I am not Powerless
Historia original
This isn’t about one incident but it’s happened so many times and how it’s android me feel. Today was hard for me my car battery died and I needed help, my youngest daughter crossed my boundaries again, and my ex did as he was supposed to helping me. I felt so ganged up in today as if I was being bullied. It seems as I sat here in my bed trying to process the day and feel what I’m feeling it hit me that it feels like hoe it feels to be raped, which is strange but almost everything seems to remind me of it. I have someone I care very much for but he goes silent on me and we don’t talk for a while and then he comes back like it’s all fine but it’s not. His silence triggers me greatly to a point where I get so triggered I couldn’t control it. I suppose i didn’t realize it was mimicking the silent treatment. My ex today when the car battery died I called a few people to help and finally got my sister. My ex forgot his jumper cables and I asked him to ask some people in the parking lot and he got mad and then went in the store and came out and said your gonna owe me for this in a frustrating loud tone. He wasn’t yelling but it felt like yelling and hurt my feelings I wanted to cry. He told me he has jumper cables and if he had to buy them I was gonna owe him. As I’m writing this parts of me feel like a fool or at least think I am for asking him for help. When I was 18 when got married when I was 17, he told me if I didn’t have sex with him he would rape me and well I was tired and said no I also had a headache which I just remembered and he did it. I am in Emdr therapy processing what happened and the memories are started to slowly surface. But also there are other incidents that happened that are also surfacing. There are parts I remember such as the man with glasses on top of me and Everytime I see the town mayor my stomach turns in knots. He was around me when I was little and the resemblance is so similar but I don’t know if it was him for sure and maybe I never will. My mom let men touch me and pushed guys onto to my ex. I never known in the way I should and I don’t really care for having sex. I’ve been healing and working through all this but in some ways I’m afraid of everything and anything can trigger those feelings again like today when my ex said I would owe him. I haven’t been feeling well and have been needing some help and I suppose I was isolated so much of my life I don’t have a support system. I don’t have family or friends to go too and anytime I try new support groups no one shows up and they can be too far to drive. My youngest daughter has bdp and well it’s hard to be around her and she constantly crosses any boundaries I have which seems to be a running theme in my life. If anything today showed me I was able to control my emotions without expressing them to the people that hurt me, I came back and journaled and ate chicken noodle soup, and took a hot shower to help with the somatic pains surfacing in my body and now I’m under the blanket holding a pillow writing this story. I’m not powerless I never was I’ve just been around crappy people my whole life and I will always have been raped and sexually abused but it doesn’t have to define me.
Una semana después
Grammar Mistakes
I am not sure if this qualifies as an update, but I just got an email that my story has been viewed 100 times and when I clicked on the link to view my story I read it and there are so many misspellings and I just want to fix it. I was also happy that so many others viewed my story and I hope it helps them in some way or at least lets them know they are not alone. I don't feel so alone knowing 100 people viewed my story, but I can't help but think I wonder what they thought about all those misspellings. This morning I woke and I am not feeling so good. My ex came and knocked at my door I opened it and he said you need to go to the doctor and I was super defensive towards him and said I'm ok, which was really please just go away and then I told him I didn't have gas to go anyways, and then he said with a condescending tone, haven't I been doordashing and I said no because I don't feel good. Then I became more defensive and as the morning passed I noticed how much I blame myself for things, like being defensive towards him and how much shame I do carry, and feel like I need to fix things about myself like being defensive or all the grammar mistakes. This last week I've separated out the parts that feel overwhelmed, angry, me at 16 wanting someone to love me, me that thinks no one cares about me and each time I acknowledge a part of me more feelings seem to surface and for the first time I am not trying to fix them or do anything with them I just feel them. That is how healing really is feeling what you never got to feel before how much it hurt for something bad to happen to you, for someone to take away your rights, to make you feel as if you are gross or worthless at least that is how I see myself gross and no one would ever want me after so many men have touched me. I read my story and I cried and in that shows me I am healing, that I have empathy for myself and my own story. Of course I am defensive towards him I feel unsafe when he is around something I didn't understand until recently because to me he was still the boy I met when I was 14 yet he was 19 too old for me, yet I didn't know that either back then. Children should be allowed to be children and not have to worry about boyfriends, I was just a girl not ready for a relationship let alone sex. I am still waiting on the divorce papers to be served but to me our marriage ended before it ever began, to me I was a 17 year old girl who had no business with a 23 year old man although it seems normal to say that it just wasn't. I still had some growing up to do. It wasn't ok what happened to me, it wasn't ok for anyone to touch me and it was never ok for my now we will call him ex husband to make me have sex with him or tell me he was going to rape me if I didn't have sex with him. I just wanted it to be over that is all I would think about it, it will be fast and it will be over and I can go to sleep. I want to hate him but I don't hate him it at all, if anything I see him as a sad man who drinks too much and doesn't take care of himself and doesn't even understand what he did was rape, which makes even harder in some ways, but I don't need him to know or understand I do and that is all that matters. I blamed myself because I said no and he did it anyway.