Being in a relationship with an abusive narcissist for 5 years
It’s been 9 years since I split up with my ex. I didn’t realise at the time fully what he had done to me because he was my world and I thought I could save him, his dad used to hit him and his mum turned a blind eye. I remember we were briefly on ‘a break’ and I wanted so bad to officially be back together I would of done anything. We went out for one of his friends birthdays and when we got back we wanted sex and a blow job, I hated giving blow jobs, the thought of it even now after all this time makes me feel sick but he said I obviously didn’t love him or wanted to make him happy if I didn’t do it so I did and we then had sex. After I said to him so where is this going, I don’t want to be ‘friends with benefits’ I love you and he said I love you but I don’t fancy you, I’m not attracted to you and this literally haunts me to this day like how can someone of basically forced you to do oral sex, have sex with you and then say they aren’t attracted to you. I felt completely used, I still do to this day. He would always say I was over reacting or making stuff up if I tried to talk to him about how I felt. One time his computer wouldn’t work and he flung his hand back and it hit me and I said to him you just hit me and he said don’t be stupid that didn’t happen I just flung my hand back and you were there. He used to tell me all the time I wouldn’t be able to handle university, it would be too hard for me. He took every ounce of confidence and belief I ever had in myself, every single piece. He used to self harm and told me there was nothing I could do to stop him, that I couldn’t make anything better, he went to natural healer and they told him he needs to cut negative people out of his life and that the women said that was me. He left me completely broken and then a few months after we split I found out for the last couple of months he cheated on me. When he did split up with me he told me we could still be friends but said we should kiss and have sex one last time and obviously because I was so desperate to be loved I did it but I can see now it was all bullshit, he just gaslighted the fuck out of me and I was too young and naive and then too inlove or so I thought to see it. We met when I was 14 and he was 16 I mean that should be a red flag in itself. I had sex with him the first time a week before my 15th birthday because I was scared he wouldn’t want to be with me if I didn’t. I spent 5 years being belittled, gaslighted and abused by this guy, I didn’t know what a relationship should be because I hadn’t had one before, I didn’t know what was and wasn’t normal. I was bullied at school mostly got my appearance so it was flattering that an older guy took and interest. I’m not even sure if he ever realised the damage he caused me. I’ve been on anti depressants since I was 17, I’ve self harmed, I’ve wanted to kill myself and I’m still broken. This story does end with hope though. I have had cbt therapy which had been a really big help, it hasn’t dealt with my trauma but it has helped me to work through my emotions and react in ways that isn’t so damaging to myself. I haven’t self harmed in about 3 years, I went and finished uni - did I nearly drop out in second year, yes, but did I stay strong and finish the course and graduate with a 2:1, yes I fucking did! I’ve been open with my best friend about what really happened in that relationship and this in itself has given so much healing because we drifted apart for years because my ex thought she didn’t like him and was constantly judging him so I cut her off but now we are closer than ever and she has two absolutely amazing kids I am ‘auntie’ to. I’m slowly starting to realise I don’t need to hate myself and I’m working on trying to love myself so healing has and is happening. He may of broken me but I’ve got plenty of superglue and I’m putting my pieces back together. After 7 years of living in denial of what he did to me and not dealing with my trauma and using extremely unhealthy ways of dealing with it, I am now coming on leaps and bounds and I’m feeling positive and I want to live and even one day love again.