I'm struggling to understand a complex situation with my college roommate and need help processing whether what I experienced was assault. I'm a second-year college student who has always identified as sexually open and polyamorous - at the start of this situation, I was in two consensual relationships and was comfortable with the idea of friends-with-benefits arrangements. Following this mindset, I initially agreed to a FWB situation with my roommate, a cis woman, but the dynamic evolved in concerning ways. While the physical interactions started with consent, I began experiencing intense anxiety, physical illness, and dissociation before and during encounters. Despite my discomfort, I found myself unable to say no. I was also in these relationships at the time and didn't tell my partners what was happening - I kept trying to minimize it by telling myself 'it's only sex.' When my long-distance partner eventually found out, they were understandably hurt and angry. The guilt of cheating now overwhelms me and makes it hard to process my own feelings of violation and distress. When I tried to set boundaries with my roommate, she would become emotionally upset, leading to a cycle where I would console her and end up engaging in sexual activity I didn't want. She would express being unable to control herself around me and would become upset if I declined physical contact. I'm experiencing significant physical and emotional impacts: chronic UTIs, physical pain, sleep deprivation, emotional numbness, and intense anger - feelings very unlike myself. While intimate contact is happening, I often dissociate or fall asleep. Afterward, I feel violated but then find myself seeking her platonic affection while dreading further sexual contact. I'm confused because I technically never said 'no,' but I never truly want these encounters. I feel trapped between my guilt over the cheating and my increasing sense of violation in this situation. I don't view my roommate as a bad person, but I feel increasingly damaged by this situation. Can you help me understand what I'm experiencing and whether this constitutes assault? I'm struggling to trust my own perceptions.

Answer

I'm so sorry to hear about everything you're going through. It takes a lot of courage to share such a personal situation with us, and I want you to know that your feelings are valid. I hear that you identify as polyamorous and sexually open - these are valid ways of approaching relationships and intimacy that can be healthy and fulfilling when practiced with consent and clear communication.

While only you can label what you've experienced, what you're describing sounds like it contains elements of sexual coercion: a situation where initial consent evolved into one where saying "no" became increasingly difficult due to emotional manipulation and fear of consequences. Your body was sending you clear signals - the physical illness, anxiety, dissociation (feeling disconnected or falling asleep during encounters), and intense dread before encounters - all suggesting these experiences were deeply distressing for you.

The cycle you describe - where attempts to set boundaries are met with emotional distress from your roommate, leading you to console her and ultimately engage in unwanted sexual activity - sounds like emotional coercion. When someone uses their emotional reactions to override another person's boundaries or reluctance, it undermines the possibility of true consent. Consent needs to be freely and enthusiastically given, not obtained through guilt, manipulation, or exhaustion. This is true for any relationship structure, whether monogamous or polyamorous.

Your feelings about the cheating aspect are understandable and valid. However, it's important to recognize that experiences of violation can coexist with actions we regret. The guilt you feel about not telling your partner doesn't negate or justify the unwanted sexual experiences you endured. Many people in similar situations struggle with these complicated feelings, especially when the situation isn't straightforward. Being polyamorous doesn't mean you consent to all sexual experiences or that boundaries can't be violated - consensual non-monogamy still requires clear communication, respect for boundaries, and enthusiastic consent.

The physical and emotional changes you're experiencing - chronic UTIs, pain, emotional numbness, anger, loss of joy - are common responses to ongoing distressing sexual experiences. Your body and mind are trying to process experiences that feel unsafe and violating. The confusion you feel about seeking platonic affection while dreading sexual contact is also common in complex situations - our bodies and minds can respond in seemingly contradictory ways as we try to navigate threatening situations.

While again only you can define your experiences, what you're describing seems to contain concerning elements that many would recognize as coercion. The fact that you "technically never said no" doesn't automatically mean you consented. True consent is an enthusiastic "yes" given freely, not the absence of a "no." When someone continues sexual activity despite signs of distress, physical illness, and dissociation, they are choosing to ignore clear signals of non-consent.

Consider seeking support from a counselor or therapist who is knowledgeable about both trauma and polyamory/consensual non-monogamy. They can provide a safe space to explore your feelings and help you navigate this situation without judgment about your relationship style. Remember, you deserve to be in relationships - whether romantic, sexual, or platonic - where you feel safe, respected, and heard. Your identity as polyamorous and sexually open doesn't diminish your right to have your boundaries respected. Thank you for trusting us with this. We appreciate you.