When I was young, a classmate with two friends pinned me down and performed oral on me. We were both the same age, but I still have episodes remembering this day. I feel guilty for feeling anger and having these episodes since we were the same age. How can I process these complex feelings?

Answer

Thank you for sharing this with us. I'm so sorry to hear about what happened to you when you were young. You did not deserve it. What you went through was a serious violation, and it's completely understandable that you're still feeling the effects of that day.

It's important to acknowledge that, even though both you and your classmate were very young, the incident was traumatic for you. Children at that age may not fully understand the implications of their actions, but that doesn't diminish the impact it has had on you. Your feelings of anger and the episodes you're experiencing are valid responses to what happened—a situation that involved a power imbalance with multiple people restraining you against your will. That is an extremely scary situation.

Feeling guilty about your emotions is common, especially when the person who hurt you was also a child. However, it's important to recognize that your feelings are legitimate. You have every right to feel the way you do. The "episodes" you mention sound like they could be flashbacks or intrusive memories, which are common symptoms of trauma. These aren't something you're choosing to experience or something you should feel guilty about having. They're your mind's way of processing what happened.

Healing from childhood sexual trauma often involves working through these complex emotions with someone who can provide support. Consider reaching out to a trauma-informed therapist who specializes in sexual violence. They can help you develop coping strategies for when episodes occur and work through the anger and guilt in a safe environment.

Remember that your feelings are valid, and experiencing this trauma wasn't your fault—neither as a child then, nor in how it affects you now. Be kind to yourself through this process. Many survivors find that with proper support, these episodes can become less frequent and less intense over time, and the conflicting emotions can be processed in ways that lead to greater peace and self-compassion. You are not alone, and there are people who care and want to help you through this difficult time. Thank you for trusting us with this.