I experienced sexual abuse from ages 6/7 until 11/12 by a classmate during sleepovers at his house. He stopped when we reached seventh grade. I didn't recognize it as abuse until I was 15, though I knew it was wrong at the time. Now at 20, I have fragmented memories, including one where his father entered the room during an incident, making me concerned he might have been involved too. What can I do to recover these memories? I've considered contacting my former classmate as we're on cordial terms, though we've never discussed what happened. What might I say to him? I really need to understand what happened.

Answer

I'm so sorry to hear about the pain and confusion you're experiencing. First, I want to acknowledge your courage in seeking to understand what happened to you. Childhood sexual abuse is deeply traumatic, and the fragmented memories you're experiencing are a common response to trauma. Your brain may have protected you by blocking certain memories that were too overwhelming to process at the time.

Memory recovery from trauma is complex. Our minds sometimes store traumatic memories differently than everyday ones, making them fragmented or incomplete. Rather than trying to force memory recovery, which can sometimes lead to distress or potentially unreliable memories, many trauma specialists recommend working with a professional who specializes in trauma therapy. Approaches like EMDR (Eye Movement Desensitization and Reprocessing), trauma-focused cognitive behavioral therapy, or somatic experiencing can help process traumatic memories in a supported environment.

Reaching out to your former classmate might seem like a way to fill in the gaps, but it's important to consider how this could affect you emotionally. Contacting him could bring up unexpected feelings or complicate your healing process. It might also be uncertain how he would respond, which could lead to additional distress. If you do decide to reach out, consider your own safety and emotional wellbeing first. Having a therapist to process this with before and after would be valuable. If you choose to contact him, keep the message simple and direct about your intentions, perhaps indicating that you're working to understand experiences from your childhood that have affected you.

The concern about his father's potential involvement adds another layer of complexity to your experience. This uncertainty can be particularly difficult to carry. A trauma-informed therapist can help you work through these questions and concerns, whether or not complete memories return.

Remember that healing from trauma doesn't necessarily require having a complete narrative of what happened. Many survivors find peace through understanding their responses to trauma, developing coping skills, and reconnecting with their sense of safety and control. Your experience is valid regardless of how much you remember, and support is available to help you process and heal. Be gentle with yourself as you navigate this journey - healing takes time, and it's okay to seek help along the way. You're not alone, and there are people who care about you and want to support you through this process. Thank you for reaching out to us.