I'm struggling to process childhood experiences that I've only shared with my best friend and husband. During my childhood, my step-sibling (who was a year younger) and I engaged in inappropriate touching. I have gaps in my memory about when this occurred and how long it lasted. These memories, along with other parts of my childhood, feel fragmented or missing. I know I need professional help to process this, but I'm finding it difficult to trust a therapist enough to share these experiences. I worry that without being able to open up about this part of my life, I won't be able to recover or understand these memories. What should I do?

Answer

Thank you for trusting us with this, especially knowing you have told very few people in your life. Only you know what is best for yourself and your situation, but let me share a bit about what I know and strategies that have worked for myself and other survivors.

Memory fragmentation around traumatic or confusing childhood experiences is incredibly common. Our brains have sophisticated protective mechanisms that can partition difficult memories, particularly from childhood, as a way of helping us cope and function. Think of it like a filing system that temporarily stores certain files in a separate cabinet until we're better equipped to process them. Sometimes, these protective mechanisms create memory gaps - periods of time that feel hazy or incomplete. This doesn't mean the memories are lost - rather, they're often stored differently than regular memories, which can make them feel fragmented or unclear.

The fact that you've only shared this with two very trusted people in your life makes perfect sense. Trust is built gradually - you need to feel secure with each step before taking the next one. The challenge you're facing with the idea of sharing with a therapist reflects how deeply personal and sensitive these experiences are, and how important it is to feel completely safe before opening up about them.

When it comes to working with a therapist, you don't have to share everything in the first session, or even the first several sessions. Professional therapeutic relationships are built over time, and good therapists understand this. You might start by sharing less vulnerable aspects of your experience, testing how the therapist responds, and gradually building trust based on their reactions and support. It's completely appropriate to let potential therapists know about your hesitations - this kind of honesty can actually help build the therapeutic relationship and allow them to better support you.

Looking for a therapist who specializes in childhood trauma and memory processing can be particularly helpful. These professionals have specific training in helping people navigate fragmented memories and understand childhood experiences. They often use approaches like EMDR (Eye Movement Desensitization and Reprocessing) or other trauma-informed techniques that can be especially effective for processing childhood memories. Consider interviewing several therapists to find someone you connect with, and remember that you have the right to control the pace of what you share and when you share it.

It's also worth noting that the goal isn't necessarily to recover every detail of these experiences. Sometimes, understanding our emotional responses and learning to process the impact of these experiences can be more healing than recovering specific memories. The brain's protective mechanisms exist for a reason, and healing can occur even without full memory recovery. Many people have walked similar paths and found that with the right support, they could work through these experiences at their own pace.

Remember that you've already shown incredible strength by acknowledging these experiences and recognizing your need for support. The fact that you've been able to share this with two trusted people in your life is significant progress. This reaching out, even anonymously, is another brave step forward. Moving ahead at your own pace, with the right professional support, can help you understand and process these experiences in a way that feels safe and manageable. Thank you for trusting us with this. You are not alone.