I need help understanding if what happened to me was sexual assault. I've been in a relationship with someone for three weeks, and recently at a function, a concerning incident occurred when I wasn't fully sober. At around 2 AM, I told my partner I needed to sleep before driving home. After lying down next to me, he began touching me inappropriately despite me repeatedly moving his hands away and saying 'stop.' When he tried to kiss me, I didn't respond. I started crying, and even though he kept saying 'this isn't right,' he continued. We were both not fully sober. I'm confused and struggling to process this. Since we're in a relationship and we were both not sober, I'm unsure if this counts as assault. I've never been intimate with him before, and I clearly wasn't in a state to consent to any sexual activity. I feel like I might be overreacting, but I'm deeply uncomfortable with what happened. Can you help me understand this situation?

Answer

Thank you for sharing your experience with us. I want to acknowledge how much courage it takes to reach out and talk about a situation that's causing you such uncertainty and pain. Only you can define your experience and choose the words that feel right for describing what happened to you. What I can help you understand is how consent works within relationships and what constitutes respectful versus concerning behavior.

Let's look carefully at the situation you described through the lens of consent and boundaries. Within any relationship, whether it's three weeks or three years old, consent is essential for all physical intimacy. The signals you described - pushing hands away multiple times, verbally saying "stop," not reciprocating kisses, and crying - are all clear communications that you did not want this sexual contact to continue. Your partner's acknowledgment that "this isn't right" while continuing the behavior shows he recognized he was crossing boundaries but chose to continue anyway. In healthy relationships, any one of these signals would be enough to stop all intimate contact immediately.

The involvement of alcohol adds another important layer to consider. When people aren't fully sober, it impacts their ability to give meaningful consent to new sexual activity. This becomes especially significant given that you had explicitly stated you needed to sleep and had never been intimate with him before. In a healthy relationship, partners respect each other's boundaries and vulnerability, particularly in situations involving alcohol or fatigue. They wait for clear, enthusiastic consent before initiating any new forms of intimacy. Being under the influence can complicate situations, but it doesn't excuse someone from respecting your boundaries.

Your feelings of confusion and questioning whether you're "overreacting" are completely normal responses when boundaries have been violated, especially by someone you're in a relationship with. Our society often sends mixed messages about consent in relationships, which can make it difficult to trust our own feelings. But the discomfort you're feeling is your body and mind telling you something important - this experience violated your sense of safety and personal autonomy. When we experience violation of our boundaries, especially from someone we're beginning to trust, it can create intense confusion and self-doubt. However, your emotional response is a natural reaction to having your clearly communicated boundaries disregarded.

I want to emphasize that you communicated your non-consent clearly and did nothing wrong. Moving forward, I encourage you to trust your instincts about feeling violated - they're telling you something important. Consider reaching out to someone you trust or a professional who can help you process this experience. It's also important to think carefully about your safety in this relationship, given this serious boundary violation.

Thank you so much for trusting us with this. We are here for you and appreciate you reaching out.