When I was a child (7-10), an older relative (2 years older) engaged in sexual acts with me. I didn't fully understand what was happening and thought it was just a game. This occurred multiple times, and I believe I went along with it. I'm struggling to determine if this was sexual assault. I think she knew what she was doing was wrong, but I also participated. Recently these memories have been causing me anxiety, especially since I see this person almost daily and they used to direct their anger toward me. Was this sexual assault? How do I handle this now that we're adults? Do I have the right to feel violated and angry?

Answer

Thank you for sharing your experience with us. It's completely understandable that you're feeling anxious and uncertain about these memories, especially since they involve someone you see regularly and who played a significant role in your childhood.

When we're children, especially between the ages of 7 and 10, we often don't fully grasp the implications of certain actions, especially those that seem like games at the time. Even if you believed you were consenting, children at that age aren't able to give informed consent in the way adults understand it. This is particularly true when it comes to sexual activities, which require a level of maturity and understanding that young children simply haven't developed yet.

The fact that your relative was two years older may not seem like a significant age difference now, but during childhood, those two years can mean a lot in terms of development and awareness. If you think she knew what she was doing was wrong, it suggests there was an imbalance in understanding and possibly a misuse of that knowledge on her part.

What you're describing could be considered a form of child-on-child sexual behavior that was inappropriate. It's important to recognize that harmful sexual interactions aren't defined solely by physical force or a lack of apparent consent...they also involve situations where there's a disparity in power, understanding, or age, and where one person takes advantage of another's naivety or trust.

You absolutely have the right to feel violated and angered by these memories. Your feelings are valid, and acknowledging them is a significant step toward processing what happened. It's natural to experience a range of emotions, especially as you reflect on the past with the awareness and perspective you have now as an adult.

Dealing with these feelings can be challenging, especially when the person involved is still a part of your daily life. It might be helpful to consider speaking with a trusted confidant or a professional who can provide support and guidance tailored to your situation. They can help you navigate your emotions and explore possible steps to address your feelings, whether that involves setting boundaries with your relative or finding ways to heal independently.

Remember, you're not alone, and what happened to you is significant. It's okay to prioritize your well-being and take the time you need to process your experiences. Your feelings matter, and you deserve understanding and support as you work through them.

Many survivors don't process or fully understand their childhood experiences until adulthood, and it's common for emotions to surface years later, particularly when you regularly encounter the person involved. Healing isn't linear, and whatever you're feeling—confusion, anger, grief, or anything else—is a normal response to a confusing childhood experience. Taking care of yourself and processing these experiences at your own pace is what matters most. Thank you for trusting us with this. You are not alone.