I was furious. Especially after I told this friend that he assaulted me, she left me alone without even a second thought. This wasn't the first time this happened either, she blew our entire friend group off multiple times to hangout with the boy who assaulted me. Going forward, I started forgetting more and more about him. I talked to other people, and eventually found my current boyfriend. One day, me and my boyfriend had planned to meet my friends at our spot- a waterfall and park in town. The “other friend” asked me if it was okay if the boy and his friend were going there too, and I hesitantly said yes. Obviously I was a little uncomfortable with my boyfriend and assaulter being in the same place. But he was eager to meet the man, because I had already told him about it. Plus, my boyfriend was drunk. When we got there he couldn't even walk. I had to walk up to my friend who was in the car with the boy and ask them for a lighter, in which they all ignored me. We waited in the parking lot for a while for the boy and his friends to walk down to the falls, but they never did. Then, My friend comes over to me and says the boy is uncomfortable because my boyfriend was drunk and he didnt wanna see him fall off the rocks or hurt on the path down to our spot. I was furious that she came up to ME and told me that my ASSAULTER was uncomfortable?! Absolutely not. She said it right in front of my boyfriend too, and tried to pull me aside like he wasn’t there. I looked right at her and said “oh? HE’S uncomfortable???” and walked away. My other friend and my boyfriend walked down to the falls with me. We noticed no one else out of our large group followed, and the IRONY is that they went to drive to a friend's house to GET ALCOHOL! They left and never came back. I was so mad, and for good reason! The thing about me is that I HATE being mad at people, and even though I had a full right to be upset, I still felt bad. But neither my friend nor the boy were “uncomfortable” with my boyfriend being drunk. They had left us many times before to drink and drive, which is especially dangerous. He was probably uncomfortable that I even had a boyfriend, because I found someone better than him. The rest of the afternoon was awkward, because all of my friends left except for one. So she had to third wheel me and my boyfriend. We ended up going out and having fun, but it makes me so angry that that happened. When I was at prom, I kept seeing my friend go over and talk to him and his girlfriend. I tried to stay away whenever possible, but I went over and tapped her on the shoulder a few times when she was over there. I even talked to his girlfriend once or twice, but didnt say anything to him. I hate being around him, I hate him, I hate him so much. Looking back at all of this, I'm ashamed that I ever talked to this boy. But, he also took advantage of me. Even though sometimes I have doubts, I have a right to be angry at him. And even though I never thought it would be me, I'm a part of the 1 and 6 women now.