I'm struggling to find the courage to report someone who has been grooming me. Even though he has sexually abused me and others, I still maintain contact with him because I feel attached - he's been nice to me at times and promised to stop the abuse. I think I might be the only one of his victims who is in a position to report him, so I feel a sense of pressure and responsibility. But taking that step feels overwhelming. I'm torn between wanting to protect others and struggling with my complicated feelings about him. How do I handle this situation?

Answer

Thank you for reaching out to us. This situatoin sounds extremely challenging and I can hear how torn you are between your attachment to this person and your understanding that reporting him could protect others. These conflicting emotions are completely normal when dealing with someone who has built a connection with you while also causing harm.

Breaking away from abuse and reporting often feels so challenging. Groomers intentionally create strong emotional bonds through being nice, giving attention, and making promises to change. This can make us feel loyal to them or responsible for their wellbeing, even when we recognize their behavior is harmful. The promise to "stop" is a common pattern, but it's crucial to remember that someone who has repeatedly hurt you and others has shown a pattern of behavior that typically doesn't change just through promises alone.

Your feelings of attachment are valid and understandable - they're a natural response to the complicated relationship that was created. However, these feelings don't obligate you to maintain contact or protect someone who has caused harm. While you might be in a position to report him, that responsibility isn't yours alone to carry. Your primary responsibility is to your own safety and wellbeing.

If you're considering reporting, you don't have to handle this by yourself. There are trained professionals who understand these complex situations and can help you navigate the process while supporting your emotional needs. The National Sexual Assault Hotline (1-800-656-4673) or chatline can connect you with local advocates who can:

Explain your reporting options without pressuring you
Support you through the reporting process if you choose to report
Help you create a safety plan for reducing or ending contact
Provide counseling to process your feelings
Connect you with other survivors who understand what you're going through

Remember that there's no deadline for reporting. While protecting others is admirable, you need to move at a pace that feels manageable for you. Consider taking small steps first, like speaking with a counselor or calling the hotline just to learn about your options. You don't have to make any decisions immediately.

Whatever you decide, you deserve support in processing this experience and moving forward in a way that feels right for you. Thank you for trusting us with this.