Question

I'm trying to understand consent in the context of child-on-child sexual abuse (COCSA). I believe I experienced something like this, but my memories are unclear about when exactly it happened or the specific details of the incident. How do we understand agreement or consent when it involves children? I'm struggling with this uncertainty and trying to make sense of my experience.

Answer

Thank you for asking this. When we think about consent and children, it's important to understand that young children cannot truly consent to sexual activities - they don't have the emotional or developmental capacity to understand and make those decisions. Even if a child appears to "agree" or doesn't actively resist, this isn't true consent. To learn more about COCSA specifically, see our blog here. 

Memory haziness around traumatic or confusing childhood experiences is very common. Our brains sometimes protect us by making certain memories less clear, especially from childhood. Not remembering all the details doesn't make your experience any less valid or real.

It's also common to question experiences from childhood when we look back as adults. We might wonder if something really "counts" or if we're remembering it correctly. This questioning often comes from trying to make sense of experiences that happened before we had the framework to understand them.

What matters most isn't whether you can remember every detail or whether you verbally agreed or disagreed - what matters is how the experience has affected you and continues to affect you. If you're feeling confused or troubled by these memories, that's reason enough to take your feelings seriously.

If you're trying to process these experiences, please know that there are trauma-informed therapists who specialize in helping people understand and heal from childhood experiences, even when the memories aren't completely clear. They can help you work through these questions at your own pace, in a way that feels safe for you. Thank you for reaching out to us about this. You are not alone.