Question

I believe I was sexually abused by a friend when I was a child. She was a classmate of my brother and 5-6 years older than me. Our families were close, which led to us becoming friends despite the age difference. When I was around 6-8 years old, she made us 'play' in a way that involved oral sex. I hated it and tried to avoid doing it 'properly' without her noticing. I tried to forget about the experience, but I think it has taken a toll on me, especially when I started dating. As a lesbian, I struggled with setting boundaries and expressing my needs during sexual encounters. When I tried to perform oral sex on my then-partner, I didn't enjoy it and forced myself to continue even though I wanted it to stop. I believe that what happened to me as a child has affected me as an adult, and I'm seeking validation and information on how childhood sexual abuse can impact a person later in life.

Answer

Thank you for sharing your story with us. I am so sorry that you experienced this situation with your brother's friend when you were a child. What happened to you was not your fault, and your feelings about the experience are completely valid. It's common for individuals who have gone through experiences like this to try to bury or minimize related memories, especially when the other person involved was someone close to them or of the same gender. However, these experiences can have long-lasting effects on a person's mental health, relationships, and sexual well-being.

Based on what you shared, it sounds like what happened to you was not consensual and constitutes as sexual abuse. Even though you were young, you knew that you didn't like the sexual activity and tried to avoid engaging in it fully. This demonstrates that you did not want or enjoy what was happening, despite the other person's attempts to frame it as "play." It also sounds like there was a significant age gap and potential power dynamics at play here. That is also very concerning.

The struggles you describe with setting boundaries, communicating your needs, and feeling comfortable during sexual encounters are common challenges for individuals who have experienced sexual trauma. Having your boundaries crossed at a young age can make it difficult to assert yourself and express your desires later in life. Forcing yourself to continue with sexual activities that you don't enjoy is a coping mechanism that many people in similar situations use, but it can ultimately be harmful to your emotional and sexual well-being.

Childhood sexual abuse can significantly impact intimate relationships as an adult. Survivors may struggle with trust, communication, and vulnerability, which are essential components of a fulfilling partnership. They may also experience fear, anxiety, or even physical discomfort during sexual encounters, making it challenging to relax and enjoy intimacy. Some survivors may engage in risky sexual behaviors or have difficulty establishing boundaries, while others may avoid sexual relationships altogether. These challenges are not a reflection of the survivor's worth or ability to love, but rather a common response to the trauma they experienced.

It's crucial to remember that healing is possible. Seeking support from a therapist who specializes in working with individuals who have experienced sexual trauma can be incredibly beneficial. They can help you process your memories, validate your experiences, and develop healthy coping strategies for navigating sexual relationships as an adult. They may also work with you on building self-esteem, communication skills, and boundary-setting, which can be essential for fostering healthy, fulfilling partnership

Only you can label your experiences. You may find it helpful to connect with others who have gone through something similar, either through support groups or online communities. Sharing your story and hearing from others can help you feel less alone and provide valuable insights into the healing process.

What happened to you was not your fault, and you deserve to have healthy, fulfilling relationships and sexual experiences. Be patient and compassionate with yourself. Your experience matters. Thank you for sharing it with us.