Question

My older brother sexually abused me for about 4 years, with a 4-year age gap between us. The last attempt was when he was 16. I struggle with understanding at what age he would have fully comprehended his actions versus lacking maturity. I told my family because my other brother had a daughter - am I overreacting by not wanting him near her, now that he's 28? Also, people often say abusers must have been abused themselves, but as far as I know, we had a great childhood with supportive parents. He started at 12 - what other reasons might explain this behavior? I've worked with a therapist but these questions still come up.

Answer

Thank you for reaching out to us. Your concerns about protecting your niece are completely valid. You wanting to keep children safe based on known past behavior is responsible, not an overreaction. Trust your instincts about maintaining boundaries that feel necessary for safety.

Regarding age and comprehension, child development experts recognize this is complex. While a 12-year-old may not fully understand long-term impacts, they typically understand concepts of consent and causing harm. By 16, there's generally a clear understanding of sexual boundaries. However, this doesn't mean the younger age excuses the behavior - it's more about understanding the context while still acknowledging the harm caused.

The assumption that all people who cause sexual harm were themselves abused is a myth. While some perpetrators have trauma histories, others may be influenced by exposure to inappropriate content, lack of education about boundaries, peer influence, or various other factors. It's understandable to feel defensive of your parents when others make assumptions. Only you know your family dynamics, and you don't need to accept others' speculations about causes.

I'm glad you've worked with a therapist and found that helpful. It's normal for new questions to arise even after processing trauma. Consider bringing these specific concerns to your therapist if they're still troubling you. You deserve continued support in understanding and healing from these experiences.

We appreciate you reaching out to us and hope this provided a bit more information relating to your questions. We appreciate you and wish you well in your continued healing journey.