Question

I'm processing childhood sexual experiences from my neighborhood and family. When I was 6-7, my friend coerced me and her younger brother (4-5) into sexual acts neither of us wanted. While I've largely worked through this, I believe she may have been abused herself. There were teenage predators in our neighborhood who abused several children, including my sister. I managed to avoid them by staying away, though I didn't understand why they frightened me at the time. Later, my brother (13-14) sexually abused my sister (6) through coercion, starting with a 'trade' for favors and escalating until our parents discovered it. They stopped it but never got us therapy. I struggle with guilt for escaping the worst abuse while my sister endured so much. I followed my instincts to avoid dangerous situations, but this feels like blaming my sister. I wonder if my brother targeted her because she was less compliant than me. Is this survivor's guilt? How do I process being the 'lucky' one?

Answer

Your feelings and memories about these complex and distressing childhood experiences are completely valid. What you've described - from the coerced sexual acts with your friend and her brother, to witnessing abuse in your neighborhood, to processing your brother's abuse of your sister - represents layers of trauma that anyone would struggle to make sense of. Your instinct to protect yourself in dangerous situations was a natural response, even if you didn't fully understand the reasons for your fear at the time.

Many people who've experienced similar situations grapple with complicated feelings about having avoided certain traumas while others suffered. These feelings, often called survivor's guilt, can manifest as feeling undeserving of having escaped worse trauma, believing we should have somehow prevented others' abuse, or questioning why we were "spared" while loved ones suffered. This guilt can become especially intense when it involves siblings or close friends. The sexual abuse in your neighborhood, including what happened with your friend and her brother, suggests a troubling cycle where victims sometimes became perpetrators. This broader context of community trauma can leave us questioning every interaction and decision from our childhood.

Your brother's abuse of your sister through coercion represents another layer of family trauma. The complex feelings you carry about not being targeted are common among siblings - many torture themselves with "what-ifs" and questions about why one sibling was targeted over another. Survivor's guilt can be particularly painful in family situations, where we might feel we should have somehow known or done more. However, your brother's choice of victim wasn't about you being "better" or your sister being "worse" - abusers often target those they perceive as more vulnerable, and their choices reflect their own issues, not their victims' worth or actions.

A trauma-informed therapist can help you work through these complex feelings of guilt and understand that your intuitive self-protective responses don't make you complicit in others' suffering. They can help you process both your direct experiences of coerced sexual activity and the weight of witnessing abuse in your community and family. Many survivors need support in understanding that feeling relieved about escaping certain traumas doesn't mean you're glad others were hurt instead. Your instincts for self-protection were valid, and you're not responsible for the actions of others who caused harm. Healing from survivor's guilt and trauma is possible, and it starts with extending to yourself the same compassion you would offer others in your situation. Thank you for trusting us with your story. You are not alone.