is this trauma?
Hello, I am not sure if this is the right place to discuss such things. But I have a story, that i am unable to process. I *think* I have sexual trauma from 5 years ago - it's been resurfacing now. I am not even sure what this was. when I was 21, I was hanging out with a friend. We had been friends for a very long time. Due to some reasons I am unaware of, he started coercing me into sex. He would often grope me, sleep next to me etc. This guy I knew had a girlfriend. Soon enough he broke up with his girlfriend. The groping started happening more often. The coercion increased. We would often make out, but I never would consent to sex because i was not comfortable. I knew i would not be able to trust this person and I didn't feel safe with him. Fast forward to a few months, he starts telling me he likes, he chases and pursues me. The coercion becomes stronger. He says things like we *need* to have sex because he needs to get it out of his system. Then one night, we're hanging out - just smoking and drinking. He convinces me to go his place. Once we reach there, he starts coming on too strong. I try to get out of it, I tell him I am not sure. Then he yells me by saying what was i thinking we will do when i come to his house at night, implying i owe him sex because i am at his house at this hour. There was no way for me to get out. At this point, where I lived, ubers/lyfts didn't exist. It was 2 am. He comes on too strongly again. I resist less this time but i freak out as soon as he's about to penetrate me. My body froze, I clearly wasn't ready. This boy gets angry, and he throws me out of his room. I am barely dressed and there are some of his roommates that have passed out in the living room. I feel humiliated and I want to leave but my clothes are in his room. He comes into the living room and grabs my hands and gets me into his bedroom. He keeps on asking me why cant we have sex. My answer is always "i don't know". He tells me how's bad it's for his health that i tease his like this. He says his body needs it. So i let it happen. Promising myself i am never coming back here. During penetration i ask him if he has a condom. He gets up to get a condom. Makes some wrapper noise but as soon as the act is over, i realize he never wore a condom. And i ask him he replies, 'i never wanted to wear a condom with you'. I didn't feel broken but numb. I think I had blocked out a lot of what happened for many years. after 5 years, the night described above felt wrong but i am not able to call it assault/ harassment because everyone's else pain seems bigger than mine. Is this sexual trauma?