It was not until I reached my mid-50s that memories of SA from my mom came back. I ended up writing two poems based on those memories because, other than making pictures, I could not say what happened. My wife and I were in a hotel room but I woke up having a hallucination. I thought it was my mom, with no clothes on, in bed with me and she looked like the younger her. I never told my wife, but that was strange. My therapist helped by saying that such experiences are not unusual but are often triggered by something. After several years of marriage, and raising two grown sons, my wife told me a few months ago that her mom made her, her partner when she was much younger. She also told me that her mom was a closet lesbian. That's heartbreaking to hear, but it also answers many questions about our relationship over the years. Now many things make sense. Her identical twin sister told me last July that their mom tried to do the same to her but she refused. A big part of what helped her was that the parents divided up the twins. My SIL was raised more by her dad. My MIL, according to my SIL, perceived my wife to be the weaker of the two children and thus selected her. I don't know if overt SA occurred between her and her mom, but I do know this. She and her identical twin slept in the same bed from childhood and did so in the dorm at the all women's college they went to. Several years ago when her twin was fighting cancer, my wife requested for her to sleep with her when visiting like old times. Her twin said no. Later, my SIL told me that she knew what sleeping in the same bed over all those years sounded like, but no, she was very glad to get out of that bed and was the first of the two to get married. Sad to say, but my wife spent years in therapy, did DBT twice on request due to intellectualizing the first time, and many of us thought had gained freedom, but no. She's not healthy enough to hear what my mom did to me other than the very few things that I have said. How sad, to realize in one's senior years that one's spouse has always been her mother's partner. That explains a lot. One things it explains is why my wife tried to partner with each of our sons. I spotted it, plus said no, and they rejected it. She tried the hardest with our youngest who she says, his young body reminds her of the younger me. I think to keep in focused on her, she told him all these mean things about girls to scare him away from being a sexually active teen. She reported to me that she knew that he had seen her nude for her said so. Another sad thing is that my wife's mom told her all these mean things about men and all about her sex life with her dad in an attempt to keep her away from men and keep her focused on her. Sounds like my wife walked in her mom's script with our youngest son.

My non-binary identity.

I got started writing but can't stop. So, I will keep writing. Mom wished she had given birth to a girl, not a son. She told me this often. She rand down my dad constantly and tried her best to keep me from ever seeing him. She wanted a girl so badly that when she got angry with me,, she would dress me up like a girl which continued into my teen and pre-teen years. I came to enjoy girl's underwear with the cotton-padded bras plus the clothes. Then mom would SA me referring to my body as if I were a girl. When she got married again, I gained a step-brother who wanted to have fun with me and we did. There was boy near my age who lived above the part of the house that my dad rented. We ended up having the same type of fun. My step-brother made me swear to never tell anyone of what we did. Fast forward to me early in my marriage which by the way, I started late in my early 30s with a woman several years older than me. After several years of marriage, I bought my wife a realistic skin-type vibrator which we ended up playing with together and separately. By that time, I had told my wife about my step-brother and I playing around but nothing hard core. She was ok with that. She said that I could buy my own and as many as I wanted, but not to get the real thing. For one anniversary I bought her a strapon and a costume. My wife already knew that my mom had actually wanted a girl and sometimes would dress me up as one. When I gave her a realistic-looking dildo a mouth hug as she was giving me a mouth hug, I said without thinking, I have become the girl that mom always wanted. My wife enjoyed our experience for as she told me that she once told a therapist she would like to have one of those. Thus, I'm non-binary. In some ways, I am like a man. In other ways, I am like a woman. All of that young non-binary sexual experience opened me up to enjoy all sorts of porn which later I came to understand was a coping mechanism to survive the pain. My healing journey has also come to see why I liked topless bars. Many of the girls reminded me of my mom, but in a situation in which I was in control. Out of pure curiosity, I bought a big pair of fake breasts and a bra to wear all alone, but that didn't last long. From time to time, my dad mentioned that he could tell that my mom sought to raise me on a pink pillow. Sad to say, I can no longer claim that I was a virgin when my wife and I married when I was 31 for mom was my first woman when I turned 14 plus recent memories are that mom's last time with me was not when home from college but not very far from my wedding day. Gross! So, while that has been a terrible journey to work through, I am comfortable with who I am. At least beyond my therapist, I also have a relative who understands which we can talk about without any ickiness.