from obedience to inner freedom
I am a queer nonbinary trans man and i was in an emotionally, psychologically and physically abusive relationship for 8 months, over 10 years ago. I presented as a queer woman at the time, although I had recently discovered my gender identity as a man. So much healing has happened for me since then and I want to let this part of my story go but I have carried the fear that if he found out I told anyone he would find me and kill me. So i have mostly kept silent about that time of my life and the messed up things that happened. It is complicated, because at that time of my life i was very insecure and I believed that I needed someone to impose structure on me and tell me what to do. So on one level I did invite him into my life. However he was a very manipulative clever person and he was very skilled at sapping my confidence and twisting me psychically so I became more and more pliable to him. As it progressed he started to show me photos of underage girls and he would masturbate to them and encourage me to do the same. He started to act like he had multiple personalities, one of which was a sadistic one. Then he acted like i was stupid for believing him. He also convinced me that he could read my thoughts so when he moved across the country, i was still paranoid walking around monitoring my thoughts for any disloyalty because I truly believed he could sense them instantly. I developed panic attacks with going outside and lost a lot of weight and struggled with self care. Eventually my parents came to visit me, and my mom screamed at me in public for three days saying how horrible of a person i was. It was humiliating but i accepted it as I felt that I deserved to be yelled at, which was another thing he taught me - that I only learned through being yelled at. I grew up in an authoritarian, controlling household so I was used to distrusting my own feelings and accepting that it was 'good' to be obedient. Eventually I found a way to leave the relationship. I was very traumatized and I believed that I had been 'bad and wrong' for thinking i was a trans man and queer. So i totally went in the closet and did all the things that my parents, family and society said was 'good' for me to do. Over time I developed chronic illness which I see as my body getting my attention and saying, hey, this is just another form of obedience , and you KNOW inside what is right for you no matter what anyone says - but you need to listen. slowly I started to pursue my own independence and own personal growth, and in that way I have escaped the psychic prison I lived in and created. I can see that obedience is not good and does not lead to love. And that i have my own sense of inner truth and that it is reliable and trustworthy. I love my body and myself no matter what anyone thinks.