I woke up with a man on me. At the time, I thought it was my friend - only a few years older than me. But I was 15 and he was 19. He was a leader in my church and someone I wanted to be like. He had been grooming me for years. It’s now been over a decade, and I am an adult with a family. Things have changed, but my pain hasn’t. Healing has been hard. I’m here because podcasts and books tell me that being in a community and sharing my story is important for me to heal and grow. It’s been really hard to realize the extent of how the abuse shaped my life. I became a leader in the church, just like him. I thought this was taking ground or control back, but really, I think, I was solidifying the foundation and source of my pain. I’ve always become angry and an alcoholic and I’m terrified of how I will screw up my kids or wound my wife emotionally or be stuck broken forever. I think I am healing slowly. The fact that I am here and typing this means I’m doing something. But it has been so so hard, and I have been so so sad lately. I’m pretty afraid of telling this story publicly, as my family and my abuser’s family are still close and everybody knows me and I’m afraid of judgment. But I’m starting by writing this and I hope it helps me become more brave or heal in some way.