Why can I only explain it as “he had sex with me, but I didn’t want to” when explaining my childhood experiences rather than naming what he did?

Answer

Thank you for asking this question that I think may resonate with others who frequent this page. What you're describing - the challenge of naming childhood sexual abuse directly - is an experience shared by many survivors, and it's important to understand why this happens and why it's a completely normal response.

When trauma occurs in childhood, we often lack the vocabulary and emotional framework to fully process or describe what happened to us. Using phrases like "he had sex with me, but I didn't want to" becomes a bridge between acknowledging the experience and protecting ourselves from the overwhelming emotions that more direct language might trigger. This indirect language serves as a vital coping mechanism, allowing survivors to speak their truth while maintaining the emotional distance necessary to function and heal.

The societal context plays a significant role. Many survivors grow up in environments where direct discussion of sexual abuse is discouraged or taboo. This societal discomfort can become internalized, making it harder to find or use explicit language, even in adulthood. Additionally, the words available to describe sexual abuse often feel inadequate to capture the full complexity and impact of the experience, especially when it involves childhood trauma.

For some survivors, finding specific language to name their experience can be a powerful part of their healing journey. Being able to say "this was sexual abuse" or naming specific actions can help validate their experiences and emotions. It can provide a framework for understanding what happened, reducing self-doubt and confusion. Having clear language can also help survivors advocate for themselves, communicate with healthcare providers, and connect with other survivors who share similar experiences. The ability to name what happened can shift the burden of shame from the survivor to the perpetrator, where it belongs.

However, for other survivors, maintaining less direct language is equally valid and helpful in their healing process. Some find that indirect language allows them to process their experiences at a pace that feels emotionally manageable. This approach can help survivors maintain boundaries around their trauma, control their narrative, and engage with their experiences in ways that feel safe and sustainable. The pressure to use specific labels or explicit language can sometimes create additional trauma or anxiety, potentially disrupting the natural healing process.

Our minds develop sophisticated protective mechanisms in response to trauma, especially childhood trauma. Using less direct language isn't just about vocabulary - it's often about emotional survival. When we're young and experience something traumatic, our brains often create these protective barriers, making it difficult to use explicit terms even years later. This protection is particularly important when the abuse occurred at an age where we were still developing our understanding of the world and ourselves.

If you find yourself using less direct language, know that your mind is doing exactly what it needs to do to process and express these experiences in a way that feels manageable. Some survivors find that as they progress in their healing journey, they become more comfortable using different language, while others continue to prefer less direct terms. Both paths are equally valid.

Remember that healing happens at your own pace, and you get to choose the words that feel right for you at any given moment. Whether you use indirect language or more explicit terms, what matters most is that you're finding ways to acknowledge and process your experiences in a way that feels safe and manageable for you. Be gentle with yourself as you navigate these feelings. Thank you for asking this. You are not alone.