Question

My uncle is going to jail for sexually abusing my cousins when we were children. This has brought up memories of inappropriate touching between me and my cousins as kids, and my uncle's concerning behavior with us. My memories are foggy, but I have flashbacks. I feel guilty about what happened between us cousins, though I don't know where we learned those behaviors. As an adult, I've experienced unhealthy relationships and abuse. I have gaps in my memory and don't know how to handle this. Any advice?

Answer

Thank you for trusting us with this terrible situation. I want you to know that what you're experiencing - the confusion, guilt, and fragmented memories that have surfaced after learning about your uncle's arrest - is a natural response when processing difficult childhood experiences. The fog of uncertainty you're describing, combined with the complicated feelings about interactions between cousins, deserves gentle and careful attention.

Here's what's important to understand: children's behaviors are often influenced by their environments and experiences. When kids engage in touching or behaviors that seem inappropriate for their age, it usually means they've been exposed to something beyond their developmental understanding. The guilt you carry about these childhood interactions is understandable, but please remember that you were all children, likely mimicking behaviors you'd encountered or been exposed to.

The "foggy" memories and flashbacks you describe are your brain's natural response to difficult experiences. Our minds sometimes protect us by storing complicated memories in fragments, making them hard to piece together. This can feel maddening when you're trying to make sense of your past, but it's a common protective mechanism. Similarly, finding yourself in unhealthy relationships as an adult is a pattern many people experience - it's not your fault, and it doesn't define your future.

If you are ready, I encourage you to reach out to a trauma-specialized therapist who can help you process these memories and experiences in a safe, supported way. You can also contact RAINN's confidential hotline to speak with someone who understands these complex situations. Remember, healing isn't linear, and you're showing immense courage by even asking these questions. You deserve support in untangling these experiences, and you don't have to figure this out alone. Thank you for trusting us with this.