My first boyfriend
I was 15 years old at the time and I had an older boyfriend who was 19. He had already had sex with multiple girls and I was a virgin. I felt really insecure about him already having those “special moments” with other girls. He often coerced me into sending him nudes by saying that if I didn’t send them, he would find another girl who would. After I’d send him the pictures, he’d usually compliment me but then immediately critic my body in some way right after. Sometimes he’d send me other girls nudes and say he wished that I looked more like them. This made me put so much pressure on myself to take the best sexy pictures possible so that he would give me the validation I desperately wanted. It never worked. One day, we were hanging out and he asked me if I wanted to have sex and I said no. I was really scared of having sex. Just the thought of it made extremely uncomfortable. He got mad and asked me to have my mom pick me up. The next week, we were at my house making out on the couch and I was wearing a dress. He started touching me and then he asked if I would have sex with him. I said no again. He pushed me down on the couch and started raping me. I didn’t say anything or fight back or move at all. After he was finished, he left immediately. I cleaned the all the blood up and went to take a shower. I remember just sitting down on the floor of the shower completely emotionless for a really long time. Probably an entire hour. That night, I was waiting for him to text me but he never did. I texted him repeatedly saying that I loved him and tried my best to convince him that nothing was wrong. I was really worried that he wouldn’t want to talk to me anymore. I really wanted him to like me for some reason. A few weeks later, I randomly ran into him at the beach on the boardwalk and we were both with our families. We hadn’t had any contact since the night he raped me. I was in complete shock and couldn’t hear a single thing he or his family was saying. It felt like I couldn’t even move my eyes. Finally, he said my name repeatedly and his mom touched my shoulder so I kind of snapped out of it. We had small talk for a minute or two and then said goodbye. When I turned away from him, I had a complete mental break down in front of everyone on the board walk and my entire family. I was bawling my eyes out and my family was so confused but I couldn’t calm myself down. I never told them what was going on. We ended up dating for a while after this and the lines got really blurry for what was rape and what was sex. He was really into BDSM (non-consensually). I experienced so much sexual trauma from this relationship and it still affects me years later. I feel genuine hate towards him and wish nothing but the absolute worst for him. I know I’m supposed to say that I forgive him in order to heal or whatever but that’s not how I feel. I hope he burns in hell. If you relate to this in anyway, I am so sorry and I hope you find the peace you deserve.