I feel like my life was ruined as soon as the abuse started
The first time I was asked for nudes I was 8. The person who asked for them claimed to be 10, I believed him but looking back, he was probably lying. There were multiple times, times that I sent them, times that I didn't. Sometimes I wanted to send them, sometimes they were threatened out of me. I was too young to understand that some lied about being my age, others just outright told me they were older. I didn't understand that the ones that threatened me, couldn't actually act on the threats. I feel so dumb. I don't feel like I can call it abuse because it was online and most of the time I wanted to send them, even though I was underage. I'm disgusted with myself. I hate my body, I can't look at it anymore without remembering that I did this to myself. It wasn't until late last year that I learned that I wasn't in the wrong, but it's hard to unlearn all those years of predators telling me I was the whore, I was the one that should feel ashamed and disgusted with myself. These experiences landed me right in the arms of someone who took advantage of my need for reassurance. I was in middle school, he was a year older, he pressured me into sexual acts, he made me do them in public sometimes, or even around my family. I realized that I never wanted to do those things, I was just so desperate for male approval that I did whatever he wanted. I'm glad I never let him take my virginity. I realized I'm asexual, it could be a product of either but I'll never know. Sex disgusts me, any mention of it, even actors in tv shows, it makes me feel sick to my stomach. My grandma is coming to town soon for my dad's birthday. She use to pinch my backside and say sexual things to me, she makes me so uncomfortable. I'm 16 and live at home, back and forth between my mom's and my dad's homes, whenever my grandma comes to town, my dad and step mom let her stay in my room, sleep in my bed, move things around, and go through what little I have. She makes me sick. I don't want her in my house, especially knowing that all my younger siblings will be there and possibly left with her. My dad thinks I'm making something over nothing. She goes through my things and moves everything around, it makes me so mad. I don't have much space to myself, and I don't feel like I can ask for things I need. I'm not worth it.