Question

When I was 4, my 8-year-old sister and I engaged in sexual play. Around age 8, I started showing symptoms associated with sexual abuse (bed-wetting and others). My mom says when I saw a therapist then, I insisted no one had abused me. Could the earlier experiences with my sister have caused these symptoms? Was the age difference significant?

Answer

Thank you for reaching out about such a complex and sensitive experience. It's completely natural to look back at childhood experiences and try to understand their impact on us. Your questions about these memories and their potential connections to later symptoms show thoughtful self-reflection. I will try to help the best way I can.

When sexual play occurs between children, especially with an age gap, it exists in a complicated space. While both children may have perceived it as consensual at the time, there's an inherent power imbalance when one child is significantly older - in this case, your sister was twice your age. At four years old, you were too young to truly understand or consent to sexual activities, even if they felt mutual in the moment. Similarly, at eight, your sister was also a child who may not have fully understood the implications of these interactions.

The symptoms you described - bed-wetting and other signs that concerned adults - can indeed be responses to harmful childhood sexual interactions, whether they involved adults or other children. These are ways that our bodies and minds process experiences that may have been overwhelming or confusing, even if we didn't recognize them as harmful at the time. It's also important to note that such symptoms can have various causes, and while they can be responses to sexual harm, they may also arise from other forms of stress or trauma.

If you're trying to understand these childhood experiences and their impact on you, working with a trauma-informed therapist could be very helpful. They can provide a safe space to explore these memories and help you process any feelings that arise, without pushing you to define or label your experiences in any particular way. Many adults grapple with similar questions about childhood sexual experiences, and there are professionals who specialize in helping people understand and heal from early experiences like these.

Remember that both you and your sister were children, and any sense-making you do now should include compassion for both of your child selves. Your feelings about these experiences, whatever they may be, are valid. Thank you for trusting us with this. You are not alone.