Hello. English is not my native language, so there may be grammatical mistakes, sorry! Today I learned what COCSA is and it made me remember some things that happened when I was a minor. It started when I was ~5 years old: I see my stepfather watching pornography on the computer, and I am sitting in the same room with him. And I'm still not sure with this memory? Was it exactly like that or not at all? I don't know. But then I more than once became an involuntary spectator of their sexual activity with my mother. In the same room with me, or during the daytime with knowing that me already awake, or at nighttime... I wasn't sure what was going on, just confused and all. Then I went to elementary school, where I met a girl, my classmate. We become friends, and we still is! One day she asked me, do I know what sex is. Not that I knew, but I said yes so as not to seem "little" (that's fun because we were both eight or nine years old. Like, yes, I WAS little and she's too). And from that moment something started to happen. Like... We talked about that, a lot, raised this topic while playing, simulated sexual intercourse with each other(?), watching pornography together. Then she told me how to masturbate, show me that without getting naked, something like rubbing the intimate part against a surface. Then, I can’t say exactly when, but we started doing it together. Perhaps immediately after this. I'm not sure if we actually touched each other, because I don't remember. We masturbated in front of each other very often. Several times, while staying overnight. Or just in between. Later she blamed me for doing it too often. One day she suggested we go wash together. There we also explored our private parts, but now with penetration. I began to worry very much about things regarding sexuality. It felt very awkward and strange all the time, like I did something very-very wrong. A couple of times I very subtly tried to hint to her about real sexual intercourse. But she either wasn’t interested or didn’t understand, because I was very shy and did it very vaguely, hoping for her initiative. I was very upset by the lack of this on her part. Like was I unattractive? I constantly touched myself, looked for adult content, tried to found it everywhere and drew it. There were very strange moments when I lied to another close friend that I allegedly had sexual intercourse with my classmate, a guy. This happened more than once, and not only about a classmate.I thought that it makes me cool. I also remember that once on the playground near the house, me and several other children, boys, decided to run around and pull each other’s pants off as a “funny” game. At some point, someone's mother looked out into the yard and, noticing this, began shouting at me alone, something like “A whore, so small, and already getting into guys’ panties, it’s immediately clear who she’ll grow up to be.” The others were there too and did the same things?! I was only 10, I was so ashamed, and no one stood up for me. Then, closer to 11 years old, when my breasts began to grow, I deliberately walked around in a short top so that the boys in the yard could see it. Remembering this, I feel wild shame. In fact, there were much more strange situations, but I sometimes remember them abruptly and also forget about them in short periods of time.  Several times as a teenager I had dreams of a sexual nature involving her, after which I felt very bad. I felt strong disgust for her and for myself. Then I didn’t yet connect this with the fact that we were 9 years old. I have very conflicting feelings towards her, we have been friends for about 10 years and during this time a lot of things have happened, both good and not. Now she already has a boyfriend, a different environment and we are no longer as close as before. Why doesn't she say anything about what happened? Does she worry about this as much as I do? I have so many questions now... I don't think I'll ever get the courage to ask them. Now I'm almost 19, to this day I have a very high libido and some other things that have haunted me since I was 9 years old. I feel ashamed and at the same time sexualize my body. Now, suddenly remembering some of the things I described above, I became hysterical and still can’t calm down. I'm not sure why exactly, but I feel disgusting about the whole thing. Was what happened between me and my friend COCSA? Also what's what happened to me? I feel like I'm overreacting and being overly dramatic right now. I also have no one else to share this with and talk about it with. Thank you very much to everyone who will pay attention to this stream of consciousness. please take care of yourself!