In early summer 2022, I was raped by {~Name~} - someone I had known and was friends with for a decade. He was part of my group of girl friends, and was so proud to be the "guy who made it in the group chat" and always portrayed himself to be "one of the girls" as best he could. In reality, he was a loser when we took him in as a friend in high school - he so badly wanted to be friends with the "cool kids," but they rejected him so he settled for our friendship (that was too good for him). Over the years, he referred to us a "dumb bitches" and constantly made fun of everyone, proving his insecurity and emotional instability. About 4 years ago, we ended up in a situation where we lived in the same home. This wasn't necessarily my choice, but we lived with several other people and the homeowner begrudgingly let him stay for a while out of perceived obligation. During that time, he forced a sexual encounter on me which, looking back, I now realize was assault that I just didn't recognize as such until recently. I was almost blackout drunk and didn't want to have sex, but he forced himself on me and I went along with it because I didn't know what else to do. I tried to enter a sexual/romantic relationship with him in the weeks following, which didn't work because my body subconsciously rejected him and there was something I didn't trust, but the actual reason was hard for me to pinpoint. I didn't understand until recently, but that was all a trauma response. I was so hard on myself for a long time, because I felt guilty for "hurting" him by rejecting him, and I thought that I handled the situation poorly. It just turned out I didn't know how to deal with that situation; I moved states after a few months, and then we fell out of touch, but I was under the impression we were still friends, although we weren't in constant contact. He started dating a young woman early pandemic, but she broke up with him after about a year and a half of dating. Soon after the breakup, he had a get together with many of our friends for his 25th birthday, in May 2022. Because I hadn't seen him in a long time, I ended up going back to his apartment to hang out with him for longer, as well as another friend who was spending the night, and his mother, who he lives with. On this night, our friend and his mother fell asleep, and he began sexually assaulting me. He shoved his hand so hard in my pants, twice, that I needed to use muscle to pull his arm off of me. When I stood up to leave the room and get away from him, he followed me and raped me. I am a freeze/fawn type of trauma responder, but I did try using my voice to get him to stop. I even tried reminding him that there were other people just 10 feet away, and that they would hear - he said, "so what?" and "I don't care." The next morning, I realized that my genitals where bleeding and in pain, and remained that way for several days. The most damning part of all of this? He sexualized my physical trauma - it actually *turned him on,* and he had no problem with telling me so. It took me many months to stop being in denial about what happened - that someone I was friends with for years, someone who I trusted to keep me safe, violated my personhood in such a deeply degrading way. I strongly believe his mother heard me asking him to stop, as she talked to me after this night happened. She said "he told her everything," that "she woke up to pee during the night and heard us 'banging in the bathroom,'" and she point blank asked me if her own child had raped me. What kind of a mother asks that unless she was a reason to do so, and was either told something or heard something? I didn't connect the dots of that night until recently, but I can say I certainly unconsciously reacted in a trauma response sort of way. I desperately wanted to enter a relationship with him after that night, something I had never truthfully wanted, in a attempt to gain back the control he had taken from me. Because if I could try to form a relationship with him, and we ended up together, it would justify him raping me, right? Of course not, but that's how my brain tried to protect me. I started unraveling without even realizing it. I became hypersexual, putting myself in risky situations by inviting random people over to my home for sex, going over to random people's homes for sex, having unprotected sex. I started changing my appearance. My bulimia flared up. I started smoking again. I lightly confronted him over text last month after I came to terms with what he did to me, and told him that we needed to talk because he seriously violated my boundaries. He responded to say we could "definitely" talk, but I never responded. I need time before I can speak to him. When I do, I want to speak to him in person, not on a phone call, like he wanted. I want to look him right in his dead-eyed face to tell him I know exactly what he did, and I know exactly who he is - he raped me, and he is a rapist. It won't give me justice, it won't make him sorry for what he's done, and I'm at peace with that. I can only hope it will instill a fear in him by making him recognize that I DO have a power he can never take from me as long as I'm alive - my voice. I can tell my story, share it with anyone who I choose to, and there's nothing he can do to stop that. He'd have to kill me first. I haven't told anyone other than my sister/brother in law, one friend, and my therapist about what happened that night, but when I get stronger through therapy and become less scared, I will meet him face-to-face to call him out for what he is. Predator. Abuser. Rapist. I will share my story with more people. {~Name~}is a rapist. I highly doubt he will ever see this post, but in the in the <1% chance you are reading this, {~Name Initials~}., I want you to remember that while you sit there and call yourself a "feminist king," YOU are the person articles are referring to when they talk about perpetrators of violence against women. YOU are the person who made your decisions that night, not alcohol. (Too drunk to realize what you were doing, but not too drunk to have sex with my body? Nice try. Funny how I get super drunk with my other friends, and somehow none of them have managed to rape me.) YOU are the one who is responsible for your actions. There was no miscommunication. There was no room for misunderstanding. I was clear with what I was saying, you disregarded and ignored me, and that is on YOU. If you have a conscience, I hope this haunts you for the rest of your time on this earth.