I survived an abusive relationship where my ex physically assaulted me, threatened me, controlled me, and used gaslighting. He received minimal consequences for his actions, while I'm left dealing with the trauma. Although I know I shouldn't check his social media, I do so partly to protect myself by knowing his whereabouts and partly because I'm struggling with how he seems to be living happily - traveling, socializing, and enjoying life - while I'm still broken from his abuse and cruel words. I understand I should focus on moving forward, but I'm finding it impossible. Is time the only solution to healing from this?

Answer

Thank you for reaching out and sharing your experiences with us. I am so sorry you went through that. You do not deserve it and that person deserves to be held accountable for their actions. The pain and confusion you're feeling are completely valid responses to surviving abuse and witnessing your abuser appear to move on without consequences.

What you're describing - the compulsion to check his social media despite knowing it causes pain - is a common response to trauma. Our brains often seek information about threats as a survival mechanism, trying to create a sense of control and safety. This monitoring behavior, while understandable, can keep us tethered to the trauma and make it harder to heal. It's like keeping a wound exposed when it needs protection to properly heal.

The stark contrast between your emotional reality and his apparent carefree life touches on a painful truth about abuse: abusers often seem unaffected by their actions while survivors carry deep wounds. This injustice can feel like a second trauma. However, social media presents a curated version of reality - his posts showing happiness don't mean he's truly at peace or that he's changed. More importantly, his current life has no bearing on the validity of your pain or your right to heal.

Time alone isn't the answer - it's what we do with that time that matters. Healing from abuse is like recovering from a major injury: rest is important, but active rehabilitation is crucial. Research shows several key approaches can help:

Processing and Understanding: Working with a trauma-informed therapist who specializes in domestic violence recovery can help you process the abuse and develop coping strategies beyond monitoring his whereabouts. They can help you understand your experience in a broader context, reducing self-blame and shame.

Safety and Stability: Creating new safety plans that don't involve tracking him is essential. A domestic violence advocate can help you establish practical safety measures while reducing the need to check his social media. Consider creating an "emotional first aid kit" with calming music, comfort objects, breathing exercises, and crisis numbers for overwhelming moments.

Building Support: Developing a network of people who understand trauma and abuse is crucial. Domestic violence support groups can be particularly healing because they connect you with others who truly understand your experience. Start with small disclosures to trusted individuals, gradually building a circle of support at your own pace.

Reclaiming Your Identity: When you feel the urge to check his social media, try to pause and ask yourself: "What am I hoping to learn? What am I really seeking?" Often, these checks are attempts to answer deeper questions about safety, justice, or closure. Start engaging in small activities that help you reconnect with yourself - whether that's creative expression, learning something new, or caring for a plant or pet. These actions help rebuild your sense of self beyond the trauma.

Consider working with a therapist on a gradual social media blocking strategy while building alternative coping skills. This isn't about forcing yourself to stop checking - it's about creating space for new patterns to emerge. Many survivors find that reducing access while developing healthier coping mechanisms helps break the monitoring cycle.

Remember that healing isn't linear. You might have days where you feel stronger and days where the trauma feels fresh. This variation is normal and doesn't mean you're failing or moving backward. Each time you choose self-care over checking his social media, you're building new neural pathways and moving toward healing.

While the path may feel overwhelming now, many survivors do find their way to renewed hope and sense of self. You're already showing tremendous strength by recognizing these patterns and seeking support. Thank you for trusting us with this.