Question

When I was 4, a 5-year-old neighbor pressured me into playing an inappropriate sexual 'game.' I wanted so badly to be his friend and had a crush on him so I complied. Looking back now, I understand he was probably being abused himself, likely by his caregiver. After my sister told my mom what was happening, my mom contacted his mom about it. After that, he completely shut me out and treated me like I had done something wrong, even though he was the one who pushed me into it. Why would he act that way? Was it because he felt ashamed? I feel like this early experience shaped me into always trying to please people. It's hard to understand why he used me and then treated me so coldly after. He wouldn't even look at me.

Answer

Thank you for having the courage to share your story with us. What happened to you was not your fault. The behavior you describe from your former neighbor - shutting you out and treating you with hostility - is indeed often rooted in deep shame and complicated trauma responses. When children exhibit sexual behaviors inappropriate for their age, it can certainly be a sign that they themselves are victims of abuse, as you've shared. His subsequent avoidance probably is related to a combination of factors: shame and internalized guilt about the behavior, possible pressure from adults to stay away from you, his own unprocessed trauma responses, and his limited ability as a child to handle complex emotional situations.

Your observation about how this experience may have influenced your tendency toward people-pleasing is insightful. Early experiences where acceptance is tied to compliance can certainly create patterns of seeking approval through accommodation of others' wishes, even at the expense of our own boundaries. The fact that you're reflecting on this now and seeking to understand it is a positive step. While these early experiences can shape us, understanding their impact can help us develop healthier patterns. If you find these patterns affecting your current relationships or well-being, working with a trauma-informed therapist could be valuable in processing these experiences and developing new ways of relating to others.

Remember: Your four-year-old self did nothing wrong. You were a child seeking friendship and acceptance in the only way you knew how. Both you and your neighbor were children navigating situations no child should have to face. We appreciate you reaching out to us. You are not alone.