Damage...everyone wants the details, this is the stuff noone talks about.. To be victimized is one thing, its one night, easy to forget right ? Nope, not the night that changed me and broke me... nothing was ever the same..He didn't even wear a condom and you wanted to save your virginity, your virtue, for the person that you were going to marry... How could you go back to your Religious family and explain... How could you remain a Christian if you had no virtue.... God wouldn't want you, would He? Somehow you knew this was your fault... you didn't do everything you could to protect yourself, maybe you deserved it cause you drank that night, or because you fell asleep giving him an opportunity, or maybe because you trusted the wrong person, you just couldn't tell anyone and now you felt alone. To go to a strange clinic and fill out forms, you see the boxes, for rape or consensual... your hand shakes you want so bad to check the rape box, but nope you lie... you check consensual...Noone to hold your hand, your forced to check 2 boxes anal and vaginally, noone to comfort you, you had a chance to speak up, but you were scared, scared and alone... to only be there with a friend of a friend that you barely knew... but you couldn't risk anyone knowing Forced to take a pill that caused terrible side effects, lie to everyone, go home and curl up on your bed, and wait for the bleeding to start.. its a relief, it's not an abortion but you know you won't have a baby that you can't explain... You take advil and midol, curl up with a heating pad, and just cry, you are a rape victim, but your periods are always horrible so you can get away with crying.... You beg your grandma to let you stay home, tell her the pain is to bad, you can't concentrate ( its not a lie) the emotional pain is almost intolerable...she lets you... she knows something is wrong.. You over hear her tell your Dad, I am concerned about her, she never has cried this much, and her period is awful early, you cry harder cause the thought of being probed again is too much to bare... The phone rings its the health department with your blood results from the test, thank God for no caller ID, so you play it off like its the school nurse, another lie...they tell you that you don't have the STD that they thought you had well the test was inconclusive but they were glad they treated you anyway.. 2 weeks later another clinic confirmed you were in the clear, its possible he gave you one, he didn't even bother to wear a condom, now you really felt like a whore, a dirty filthy whore that the whole world judged even though they didn't know... You take a shower, and you lay in your bed, curled up in a ball.. crying silently so noone can hear, you fall asleep, wake up in the middle of the night with a face haunting you reminding you of everything he stole and how you are just a whore... you take another shower, because just thinking about his face makes you feel violated all over again... you want so badly to get him out of your mind....to go numb.. Thank God everyone is asleep...and your Dad is working late, cause you sneak into his room and grab a couple xanax.... and put them away, not tonight, I think I can survive another day..and you can't do that do your Dad overdose on his own pills and leaving him wondering why The next morning you wake up and still not wanted to go to school...but this time you have too cause you can't risk being dragged to another doctor... so you take a Shower, put on some clothes, no make up, no favorite glitter eyeshadow with the sparkles that your boyfriend has complimented you on so many times, and definitely skip your favorite lipgloss, no contacts, you cover your eyes with glasses...your shirt is baggy, you shove your boobs into the tightest sports bra to mash them just to hide them better, your make sure your pants are baggy too... as all your curves the things you loved about your body must be hidden. You throw on a thick jacket, you've barely brushed your hair... you sit at the kitchen table .. sipping the coffee, then you head out the door to get on the bus, your first stop, so you sit directly behind the bus driver, not in the back like you usually do. Your best friend sits with you, asks if your okay, you lie and make small talk... barely able to concentrate.. Then the bus arrives at school, you get off and you see your boyfriend...you take notice of his bruises, obviously he wasn't lying about the fight with his step-dad, but you can't take pity on him, because you secretly resent him for not being there... he was supposed to be, that was the plan... how could you resent him, it wasn't his fault he got beat up... He tries to grab your hand but you pull it away, and make an excuse the first of many excuses and lies that has now become your life... Your sitting in homeroom and someone asks where you've been, you want to blurt it out. Scream to the world, that you were raped but you couldn't... so you lie and say you were sick and ask for notes that you missed. You don't want the bell to ring cause then you have to see your boyfriend again and he is going to want to hold your hand, carry your books and walk you to class...and kiss you..the thought of being touched makes you want to puke. The day drags on and your going through the motions, so far so good noone knows... you make it through cause your friend, shares a joint with you after lunch, Thank God he didn't ask why you suddenly wanted to smoke.... when you never have before. Finally school is over, you smoke a little more, before you head home... your best friend wants you to come over, but you lie and say no I gotta catch up on school work that I missed... You get home, you go straight to your room, and curl up and cry... you look in the mirror and you see a whore, a used broken whore.... and you feel despair as to how did I go from a Virgin to this...you want to be angry but you can't... you don't have the strength...you feel lost, scared and afraid... will you ever be okay? You ask yourself...your boyfriend calls and you deny the call, have your Dad lie and say you are sleeping? Everything okay kid, he asks, did yall two have a fight. No, we didn't fight..well that wasn't a lie, but no everything wasn't okay, and all you want to do is jump into his arms and tell him what happened... but nope you can't why hurt him and make him feel guilty for not protecting you even though it wasn't his fault, he didn't know. Weeks, months, go by you broke up with your boyfriend well ignored him so much he broke up with you, smoking pot became your thing and straight A's, nope not anymore you were lucky to make D'S but noone asked why, they bitched at you for not taking school serious enough but never saw anything wrong... Drinking and smoking pot was a thing for you now... made it easier to be around people, but your body was still broken...your dreams still haunted and you didn't care what your new boyfriend did to you, cause it didn't matter you weren't a Virgin anymore you were just a whore, the girl with no virtue.... you'd slice your skin just to feel, want to see the blood, just to know you were alive....you almost jumped off of a cliff to make your body as broken as it felt, but you didn't. Your boyfriend breaks up with you cause his cousin touched you while you were asleep but you didn't tell him, his cousin did first before you got a chance , so he gets mad at you... once again a victim that gets blamed. But at this point you don't care, your numb inside... but then it happened, you met someone, and he asked for permission to kiss you... and that changed everything, you learned your body wasn't broken and you were not a whore.... just a survivor of one of the most horrific things a girl could go through...and now you have hope, something you haven't had in a long time...that's when a book slammed shut and a new one opened... Because you never were a whore, just a victim, and now with the love of one man you could finally heal. There is hope after rape, a light at the end of a very dark tunnel.. but for me led to the man who asked to kiss me, protected me, asked me to marry him, and with time gave me 2 wonderful children, who also healed me... This is my story, the one I was afraid to tell, this happened when I was just barely 15, the Man who did it was 29, I knew him since I was a kid, he was a friend of my step dads... I decided not to tell, not for him, but for me... I know I am not alone as many young girls carry around secrets like this for fear of victim shaming... but nothing I can do now, statue of limitations is up....the only thing left to do is heal...