Question

When I was around 8-10 years old, I was involved in inappropriate sexual play with two cousins during summer visits. While my older cousin initiated most of these interactions through games like truth or dare, I also initiated an incident with my younger cousin that I deeply regret and know caused harm. Their families know but mine doesn't. I carry intense guilt and shame about this, complicated by my own history of family abuse. While we remain on friendly terms, I've never addressed it. I now have a loving girlfriend and am close with my mom and brother, but I'm terrified of losing them if they found out about what I did as a child. How do I process these feelings and handle the fear of losing my loved ones?

Answer

Thank you for having the courage to share your experience with us. First and foremost, please know that what happened when you were a child does not define who you are today. You were a young child yourself, navigating complex situations while also experiencing abuse in your own home. Your feelings of remorse and concern for the impact of your actions show your deep capacity for empathy and growth.

It's important to understand that sexual behavior between children (particularly in the context where an older child introduces these behaviors) often reflects a complex dynamic of learned behaviors and potential abuse. While this doesn't minimize the impact on your younger cousin, it helps explain the context - you were all children in need of better adult protection and guidance. The shame and guilt you carry is understandable, but please remember that children cannot fully understand the implications of sexual behaviors. Your ongoing remorse demonstrates that you've developed strong moral awareness as you've grown, but you deserve compassion for your child self who was also navigating confusing and inappropriate situations.

Regarding your fear of losing loved ones: Many survivors and those who engaged in concerning behaviors as children carry this fear. However, people who truly love us often have more capacity for understanding than we expect, especially when they understand the full context of childhood trauma and development. Consider working with a trauma-informed therapist who specializes in childhood sexual behavior - they can help you process these experiences and develop healthy coping strategies. If you feel ready to address this with your younger cousin, a mental health professional can help you determine if and how to do so safely and appropriately. However, this should only be done when you feel emotionally prepared and with proper guidance.

You're not alone in carrying these difficult feelings. Many others have similar experiences and have found ways to process their past and build healthy, fulfilling lives. Your worth isn't determined by your worst moments, especially those from childhood. You deserve support and healing too. If you're struggling with these feelings, please know there are confidential resources and support services available. Thank you for trusting us with this. You matter and you are not alone.