My earliest childhood memories are my darkest most grayest moments of my life. Most people remember their first time riding a bike, first Disneyland trip, or first birthday party. Mine consists of my first traumas. I can’t remember how it started or how old I was. I know i had to be a toddler still bc i remember being in pull-ups. Ive always felt there’s a missing puzzle piece to my story so although all the facts might be a little off this is what i can recall that i haven’t blacked out. My family used to host all the family get togethers/holidays during my childhood we had a big house and spacious outdoor area so it was perfect for hosting. This one particular night everyone was over for a boxing fight or birthday party. I remember it being nighttime all the kids were playing and my cousin (f) (who's only a couple days older than me) and I decided to play hide and seek? But just the two of us we decided we would hide from everyone. Since my backyard was huge we decided to hide behind this big shed (imagine a small garage but shaped like a mini house). I remember us sitting behind this small space behind the shed and hearing the party going on from a distant, it was a cold night and we decided to switch clothes. But being a toddler and not knowing how clothes work we were unable to dress ourselves, so we sat in our pull-ups cold. My cousin spoke mostly Spanish growing up and she muttered a few sentences to me i didn’t understand and started kissing me. As a child you’re naïve and don't know right from wrong we kissed for awhile. Then i remembered seeing a bright flash near us, it was our parents ,other concerned family members, and the cops. While we were “playing hide and seek” everyone was frantically searching for us, calling our names, and when they couldn’t find us they called the cops. Thankfully they found us but the rest is sorta blacked out from my memory. I wish i could say this was the end but this only opened a hyper sexual door for my cousin and i. Because we discovered this strange weird new good feeling sensation, we would secretly kiss every chance we got, kissing progressed to touching, and that progressed to actual scissoring. It didn’t stop with my cousin bc i had another (f) cousin who liked to do this stuff too, and she would do it with another (f) cousin of ours and even one of our (m) cousins. I did get caught with cousin 1 twice, once by her dad we were in her closet dry humping counting to 10 and he was outside listening and scolded us. The other was by my sister and she caught us dry humping kissing. She told my other sisters and that’s where it stopped for awhile between us and we never talked about it ever again. like ever we literally pretended like none it ever happened and at that point we were around 7. Then it picked back up after i moved houses a d we were 8. We stopped after that and acted like none of it happened once again. Because my sisters knew i was so ashamed and i remember one of my older sisters blackmailing me threatening to expose me to my parents. So I always felt so ashamed of myself and i just didn’t understand what my body was feeling. Because i became so familiar with this good feeling down there it lead to masterbating in shame and deep dives on the internet, and learning how to clear a search browser all before the fourth grade. I had no one to talk to any of this about even today I’ve never told anyone , other than the entire internet just now. Part of me is always going to be ashamed of this past, but i don’t blame any of my cousins because i know someone let them down too, they were only projecting what someone else taught them, and unfortunately that someone was probably supposed to lookout and protect them. Thats why i question everything and everyone from my childhood like who could be trusted? theres this part of me that feels like my cousin wasn’t the first one to hurt me but a male family member. I have no recollection just a strong hunch inside of me and if theres one thing about my intuition its that It’s never wrong. Today this cousin and i are actually really close shes literally my best friend. we've still never addressed our past like ever. I think its an unspoken thing between us where we know but don't talk about it because its such a heavy subject. Maybe someday when were both in a place where we feel safe and are ready we can just talk. For now im grateful to just have each other’s company and know were there for one another. Im forever healing and theres day where i feel amazing but others where it just all hits me and i just feel ashamed again. It all makes me feel so disgusting and i need to stop feeling that way. I just hate how this has affected my sexuality im in a constant state of pleasure and it never goes away. sometimes all i can think about is sex and my need for it. I hate feeling like this. It doesn’t help especially as i got older i went through a thot phase desperately seeking sexual attention didn’t get any till 14 where i had my first experience with a boy (he ghosted me after) right before my 15 birthday then literally two days later i got assaulted in my sleep by a distant family member, after i slept over at his house. I woke up in the middle of the night to him rubbing my privates and he jumped up scared and went back to sleep on the other end of the couch. I lied there frozen in shock till the sun came up. And the cherries on top of them t all was getting groped at school constantly after that.